I have to preface this post by saying it is the one I have been dreading writing the most. I get emotional just thinking about that Sunday. Part of this documentation process, Ive realized, is making myself process and heal from the experience. As I mentioned in the last post, God kept me from writing prior to this point. I instinctively knew it was not time to reflect, and I have to believe it is because he has something else to teach me about it now.. two weeks later. But still, its been more difficult than I anticipated to continually put myself back in those shoes. I apologize if this post is more disjointed and I seem less emotionally invested, it's a coping mechanism.
A conversation with a friend via text:
"I'm blogging and hating every second of it. Not because I don't want to write, but because it's so scary and overwhelming revisiting these experiences... I'm scared to write Sunday, I started hyperventilating just thinking about it."
"[Your posts so far] are both fantastic and I love you for having the courage to put it out there!! Keep being brave, it's not only for you :)"
And maybe that's the heart of the matter. I feel overly indulgent writing these posts. It's so personal and raw, that it feels unfair to burden others with the events of Week Two. But maybe that's the point. If one other person can take heart from my struggles, from my vulnerability, then it is all worth it.
So I will write, stop procrastinating, and write, because week two is where the game began to change.
Sunday, April 7
"But that's not all. We also brag when we are suffering. We know that suffering create endurance, endurance creates character and character creates confidence." ~Romans 5:3-4
I think about the verse and how applicable it has been to my growth over the last week.I got dressed for church, and as I left that morning, I stopped by one last time to pet her head, tell her I loved her, and made sure her litterbox was clean.I was ecstatic to go to church as I hadn't been in almost a month (due to travel schedules, work schedules, and one Sunday event). I have amazing friends and support there, and after church was a huge community dinner, a great day to worship the Lord! And boy did I have things for which to thank him.
Grace in Trouble(James 1:1-8)
James a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, beacuse you know that the testing of yoru faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
"Pain is not something most people like. That is why we run from it as far as we can. That is also why we aren't free. Jesus hardly ever goes to those places where we run. When pain comes (or when we fear that it will come), don't run away. Run to it, and you will find you have run into the arms of Jesus. Then you will laugh and dance in the freedom and reality of God's sufficiency and the power that becomes awesome in your weakness." Steve Brown
"The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt." Thomas Merton
We better have an all-terrain faith
Grace changes everything.
1. God is for us in our troubles not against us.
2. God is working through our troubles to develop us.
3. God will continue his work until it is finished.
4. God will provide us with the wisdom we need to endure.
"Are you sure it's financially worth it to keep doing this when its not helping?"
"Please. Just come."
My gut tells me to do it. I agree. I call my parents and fill them in. They are naturally concerned for me; not that they don’t trust the vet, but they don’t want me put in a position to make decisions that I feel pressed to make. I decide to call my friend and ask her to come meet me there. It’s a huge step for me; while I am perfectly willing to do favors for friends, I have a difficult time asking for them in return. I feel awful asking her to drive 30 minutes out of her way, but the moment I say it, she tells me she is getting in her car. She will be there as soon as she can.
To Be Continued..