Happiness...

I was searching through old photos to find something to add here, and this one literally jumped out at me. I can't tell you when I took it... but clearly it had a purpose.

"Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures... Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said "walk" the second you got there - and downticks - the itchy tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of a day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe it didn't matter if you were a word-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn't matter if your friend was possibly dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was all you could ask for." - The Sisterhood of the traveling pants Ann Brashares

Lilly

Im staring at a blank wall right now.

It's been a rough month. For all the posting I did in April, the words were not flowing in May. I was in survival mode, one day at a time. Things are changing, just not in the way I anticipated, and Im not ready to process yet. Hence the lack of writing.

Yet amidst all the chaos, the one bright light in my life has been Lilly. My stubborn, strong-willed, beautiful little bunny who had beat the odds and survived. Its amazing how therapeutic she could be (even while being a royal pain in my ass). No matter what crap might come at me at work, home, or in my personal life, I always had a warm bunny to come snuggle with, sometimes even with her consent.

But last night right around 9 pm, my precious baby was finally given peace from her pain, and she breathed her last.

Taken a few weeks ago when her health seemed to be at its prime

The Power of Hope

This is the fifth installation in this story series.

Sunday, April 7 (cont):

For the first time since this entire experience began, I no longer feel alone. I recognize this is largely due to my own unwillingness to reach out and ask for help. If nothing else this experience is teaching me sometimes I need to swallow my own pride and admit that I can’t do it on my own. I’m glad she’s here; I know that she will support whatever decision I make, prevent me from being pressured into making choices I really do not want, and if the worst is confirmed and we have to put her down, at least I won’t be alone.

Grace in the midst of suffering

This is the next part of this story.

I have to preface this post by saying it is the one I have been dreading writing the most. I get emotional just thinking about that Sunday. Part of this documentation process, Ive realized, is making myself process and heal from the experience. As I mentioned in the last post, God kept me from writing prior to this point. I instinctively knew it was not time to reflect, and I have to believe it is because he has something else to teach me about it now.. two weeks later. But still, its been more difficult than I anticipated to continually put myself back in those shoes. I apologize if this post is more disjointed and I seem less emotionally invested, it's a coping mechanism.

A conversation with a friend via text:

"I'm blogging and hating every second of it. Not because I don't want to write, but because it's so scary and overwhelming revisiting these experiences... I'm scared to write Sunday, I started hyperventilating just thinking about it."

 
Her response:

"[Your posts so far] are both fantastic and I love you for having the courage to put it out there!! Keep being brave, it's not only for you :)"

And maybe that's the heart of the matter. I feel overly indulgent writing these posts. It's so personal and raw, that it feels unfair to burden others with the events of Week Two. But maybe that's the point. If one other person can take heart from my struggles, from my vulnerability, then it is all worth it.

So I will write, stop procrastinating, and write, because week two is where the game began to change.

Weekend Recap: Instagram Style

I was without internet for a week. Don't get me started, Im still irritated. As such I am behind in my posting, as well as my tv watching. Don't take offense, tv watching comes first. So while I work on getting my wits together and putting together a slew of deep, thought-provoking posts (excuse while I got snort with laughter and derision at my own comment) I shall leave you with an other Instagram style recap of my wonderful, fulfilling weekend with amazing friends. I've been a bit down lately, and was definitely in need of a relaxing weekend away from Miami! Enter a trip to my hometown:

Reflections on Blessings (plus Birthday week: Instagram Style)

There are moments in life when you are reminded of how you are truly blessed.

Beyond all measure, beyond all reason, beyond all that you deserve.

Celebrating my birthday with my roommate at a gorgeous winery

Exposing the jugular

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. ~ Grey's Anatomy


I was once accused of being a 'sadistic b****" who got her "kicks off seeing children suffer".



It was an ex who, after having a frank discussion years later, admitted that the comment was reflective of his own pain, not of me. Yet for years the comment haunted me, making me doubt myself. question every decision, every motive. Even to this day I think it and twitch.

A tribute

I apologize for this stream of conscious post. I am deliberately not re-reading and editing. It is what it is, because that is what I need it to be. Unhampered by grammatical and societal expectations. A simple pouring out of my heart as I grieve and process.



We lost a patient this week.


I had a million and one posts to write. Updates on different adventures, funny happenings.

And then I lost a patient.



It's not the first time Ive worked with a bereaved family, in fact, this isn't even the most tragic situation I've worked.

But it hurts more.



We talk a lot about professional boundaries in my field, trying to find a line between building therapeutic relationships and forming unhealthy attachments. It's easy in most cases; we know where our job ends and entanglement begins, and we don't cross it.

It's harder with long term patients. Harder when we go through the journey with them, when we become invested in their future.

This young lady I knew since day one of her treatment. I was by her side for any number of heartbreaking experiences, as well as some truly happy memories. I did education when she was first diagnosed, I accompanied her to surgery when her family wasn't around, I sat and colored with her when she was alone and scared. We knew this day would come, especially when tests came back not positive a few weeks ago, but none of us ever dreamed the end would come so quick.



She passed away, at home, with her loved ones, and I can only guess the rest of us would hope the same.

And I hurt, more than any of the other passings I've worked, because this one IS different. She became a friend.

I wouldn't change one bit of it. I maintained my professional boundaries, but I still grew to care for her immensely. Yet, I do not see how I could have possibly managed to do my job without building that relationship.

We choose pain, the pain of having loved and lost or the pain of never having loved at all.

We choose pain, but it seems to me that the former is what gives life it's meaning. My life is richer because of this young lady, and as sorrowful as I am in the moment, I will cherish the time we spent together, forever value the lessons she taught me.



I'm going to a funeral tomorrow night. The first patient funeral I have ever attended. It will be hard, this I know, but I also have no doubt it will be needed. I started this journey with her, and now it is time to end it. Because her pain is gone now, her struggle is complete. She didn't lose her battle to cancer, she overcame it.



So for tonight, I will be sad, and not apologize. For tonight, I will be grateful that I have a job that allows me to reach out to those who are scared and in pain. I will be thankful that I have such a supportive, loving family, and I will enjoy the time I have with my friends. I will live my life without guilt, because the time we have is a gift. I will remember that even when it feels like Im spinning my wheels. I am still slowly building my purpose with my patients. I will remember that I am NOT perfect, but I do not need to be. It is unnecessary to beat myself up over my flaws, but to instead embrace them.

I will stop fighting for, and chasing after, the things and people who are just out of reach. I will appreciate those who love and care for me. I will never give up hope that life can be a bit better.


Tonight I will appreciate, and tomorrow... and the next tomorrow... and the next, I will remember, my sweet patient, with the beautiful face, the appreciation of coloring, the obsession with Pixar movies, who never let her circumstances define her.

New rules for sex and dating

I just wanted to take a moment and recommend that everyone, single or taken, straight or gay, christian or not, listen/watch this sermon series (4 parts):

The new rules for love sex and dating

Written by Andy Stanley, pastor at North Point Community Church (Georgia).

A refreshing and honest view of relationships and our responsibility, before, during and after dating/marriage.

Seriously, it's been life-altering for me. I think it needs to be mandatory viewing for all teenagers (and some adults), particularly those within the Church. Changing the way we view dating, commitment, and even relationships inside of marriage.

It all sums up in one simple question: "Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?"

Watch it. I promise.


** Side note- when I went to pick the labels for this post, I just started randomly clicking on past labels that fit (i.e. dating, God, love). Then I saw "lust" and had two simultaneous thoughts. 1) Wow, I guess that does really fit with this topic. and 2) When the heck have I written about lust?!?! Turns out I didn't. I wrote about trust. Still related perhaps. :)

Epiphany in the exam chair

****Side note: I began this post months ago. I'm not even going to state how long ago, because frankly, it's embarrassing. However, the story has such an interesting ending that I couldn't have even fathomed when I first started writing. My present life is facing some incredible challenges that I can't openly post about on here, but despite that I think it's finally time to share this story. It has truly impacted the way I am viewing and handling my current problems, and I hope someone else can take courage from it. That and my insomnia has hit. So goodbye sleep.****

First Posting
I have "God moments" in the weirdest places.

I promise to finish my thoughts started in the last post at some point; I can't be making false promises to my (one) reader (Hi Judy! ;)). However, God spoke to me in a life-affirming, faith-altering, goal-changing way today. I'm still processing it and I'm still attempting to come to terms with the convictions and changes I must make, but for now... here's my attempt to make sense of what happened.

I have said it before on here, and I will say it again. I don't have God moments all that often.  It's not as if I live my life with a consistent conviction that I am 'walking in his paths'. More often than not I agonize over every decision, trying to make sense of my choices, and discern God's will. Sometimes, in fact, I even forget to make God a part of my everyday life, let alone a priority. (Gasp, Shock, Horror... I know, I'm a heathen!).

But every so often, I get those nudges. Moments when I am certain, even for just a second, that I understand a small portion of God's plan.

God speaks to different people in different ways. For some it is through prayer. Some find God's word through the Bible. Others hear his voice through conversations with others or through nature. For me it is through books. Something about the written word communicates to me God's love better than any other medium. I've already discussed when God gave me clarity about my relationship trouble, and how I received comfort regarding disappointment through friends from a passage of The Shack. I shared how reading The Purpose Driven Life as a nightly devotion provided God with opportunities to give me clarity on daily struggles. And most importantly, I shared how my all-time favorite book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, was given to me by God at just the moment I needed it, and subsequently changed my entire perspective on life.

Ok on second thought, I do seem to have these moments on a semi-regular basis, however, they always occur when I am being intentional about seeking God's will. When I am so desperate for clarity and answers that I am devouring these inspirational books . My God moments spring up on me, always unexpected; the words on the page speak directly into my heart and for one moment I know that God is giving me the answers I am so desperately speaking.

My latest experience occurred at approximately 9:20 this morning as I sat in the lobby of the Nova Southeastern College of Dentistry awaiting my cavity restoration.

But I should backtrack. I apologize that this story will be lengthy, but the details are necessary to paint the picture. And hey. It's my blog. I can write what I want ;)

It's been years since I had gone to the dentist. I won't tell you how long, you'll judge. But growing up I never had cavities, even when we'd go long periods of time between visits. Given that we didn't have dental insurance until the end of my high school years, my parents didn't see the need to take us multiple times a year when our teeth were in great shape. I don't blame them, it did no harm, but I also have never had the discipline of regularly seeing my dentist the way I do my eye doctor and general physician. Then came college, grad school, internship, moving and starting my new job. It has only been in the last month when I finally began experiencing some pain in a back molar (and realizing I had great dental insurance) that I decided to put on my big girl panties, be a grown up, and get this situation sorted out.

I went to the dentist that my insurance assigned me, and suffice to say I left the office and cried in my car for about five minutes before I could drive home. Multiple cavities in every tooth, necessary braces, wisdom teeth extraction, multiple deep cleanings. I knew I didn't floss as often as I should, but given my perchance for brushing/rinsing twice a day like clockwork I was shocked to know I had let my teeth deteriorate so far.

I'll keep this brief, after praying to God in the parking lot and asking his guidance for how to pay for this ridiculous amount of dental restoration, I headed in to work and buried my feelings, too embarrassed to explain to anyone what had happened. However, I felt a nudge to confide in a co-worker, who quickly informed me that this same dentist had pulled a similar stunt on her. A second opinion revealed she had TWO cavities (not 15 as he told her) and her husband had zero (as opposed to seven). Why I felt the need to speak with her, I will never know, but I knew God was giving me clarity on the situation. I quickly called my insurance, got permission for a second opinion, and made an appointment with the dentist recommended by my friend (who also happened to be based out of the building on campus at my hospital).

My second dentist was amazing, and I highly recommend Town Care Dental for anyone in the Miami area looking for an honest, caring practice. They have many many sites, including some in the fort myers area, central florida, and all along the east coast of Florida, but I can only truly attest to the character of the locations in my area.

Regardless, my (new and current) dentist began recommending treatments to me other than expensive drilling. Nightly flouride treatments to fix the cavities that were barely forming. A mid-range cleaning instead of a deep cleaning (as I had no bone loss). The list went on, and I began to calm as I saw my teeth hypothetically healing in front of me (and my dental bill dropping!) It was later in the appointment, as my mouth trays for the flouride were being fitted, that she came in the room and said "I have an interesting proposition for you."

Long story short, it seems the new CEO of the practice was a dentist with 20+ years of experience who had just moved from California, and was thus required to take the entire certification exam/boards again. Part of these exams involved a practical hands on exam, where the candidate must actually restore the cavity on site. She informed me that my lesion was a perfect example and could be used for this exam. The experience would entail my attending the board exam, allowing him to fill the cavity (After waiting all day) and being paid $1000 in the process. Free cavity filling AND getting paid. I am so there.

Needless to say I took my dentist up on her offer, met the CEO, fell in love (so to speak) with his bed(chair?)-side manner, and agreed to go along with the experience. Fastforward a few weeks, and I found myself sitting in the front lobby of a dental school, waiting for my turn. Nervous of course, as I was about to get my first cavity filling, but excited beyond belief thinking about how this money was going to ease much of my financial burden. Excited that God had found a way to provide for my medical needs. But also with a lot of time to kill. Luckily, I had brought along reading material. Just two days earlier my copy of The Circle Maker (Mark Batterson's newest book) had arrived and something in me clearly knew to hold off reading it until that day. I opened and began to read.

Second Posting
**This is the part you will have to bear with me on, as many months later my copy of Circle Maker is in the possession of a friend who was also in need of a good pick me up/God moment**

Many parts of the book immediately began to resound with me. I read about the author and his experiences stepping back and giving God control. I learned about his friends and colleagues who had taken risks and put themselves out there, trusting God to provide. I began to feel a bit disconcerted. As I was reading a part of me commended my steadfast dedication to tithing (10% pre-tax every single paycheck), and my trust in God's financial savvyness.  

But a small voice began to whisper "but do you really give until it hurts? Do you really trust God to provide? Aren't you always giving... but not to the point that you are forced to rely on him to meet your needs"

I brushed the thought aside and kept reading, clearly God was using this very lucrative experience to come to my aid in a time of need. As I read, I came across a passage where the author comments on a time that he and his wife felt God very clearly tell them to give a certain amount of money away, although at the time they were unsure how that would be financially possible. Still they trusted.

"Maybe I'm supposed to give some of this $1000 away"

I brushed the thought aside as quickly as it came, but it returned again, like one of those really obnoxious gnats on a hot day. (You know what I mean. No? Must be a Florida thing).

"Ok God, I'll give some of it away. $100, that's tithing" Feeling really proud of myself at the moment for being so generous, but the thought continued "ok maybe $300, that's a third of it. I'm sure there's someone else who could use that money and that still leaves me with $700. It's a step above just a basic tithe and definitely shows my trust level. You know, maybe God's calling me to give it all away... oh Crap"

For the record, once those thoughts pop into your head, you are screwed. I knew right there and then in that moment that I would always feel guilty if I were too keep the money for myself. I really had no choice BUT to give it away if I wanted some sanity.

But still.I tried to push the thought aside. And kept reading.

And read about how God isn't there for our comfort. He wants us to trust. Started feeling even more guilty as I realized that this $1000, which had at first seemed like God providing for me, was really me taking control of my life into my own hands. Feeling comfortable that I could pay my mounting dental and vision bills without stressing. Getting the sense that God was convicting me of my need to truly trust him

And then God rocked my world.

I have said , over and over and over, that the Lion Book is special. I truly believe that it has a knack for finding people when they most need it. Seriously. The book drops into people's laps at the precise moment that they need to hear those words. Friends laugh when I say these thoughts, although they don't argue. But turns out, I was right.

In Circle Maker (forgive the paraphrase), Batterson gives examples of using prayer circles for his first baby, the Lion Book. He talks about the circles of prayer he and his team prayed around that book. Asking God to give it to people when they need it most. That it would find the ones intended to read it, at the exact moment they were supposed to read.

I broke down into tears. (Oddly no one in the room was concerned. Then again. It was a dental exam).  I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking to me in that moment.

I felt confirmed. That my Lion Book experiences were real. And I felt empowered. In that moment, as fear for how I was going to pay my bills began to flood in as I truly considered giving away this seemingly perfect gift, I felt God speak to me.

"Don't you trust that I can find a way to get you through? There is someone else who needs that money. Someone else who does not have the opportunity that you do, and I put you here to get that money for them. Follow through on this for me, put yourself into my hands, and see what I can do."

A name also popped into my head, which I will keep anonymous here. But an acquaintance, whom I knew was suffering more than I. I also knew exactly how to get the money to this person without them knowing the source. Something about that fact made me excited; knowing that I was not getting any glory for this, that God was going to use me to answer someone else's prayers.

So I gave the $1000 away. I cut my losses, thanked God for the gift of a free cavity filling, told a few select friends about the experience, and felt stronger for it. I filed the whole encounter away in my 'crazy God moments box' and figured we were done.


I was wrong.


Almost two months after this experience I was driving to a coffee shop when I got a call from my dad. We were catching up on various things and then he stated "I have something to tell you."

Apparently 25 years ago a good friend started a college fund for myself (and any future kids my parents might have). Due to some issues with paperwork when my parents moved, the government assumed that the account was supposed to be closed and sent my parents a check. My dad informed me that $3000 had been deposited into my bank account that afternoon.

I nearly ran a red light I was so overwhelmed.

And God laughed. Not in derision, but in joy. In amusement at what was surely a hilarious expression on my face. In pride, of how incredibly intricate his plan became. And in love, I'm sure, for being able to show me his power and care in a way that truly taught me a valuable lesson.

Like I said. I have God moments in the weirdest places.

God Hates the Gays: The church, homosexuality, and problems with the modern religion. (Part Two)

In the wake of both the UMC's upholding of homosexuality as 'inconsistent' with biblical teachings, and the passing of Amendment 1 in North Carolina today, I guess it's time to continue with this post. I've been putting it off, waiting until inspiration hit, but despite a lack of clarity on what this content should be, I know the time to write is now.

These historical decisions have certainly inspired the ire of a great number of individuals on either side. Even for someone like myself who tries to stay away from engaging in political/religious debate on the internet, it has been difficult not to correct false assumptions, or respond to what I judge as inaccuracies.

I stated in my last post that my struggle with this issue is the absence of love and acceptance. We say that God loves us, warts and all, yet we are unwilling to extend that devotion to those whose lifestyles we deem 'incompatible' with our beliefs.

But where do our beliefs come from? Most would cite a religious text (the Bible for Christiantiy, the Bhagavad Gita for Hinduism, Qu'ran for Islam). I would argue these writings are certainly the foundation for our doctrines, yet is man's interpretation of those words that builds a religious movement.

There was a time in our nation's history when religious men used the Bible to justify the enslavement of 'colored individuals'. There have been times when religious institutions used the Bible to justify the mass murders of other civilizations. Religious movements have used their texts to justify terrorism, genocides, the suppression of women and more. As culture changes, as history evolves, it is always important to study our various texts and understand them within the society for which they were originally intended.

Despite my frustration with the Methodist church, I must say that I do greatly admire our willingness to consider these controversial issues. To recognize that as the world changes, we must change with it to stay relevant. I may not always agree with the decisions, but meeting people where they are is the first step to spreading God's love in the world.

You'll notice I always refer to God and not Jesus.

Do not get me wrong, I am not refuting the divinity of Christ, or the validity of his sacrifice. For me, however, I have always responded better to the 'father' aspect of God. The creator, the overseer, the ethereal personage. I am going to simplify a thought that I promise is much more complex and contemplated then it will appear here: God sent Jesus in an attempt to show us how much he loved us. To allow us to get past our own guilt and self-deprecation and realize that in our extreme depravity, he still loves and CAN save us, redeeming us for eternal life with him. But, in the greater scheme of things, my God is big and powerful enough to reach his people in other ways as well. He was doing it thousands and thousands of years before Christ, and I believe he can continue to do it now. I follow Christianity because it was the culture in which I was raised; the method with which I was taught to commune with my creator, but I have always felt spiritually and intellectually stymied by the teaching that other religions have no validity.

If you have not read Rob Bell's book Love Wins I highly suggest you read it. Regardless if you are a conservative Christian who is content in your beliefs of heaven and hell, a skeptic, an atheist, a Muslim, or just an intrigued scholar, this highly controversial book will force you to examine your own convictions. It may not change your faith, in fact it may cement it one way or another, but I truly believe that a faith that is not consistently questioned, challenged and expanded is dead. If you are truly confident in your belief system, then re-examining those beliefs in light of new evidence should not be threatening. If your faith does not grow and mature with you, it is not serving you to its fullest.

Anyway...

I quote Rob Bell:

As Jesus says in John 10, "I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen." This should not surprise us. The gospel, Paul writes in his letter to he Colossians, "has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven" (chap. 1). Every. Creature. Under. Heaven./ As wide as creation. Including everybody. The whole world. This is crucial for how we understand the current state of world religions, with its staggering number of religions themselves, let alone the multitudes of splinter groups and subgroups and denominations and factions and varied interpretations. Religions should not surprise us. We crave meaning and order and explanation. We're desperate for connection with something greater than ourselves. This is not new. This has not caught Jesus off guard. Jesus insisted in the midst of this massive array of belief and practice that God was doing something new in human history, something through him, something that involved everybody. John remembers Jesus saying "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me (chap 14)".... What he doesn't say is how, or when, or in what manner the mechanism functions that gets people to God through him. He doesn't even state that those coming to the Father through  him will even know that they are coming exclusively through him, He simply claims that whatever God is doing in the world to know and redeem and love and restore the world is happening through him."   (Rob Bell, Love Wins, pg 152-154).

The Writers of the scriptures consistently affirm that we're all part of the same family. What we have in common- regardless of our tribe, language, customs, beliefs, or religion- outweighs our differences. This is why God wants "all people to be saved". History is about the kind of love a parent has for a child, the kind of love that pursues, searches, creates, connects, and bonds. The kind of love that moves toward, embraces, and always works to be reconciled with, regardless of the cost. " (Love Wins, pg 99)

So where am I going with this? I think that we (all people, regardless of faith) get so wrapped up in dictating how what we believe impacts our lives (and the lives of others) that we stop focusing on what it is that we actually do believe.

Case in point, I don't often tell people my dad is a minister.

Not because I find it embarrassing. Not because I am ashamed. But because the reaction is always the same: "Oh wow, Im going to have to watch what I say around you!"

The automatic reaction is to assume that I will judge.

It's sad. Incredibly heartbreaking that as a whole Christianity is known for what it is against instead of what it is for.

Sad that the world first associates us with our hatred of sinners, gays, adulterers, and abortion, rather than the love of God.

Because isn't that what God is about? Paul states that the 'Gospel' has been meant for everyone. Gospel translates simply to 'good news'. And what is that good news? That God loves us. That he loves us so much he was willing to do whatever it took to demonstrate it. I'm going to tread on some toes here, but in my mind, Christ's death alone is NOT the good news. The best, most awesome, most inspiring news, is that God loves us. He desires us. He pursues us. Our lives are purposeful. We are not accidents. In a world of failures, disappointments, and seemingly meaningless happenings.... there is a plan. And it is orchestrated by a being that loves us within the depths of his (or her) core.

It doesn't get much better than that.

And yet we get sidetracked.

We are humans, beings that desire order and control. We are frightened of being overwhelmed, of being out of the loop. We do not function without a plan. And we do not cope well with the abstract. So we take God and we put in him into a box that we can fathom.

Im not disputing the need for this. Anyone who has had a "mountaintop" experience, as it is often referred to, can attest that to be fully in the presence of God and immersed in his full wonder is overwhelming and exhausting. In this human form we are not built to survive a continual relationship of this magnitude.

So we condense the wonder into smaller bite sized chunks for daily consumption.

The problem comes when we start believing that the watered down, abridged, Cliff notes version of God is as much as there is to our creator.

When we start limiting God.

I don't begin to suggest that I have it completely right. That I have some grand knowledge that overshadows any one else's truth. That's the great thing about truth, especially religious truth, it caters to each of our needs. God can be whatever, whoever, wherever, whenever we need.

But I do think it's time that we start letting go of the tight hold we have on God's leash and start letting him run the show again.

God is love. He loves all his children, even the ones who don't love him back. Maybe if we start sharing that news, demonstrating his love, living out the gospel, we can start reaching those we have alienated and hurt.

Maybe we can bring our world back into harmony. Maybe we can give people a reason why they need God.

Because I'm going to clue you in on a secret.

Telling people they are unworthy, sinners, and going to hell isn't going to convince them of anything.

Living a life of purpose and love that stands in direct contrast to the misery and pain of the world around us will.

Maybe we will stop passing homophobic amendments that limit and hurt the rights of heterosexuals just as much the LGBT community just because we are scared.

Maybe we will stop building walls between our churches/synagogues/mosques and the people who need the love the most.

Maybe we will start actively reaching out a hand to those around us, without first assessing the state of their personal lives.

Maybe we can make a difference.

Maybe, God can save the day.

God Hates the Gays: The church, homosexuality, and problems with the modern religion. (Part One)

Disclaimer: I debated long and hard about writing this post. I tend to keep my mouth shut on many 'social' religious issues, because no matter what I say I'm going to make someone mad. Conservatives Christians: because I'm too liberal and don't give the Bible enough credit. Non religious folks : because I give the Bible ANY credit. English and Philosophy Majors: because my arguments always have holes (and grammatical errors) in them. But this post wouldn't leave me alone. I have to write it. I'm going to say up front: you don't have to agree with me. In fact, you are welcome to think I am wrong. HOWEVER, if you DO think I'm an idiot, please refrain from trying to convert or change my mind, from belittling me, and from judging my character based on a hurridly written blog post.

Source

In case you are unaware, the 2012 United Methodist General Conference is meeting in Tampa Florida this week. For those of you who do not have an entire section of your brain burdened blessed with a complex knowledge of the innerworkings of the Methodist Church here is a brief breakdown:


The local church is overseen by an appointed pastor who is assigned to his charge one year at a time.  All of the churches (and ministries such as campus ministry) in a regional area are grouped together as a "district" and overseen by a district superintendent.  The districts of a larger area (typically as a whole state, or part of a state) are grouped into finite conferences. For instance, the majority of Florida serves as the "Florida Conference"; however some smaller states may be grouped together, while other states (such as North Carolina) are broken up into two conferences. Each conference is primarily sovereign and overseen by a "Bishop". These conferences each hold annual meetings to discuss pertinent issues, assign pastors to new charges, work on overseas ministries, etc. 

The Methodist church as a whole is encompassed in the greater United Methodist Church Every four years each conference elects delegates to attend the General Conference. The Methodist Church is governed by the Book of Discipline although each conference has it's own set of rules that coordinate with the BOD . Every four years at General Conference different conferences can petition for changes in the BOD. The attending delegates discuss, debate, and ultimately vote on how to address these changes. Sometimes they are dismissed, sometimes the BOD is actually rewritten. This is how the church adapts to meet the needs of its people in modern times.


Wow long winded.


Tomorrow marks the conference vote on the Methodist Church's stance on homosexuality. I won't get into all the details, but this has been a long debated topic in our church... in every church. (and yes despite my personal issues with organized religion, and my current affiliation with a presbyterian church, I apparently DO consider myself a Methodist). Essentially, several conferences are petitioning to remove condemnation in our book of discipline to reflect the conflicted nature of the church, and to readdress the current ban on ordination for non-celibate gay ministers (and ban on performing same-sex marriages). 

It's an interesting topic, and one I've avoided coming out (hah pun intended!) officially as either pro or con on.

Source

I grew up in a Christian Community. A very open, loving, and welcoming community, but one with fairly conservative values. I was taught (by my family, my church, my teachers), that homosexuality itself is wrong, but that we should still love everyone. "Hate the sin, Love the sinner" mentality.

It's a great mentality to have, it truly is great. None of us are perfect; we all have flaws. If we are going to ostracize a group of individuals by one choice they make, to define them entirely by a single flaw, then we have to turn that thought process on ourselves. We all make mistakes. We all have behaviors we continue to engage in even though we may know they are wrong. My problem with this thought though is that more and more as I aged I began to question the designation of "sin".

Why is homosexuality such a problem? Why are we so quick to chastise people for these behaviors.

 What the Bible says (and doesnt say about homosexuality) 

An individual posted this article on the conference webpage and I found it highly intriguing. If you haven't had a chance to read it, I hope you will. NOT because I am trying to change people's minds or force my agenda, but because I believe the only way we can truly know our mind on a topic is to study all sides of the discussion. If you read this article and find issues with the logic and thought process, ok. I just hope you will keep an open mind.

But back to my question. Why do we take the topic so personally?! How does the behaviors of an individual in the bedroom with another consenting adult affect us. Why do we get so defensive about promoting our own beliefs on the topic (either way)?

Another pastor's daughter... who kissed a girl and liked it? ;)

In my experience (25 years as the daughter of an ordained (and soon to be Ph.D) clergy member), people take their faith very seriously. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, the concept of religion provides a significant foundation for a person's identity. Even those who dismiss belief in God are defined by THAT fact; I've met many an atheist who has become very angry and defensive when someone talks to them about God.

God (or lack there of ) defines us. Perhaps my next blog topic will be a discussion on my personal theories regarding organized religion, and the need to apply concrete rules and thoughts to an abstract and intangible topic. But regardless, criticizing an individual's faith is to demean that person's entire being. Unfortunately, many of these social topics have become heavily influenced by religious (or secular) thought. When the beliefs that abortion is wrong, homosexuals are going to hell, and birth control is immoral become entwined in one's concept of God, suddenly the private life of another DOES become personal.

So where am I going with all of this?

People take their religious beliefs seriously. With the upcoming vote on the Methodist Church's stance I have seen the best and worst in my fellow Christians. My thought process keeps coming back to this one thought:

Why is our purpose so focused on telling people what they are doing wrong with their lives instead of sharing with them the love of Christ?!

We have become so intent on spelling out all of the reasons people won't go to heaven instead of telling them the reason that they can!! What is wrong with this picture? How can we possibly look at a person and condemn them to an eternity of misery and pain based off one lifestyle choice. I certainly hope God is not so blindsighted when he looks at me to focus in on my perchance for gossiping, or my temper, or my condescending attitude, and think "wow... this girl so does not deserve heaven."

Because I don't. And neither do you. None of us DESERVE anything. We are given it because God is love. It is about his love for us, THAT is the message of the gospel. In my opinion, this obsession with homosexuality, with abortion, with ANY social issue, is just masking our true purpose. God didn't come to condemn. He came to save. (John 3:17).

Source

I am going to stop this post here, as my brain is slowly turning to mush after a very, very long day. Rest assured, there will be a part two, and maybe three; continuation of this thought as I hammer out my own personal beliefs. In my experience, God won't let me rest until I've given this topic its due focus. However, I'd like to end with an excerpt from an email (and fb posting) to a friend who had messaged me, quite concerned about my beliefs on homosexuality:

But in essence, I have to ask... why does it concern you what they desire? If their homosexual beliefs are distressing to them, something they wish to shed, then absolutely seek treatment! I would say the same to any heterosexual struggling with their sexuality and expressions there of. However, for someone in a committed, happy, monogomous relaitonship with a person of the same sex? Why does it matter to you? How does it have any impact on YOUR life? Because you don't think God can save them? We all sin. All of us. Every single day. I believe God doesn't care so much about the issues we make to be such a big deal as we do. In my experience, God wants us to be fulfilled, and content, in a life with relationship through him. Unfortunately modern organized religion, and our well-meaning, but often misguided, attempts to change people to make their lives more "moral" push people away. People equate God relationships with Chrisitanity and because they can't 'buy' into the doctrine that we pound into their heads, they assume that means there is no room for spirituality in their lives.

My point in posting was to present an interesting take on a very controversial issue, and to remind people that our two greatest commandments are to love God and to love each other. I personally think we spend too much time trying to understand the rules and regulations and teaching others how to behave (or how not to behave) and WAY too little time on sharing God's great love. THAT is the message of the gospel. That despite (all of) our sins and mistakes, God still cherishes us and was willing to do whatever it took to prove it. After we've got that part straight... THEN we can take the time to figure the rest of it out. You don't have to agree with it, but all I have to say is regardless of whether or not you believe homosexuality is wrong, God calls us to love ALL his children. Not just the ones we like; not just the ones who believe the same things we believe. None of us are perfect, and it's time the church (universally, across denominations) starts sharing that love instead of using it condemn and belittle each other. John 3:17.

Desire.

I had a God moment tonight.

There is no other way to explain it.

Suffice to say the night was rough. I was left at the other end of a conversation that had me bawling my eyes out. Worried that once again Im one step away from being left in the cold, so heart broken that I don't know how to put the pieces together again. Except this time would be so much worse. Trust me on that one.

I took a shower, utterly confused, praying desperately for a sign from God. Wanting to trust an utter conviction that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to, despite my logical mind telling me otherwise. Trying to ignore that cynical part of my heart stating "you know you don't deserve to find happiness, you're just going to be abandoned again. No guy will ever think you are worth the fight."

So I prayed for a sign. And I waited, and nothing came.

Then I glanced over at my shelf and saw a book "The Journey of Desire: Searching for the life we've only dreamed of" (John Eldredge). A colleague at work has suggested the book a few weeks ago and I had purchased it, but had yet to have time to open the cover. Tonight was different though. It was late, I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it was time to read the book.

The same way I knew I was supposed to be in Orlando last winter. The same way I knew I was supposed to take my job in Miami. The same way I know that I'm in the right field.

Sometimes I just know.

Honestly it reminded me a  lot of the experience with my most recent book obsession (the Lion Book). For weeks I had been hearing about this manuscript and knew that I was supposed to read it eventually, but  I knew the time wasn't right. Then one day I felt the inner voice saying "Go get that book this very moment." I obliged to my inner bossiness, read the book, and had a life changing revelation a mere three hours before my world fell apart.

The same thing happened with my eHarmony experience. Deep down I've known for years that I was one day going to use that site to find my husband. I just knew in a way that defied reason. I also knew I hadn't reached the right time in my life for that experience. Until one night the timer in my head went off and without a single doubt I completed my profile. One week later I was matched with Curtis.

Maybe its the same way birds know when it's time to fly south for the winter. Maybe its the same way dogs can sense when a storm is coming. Maybe Im overthinking things way too late at night :). Either way, safe to say I have a pretty powerful intuition.

Where was I? Oh yes. My God moment.

It was time to start tackling this book my inner timer told me.

So I began to read. One page after another, interested, with a growing sense that one way or another I was about to get the answer I was looking for (Even if was not the answer I wanted). And then I stumbled on this passage:

Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt. You already know this., You have retreated from love countless times in your life because of it. We all  have. We have been and will be hurt by the loss of loved ones, by what they have done to us and we to them. Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain: the pain of too much beauty, of overwhelming magnificence. Further, no matter how perfect a love may be, it is never really satisfied.. In both joy and pain, love is boundless (The Awakened Heart.... in The Journey of Desire).

I barely got through the first three sentences before the tears started running down my face. Then I read the sentence "Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain" and my world began to change. I felt the tingly warmness over my entire body and began gasping for breath as the sensation became over powering. The tears continued to fall but they didn't control me, rather I simply sat through the mind-numbing realization that I am going to be ok. I have always tried to describe this awareness to others, a recognition that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. I once told an ex that I appreciated my experiences at the hospital because "there is a certain exquisite beauty in pain"; to which he told me I was a sadistic ***** which got my kicks of watching dying children. I really know how to find them huh?

But that message was there. For me. With that one specific phrasing God was telling me that the message in that passage was for me. God doesn't come to me in a burning bush. He doesn't speak in a booming voice, or appear as a mirage. God speaks to me through literature, and not as often as I would like, but sometimes I get that inner stirring of "this is meant for you".


So where does this leave me? Utterly convinced that I am doing the right thing by putting myself out there in all aspects of my life. I am not guaranteed infinite happiness, in fact I know without a doubt I will struggle along the way. But as I once read in a class on death and dying "Everyone chooses a pain, either the pain of loving and losing, or the pain of never loving at all".

Tonight I felt like God was telling me it was ok to choose to try. I don't know what the result will be, I don't know where my happiness lies; but I do know that to deny my inner need  to jump all in and experience life to the fullest would be to deny myself. Sure others may not understand it, but that's ok. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'd rather live with the me that I truly am instead of the me that I think others want me to be.

So I continue reaching and I continue fighting with every fiber of my being. At the end of the day, I can live with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could, and the rest is in God's (and other's) hands. I keep being me and stop apologizing for it along the way.

And I hold tight to the conviction that regardless of where the road leads, I am an active participant in my own Journey towards my heart's deepest desires.