There's a dirty little secret about long-term depression that only people who have suffered will understand:
It never completely goes away.
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Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label purpose. Show all posts
Monday, September 2, 2013
Depression Lies... and it's a big bully
** Disclaimer- although I DO have a B.S.. in psychology and M.S. in child development and family relations, with graduate work in clinical psychology, I am NOT a licensed therapist, and the opinions below are my own. If you are suffering from any type of mental health issue, please seek out professional help, there is hope of a better tomorrow, I promise**
There's a dirty little secret about long-term depression that only people who have suffered will understand:
It never completely goes away.
There's a dirty little secret about long-term depression that only people who have suffered will understand:
It never completely goes away.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Thoughts on Prayer Part Two: Or the start of the "Positivity Project"
When God closes a door sometimes there seems to be no real reason 'why', and all we can do is trust it was because there was something scary on the other side we hadn't yet seen... like a rabid dog, or a serial killer.
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I had a major setback today.
Once again, details shouldn't, and won't, be discussed on an open public forum, but needless to say something I have been praying over, had friends praying over, hit a major roadblock.
It's been difficult... and life affirming all at the same time.
I should back up
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Exposing the jugular
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I
don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why
do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I
stop. ~ Grey's Anatomy
I was once accused of being a 'sadistic b****" who got her "kicks off seeing children suffer".
It was an ex who, after having a frank discussion years later, admitted that the comment was reflective of his own pain, not of me. Yet for years the comment haunted me, making me doubt myself. question every decision, every motive. Even to this day I think it and twitch.
I was once accused of being a 'sadistic b****" who got her "kicks off seeing children suffer".
It was an ex who, after having a frank discussion years later, admitted that the comment was reflective of his own pain, not of me. Yet for years the comment haunted me, making me doubt myself. question every decision, every motive. Even to this day I think it and twitch.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Thankfulness continues
Things that reminded me of how blessed I am today:
1) Receiving the sweetest, and unexpected email, from the parent of a former patient today. He wanted to let me know what a significant impact I had made on his daughter's recovery, and tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers daily. The patient is also back in school; considering we weren't expecting her to pull through, I find this to be an absolute miracle and think it humbling to know God was able to use me in such a powerful way.
2) Super awesome halloween cookies baked by a patient as part of her occupational therapy.
3) Scoring $1.65 tube socks at Target with which to make my super handy ice pack contraption for Friday.
4) Calls and emails from friends who just wanted to let me know they care.
5) Being employed in a field that, while stressful, constantly reminds me that I am blessed. Seriously, no matter how bad my day is, I always work with someone dealing with issues that make my problems look miniscule.
1) Receiving the sweetest, and unexpected email, from the parent of a former patient today. He wanted to let me know what a significant impact I had made on his daughter's recovery, and tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers daily. The patient is also back in school; considering we weren't expecting her to pull through, I find this to be an absolute miracle and think it humbling to know God was able to use me in such a powerful way.
2) Super awesome halloween cookies baked by a patient as part of her occupational therapy.
3) Scoring $1.65 tube socks at Target with which to make my super handy ice pack contraption for Friday.
4) Calls and emails from friends who just wanted to let me know they care.
5) Being employed in a field that, while stressful, constantly reminds me that I am blessed. Seriously, no matter how bad my day is, I always work with someone dealing with issues that make my problems look miniscule.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Epiphany in the exam chair
****Side note: I began this post months ago. I'm not even going to state how long ago, because frankly, it's embarrassing. However, the story has such an interesting ending that I couldn't have even fathomed when I first started writing. My present life is facing some incredible challenges that I can't openly post about on here, but despite that I think it's finally time to share this story. It has truly impacted the way I am viewing and handling my current problems, and I hope someone else can take courage from it. That and my insomnia has hit. So goodbye sleep.****
First Posting
I have "God moments" in the weirdest places.
I promise to finish my thoughts started in the last post at some point; I can't be making false promises to my (one) reader (Hi Judy! ;)). However, God spoke to me in a life-affirming, faith-altering, goal-changing way today. I'm still processing it and I'm still attempting to come to terms with the convictions and changes I must make, but for now... here's my attempt to make sense of what happened.
I have said it before on here, and I will say it again. I don't have God moments all that often. It's not as if I live my life with a consistent conviction that I am 'walking in his paths'. More often than not I agonize over every decision, trying to make sense of my choices, and discern God's will. Sometimes, in fact, I even forget to make God a part of my everyday life, let alone a priority. (Gasp, Shock, Horror... I know, I'm a heathen!).
But every so often, I get those nudges. Moments when I am certain, even for just a second, that I understand a small portion of God's plan.
God speaks to different people in different ways. For some it is through prayer. Some find God's word through the Bible. Others hear his voice through conversations with others or through nature. For me it is through books. Something about the written word communicates to me God's love better than any other medium. I've already discussed when God gave me clarity about my relationship trouble, and how I received comfort regarding disappointment through friends from a passage of The Shack. I shared how reading The Purpose Driven Life as a nightly devotion provided God with opportunities to give me clarity on daily struggles. And most importantly, I shared how my all-time favorite book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, was given to me by God at just the moment I needed it, and subsequently changed my entire perspective on life.
Ok on second thought, I do seem to have these moments on a semi-regular basis, however, they always occur when I am being intentional about seeking God's will. When I am so desperate for clarity and answers that I am devouring these inspirational books . My God moments spring up on me, always unexpected; the words on the page speak directly into my heart and for one moment I know that God is giving me the answers I am so desperately speaking.
My latest experience occurred at approximately 9:20 this morning as I sat in the lobby of the Nova Southeastern College of Dentistry awaiting my cavity restoration.
But I should backtrack. I apologize that this story will be lengthy, but the details are necessary to paint the picture. And hey. It's my blog. I can write what I want ;)
It's been years since I had gone to the dentist. I won't tell you how long, you'll judge. But growing up I never had cavities, even when we'd go long periods of time between visits. Given that we didn't have dental insurance until the end of my high school years, my parents didn't see the need to take us multiple times a year when our teeth were in great shape. I don't blame them, it did no harm, but I also have never had the discipline of regularly seeing my dentist the way I do my eye doctor and general physician. Then came college, grad school, internship, moving and starting my new job. It has only been in the last month when I finally began experiencing some pain in a back molar (and realizing I had great dental insurance) that I decided to put on my big girl panties, be a grown up, and get this situation sorted out.
I went to the dentist that my insurance assigned me, and suffice to say I left the office and cried in my car for about five minutes before I could drive home. Multiple cavities in every tooth, necessary braces, wisdom teeth extraction, multiple deep cleanings. I knew I didn't floss as often as I should, but given my perchance for brushing/rinsing twice a day like clockwork I was shocked to know I had let my teeth deteriorate so far.
I'll keep this brief, after praying to God in the parking lot and asking his guidance for how to pay for this ridiculous amount of dental restoration, I headed in to work and buried my feelings, too embarrassed to explain to anyone what had happened. However, I felt a nudge to confide in a co-worker, who quickly informed me that this same dentist had pulled a similar stunt on her. A second opinion revealed she had TWO cavities (not 15 as he told her) and her husband had zero (as opposed to seven). Why I felt the need to speak with her, I will never know, but I knew God was giving me clarity on the situation. I quickly called my insurance, got permission for a second opinion, and made an appointment with the dentist recommended by my friend (who also happened to be based out of the building on campus at my hospital).
My second dentist was amazing, and I highly recommend Town Care Dental for anyone in the Miami area looking for an honest, caring practice. They have many many sites, including some in the fort myers area, central florida, and all along the east coast of Florida, but I can only truly attest to the character of the locations in my area.
Regardless, my (new and current) dentist began recommending treatments to me other than expensive drilling. Nightly flouride treatments to fix the cavities that were barely forming. A mid-range cleaning instead of a deep cleaning (as I had no bone loss). The list went on, and I began to calm as I saw my teeth hypothetically healing in front of me (and my dental bill dropping!) It was later in the appointment, as my mouth trays for the flouride were being fitted, that she came in the room and said "I have an interesting proposition for you."
Long story short, it seems the new CEO of the practice was a dentist with 20+ years of experience who had just moved from California, and was thus required to take the entire certification exam/boards again. Part of these exams involved a practical hands on exam, where the candidate must actually restore the cavity on site. She informed me that my lesion was a perfect example and could be used for this exam. The experience would entail my attending the board exam, allowing him to fill the cavity (After waiting all day) and being paid $1000 in the process. Free cavity filling AND getting paid. I am so there.
Needless to say I took my dentist up on her offer, met the CEO, fell in love (so to speak) with his bed(chair?)-side manner, and agreed to go along with the experience. Fastforward a few weeks, and I found myself sitting in the front lobby of a dental school, waiting for my turn. Nervous of course, as I was about to get my first cavity filling, but excited beyond belief thinking about how this money was going to ease much of my financial burden. Excited that God had found a way to provide for my medical needs. But also with a lot of time to kill. Luckily, I had brought along reading material. Just two days earlier my copy of The Circle Maker (Mark Batterson's newest book) had arrived and something in me clearly knew to hold off reading it until that day. I opened and began to read.
Second Posting
**This is the part you will have to bear with me on, as many months later my copy of Circle Maker is in the possession of a friend who was also in need of a good pick me up/God moment**
Many parts of the book immediately began to resound with me. I read about the author and his experiences stepping back and giving God control. I learned about his friends and colleagues who had taken risks and put themselves out there, trusting God to provide. I began to feel a bit disconcerted. As I was reading a part of me commended my steadfast dedication to tithing (10% pre-tax every single paycheck), and my trust in God's financial savvyness.
But a small voice began to whisper "but do you really give until it hurts? Do you really trust God to provide? Aren't you always giving... but not to the point that you are forced to rely on him to meet your needs"
I brushed the thought aside and kept reading, clearly God was using this very lucrative experience to come to my aid in a time of need. As I read, I came across a passage where the author comments on a time that he and his wife felt God very clearly tell them to give a certain amount of money away, although at the time they were unsure how that would be financially possible. Still they trusted.
"Maybe I'm supposed to give some of this $1000 away"
I brushed the thought aside as quickly as it came, but it returned again, like one of those really obnoxious gnats on a hot day. (You know what I mean. No? Must be a Florida thing).
"Ok God, I'll give some of it away. $100, that's tithing" Feeling really proud of myself at the moment for being so generous, but the thought continued "ok maybe $300, that's a third of it. I'm sure there's someone else who could use that money and that still leaves me with $700. It's a step above just a basic tithe and definitely shows my trust level. You know, maybe God's calling me to give it all away... oh Crap"
For the record, once those thoughts pop into your head, you are screwed. I knew right there and then in that moment that I would always feel guilty if I were too keep the money for myself. I really had no choice BUT to give it away if I wanted some sanity.
But still.I tried to push the thought aside. And kept reading.
And read about how God isn't there for our comfort. He wants us to trust. Started feeling even more guilty as I realized that this $1000, which had at first seemed like God providing for me, was really me taking control of my life into my own hands. Feeling comfortable that I could pay my mounting dental and vision bills without stressing. Getting the sense that God was convicting me of my need to truly trust him
And then God rocked my world.
I have said , over and over and over, that the Lion Book is special. I truly believe that it has a knack for finding people when they most need it. Seriously. The book drops into people's laps at the precise moment that they need to hear those words. Friends laugh when I say these thoughts, although they don't argue. But turns out, I was right.
In Circle Maker (forgive the paraphrase), Batterson gives examples of using prayer circles for his first baby, the Lion Book. He talks about the circles of prayer he and his team prayed around that book. Asking God to give it to people when they need it most. That it would find the ones intended to read it, at the exact moment they were supposed to read.
I broke down into tears. (Oddly no one in the room was concerned. Then again. It was a dental exam). I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking to me in that moment.
I felt confirmed. That my Lion Book experiences were real. And I felt empowered. In that moment, as fear for how I was going to pay my bills began to flood in as I truly considered giving away this seemingly perfect gift, I felt God speak to me.
"Don't you trust that I can find a way to get you through? There is someone else who needs that money. Someone else who does not have the opportunity that you do, and I put you here to get that money for them. Follow through on this for me, put yourself into my hands, and see what I can do."
A name also popped into my head, which I will keep anonymous here. But an acquaintance, whom I knew was suffering more than I. I also knew exactly how to get the money to this person without them knowing the source. Something about that fact made me excited; knowing that I was not getting any glory for this, that God was going to use me to answer someone else's prayers.
So I gave the $1000 away. I cut my losses, thanked God for the gift of a free cavity filling, told a few select friends about the experience, and felt stronger for it. I filed the whole encounter away in my 'crazy God moments box' and figured we were done.
I was wrong.
Almost two months after this experience I was driving to a coffee shop when I got a call from my dad. We were catching up on various things and then he stated "I have something to tell you."
Apparently 25 years ago a good friend started a college fund for myself (and any future kids my parents might have). Due to some issues with paperwork when my parents moved, the government assumed that the account was supposed to be closed and sent my parents a check. My dad informed me that $3000 had been deposited into my bank account that afternoon.
I nearly ran a red light I was so overwhelmed.
And God laughed. Not in derision, but in joy. In amusement at what was surely a hilarious expression on my face. In pride, of how incredibly intricate his plan became. And in love, I'm sure, for being able to show me his power and care in a way that truly taught me a valuable lesson.
Like I said. I have God moments in the weirdest places.
First Posting
I have "God moments" in the weirdest places.
I promise to finish my thoughts started in the last post at some point; I can't be making false promises to my (one) reader (Hi Judy! ;)). However, God spoke to me in a life-affirming, faith-altering, goal-changing way today. I'm still processing it and I'm still attempting to come to terms with the convictions and changes I must make, but for now... here's my attempt to make sense of what happened.
I have said it before on here, and I will say it again. I don't have God moments all that often. It's not as if I live my life with a consistent conviction that I am 'walking in his paths'. More often than not I agonize over every decision, trying to make sense of my choices, and discern God's will. Sometimes, in fact, I even forget to make God a part of my everyday life, let alone a priority. (Gasp, Shock, Horror... I know, I'm a heathen!).
But every so often, I get those nudges. Moments when I am certain, even for just a second, that I understand a small portion of God's plan.
God speaks to different people in different ways. For some it is through prayer. Some find God's word through the Bible. Others hear his voice through conversations with others or through nature. For me it is through books. Something about the written word communicates to me God's love better than any other medium. I've already discussed when God gave me clarity about my relationship trouble, and how I received comfort regarding disappointment through friends from a passage of The Shack. I shared how reading The Purpose Driven Life as a nightly devotion provided God with opportunities to give me clarity on daily struggles. And most importantly, I shared how my all-time favorite book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, was given to me by God at just the moment I needed it, and subsequently changed my entire perspective on life.
Ok on second thought, I do seem to have these moments on a semi-regular basis, however, they always occur when I am being intentional about seeking God's will. When I am so desperate for clarity and answers that I am devouring these inspirational books . My God moments spring up on me, always unexpected; the words on the page speak directly into my heart and for one moment I know that God is giving me the answers I am so desperately speaking.
My latest experience occurred at approximately 9:20 this morning as I sat in the lobby of the Nova Southeastern College of Dentistry awaiting my cavity restoration.
But I should backtrack. I apologize that this story will be lengthy, but the details are necessary to paint the picture. And hey. It's my blog. I can write what I want ;)
It's been years since I had gone to the dentist. I won't tell you how long, you'll judge. But growing up I never had cavities, even when we'd go long periods of time between visits. Given that we didn't have dental insurance until the end of my high school years, my parents didn't see the need to take us multiple times a year when our teeth were in great shape. I don't blame them, it did no harm, but I also have never had the discipline of regularly seeing my dentist the way I do my eye doctor and general physician. Then came college, grad school, internship, moving and starting my new job. It has only been in the last month when I finally began experiencing some pain in a back molar (and realizing I had great dental insurance) that I decided to put on my big girl panties, be a grown up, and get this situation sorted out.
I went to the dentist that my insurance assigned me, and suffice to say I left the office and cried in my car for about five minutes before I could drive home. Multiple cavities in every tooth, necessary braces, wisdom teeth extraction, multiple deep cleanings. I knew I didn't floss as often as I should, but given my perchance for brushing/rinsing twice a day like clockwork I was shocked to know I had let my teeth deteriorate so far.
I'll keep this brief, after praying to God in the parking lot and asking his guidance for how to pay for this ridiculous amount of dental restoration, I headed in to work and buried my feelings, too embarrassed to explain to anyone what had happened. However, I felt a nudge to confide in a co-worker, who quickly informed me that this same dentist had pulled a similar stunt on her. A second opinion revealed she had TWO cavities (not 15 as he told her) and her husband had zero (as opposed to seven). Why I felt the need to speak with her, I will never know, but I knew God was giving me clarity on the situation. I quickly called my insurance, got permission for a second opinion, and made an appointment with the dentist recommended by my friend (who also happened to be based out of the building on campus at my hospital).
My second dentist was amazing, and I highly recommend Town Care Dental for anyone in the Miami area looking for an honest, caring practice. They have many many sites, including some in the fort myers area, central florida, and all along the east coast of Florida, but I can only truly attest to the character of the locations in my area.
Regardless, my (new and current) dentist began recommending treatments to me other than expensive drilling. Nightly flouride treatments to fix the cavities that were barely forming. A mid-range cleaning instead of a deep cleaning (as I had no bone loss). The list went on, and I began to calm as I saw my teeth hypothetically healing in front of me (and my dental bill dropping!) It was later in the appointment, as my mouth trays for the flouride were being fitted, that she came in the room and said "I have an interesting proposition for you."
Long story short, it seems the new CEO of the practice was a dentist with 20+ years of experience who had just moved from California, and was thus required to take the entire certification exam/boards again. Part of these exams involved a practical hands on exam, where the candidate must actually restore the cavity on site. She informed me that my lesion was a perfect example and could be used for this exam. The experience would entail my attending the board exam, allowing him to fill the cavity (After waiting all day) and being paid $1000 in the process. Free cavity filling AND getting paid. I am so there.
Needless to say I took my dentist up on her offer, met the CEO, fell in love (so to speak) with his bed(chair?)-side manner, and agreed to go along with the experience. Fastforward a few weeks, and I found myself sitting in the front lobby of a dental school, waiting for my turn. Nervous of course, as I was about to get my first cavity filling, but excited beyond belief thinking about how this money was going to ease much of my financial burden. Excited that God had found a way to provide for my medical needs. But also with a lot of time to kill. Luckily, I had brought along reading material. Just two days earlier my copy of The Circle Maker (Mark Batterson's newest book) had arrived and something in me clearly knew to hold off reading it until that day. I opened and began to read.
Second Posting
**This is the part you will have to bear with me on, as many months later my copy of Circle Maker is in the possession of a friend who was also in need of a good pick me up/God moment**
Many parts of the book immediately began to resound with me. I read about the author and his experiences stepping back and giving God control. I learned about his friends and colleagues who had taken risks and put themselves out there, trusting God to provide. I began to feel a bit disconcerted. As I was reading a part of me commended my steadfast dedication to tithing (10% pre-tax every single paycheck), and my trust in God's financial savvyness.
But a small voice began to whisper "but do you really give until it hurts? Do you really trust God to provide? Aren't you always giving... but not to the point that you are forced to rely on him to meet your needs"
I brushed the thought aside and kept reading, clearly God was using this very lucrative experience to come to my aid in a time of need. As I read, I came across a passage where the author comments on a time that he and his wife felt God very clearly tell them to give a certain amount of money away, although at the time they were unsure how that would be financially possible. Still they trusted.
"Maybe I'm supposed to give some of this $1000 away"
I brushed the thought aside as quickly as it came, but it returned again, like one of those really obnoxious gnats on a hot day. (You know what I mean. No? Must be a Florida thing).
"Ok God, I'll give some of it away. $100, that's tithing" Feeling really proud of myself at the moment for being so generous, but the thought continued "ok maybe $300, that's a third of it. I'm sure there's someone else who could use that money and that still leaves me with $700. It's a step above just a basic tithe and definitely shows my trust level. You know, maybe God's calling me to give it all away... oh Crap"
For the record, once those thoughts pop into your head, you are screwed. I knew right there and then in that moment that I would always feel guilty if I were too keep the money for myself. I really had no choice BUT to give it away if I wanted some sanity.
But still.I tried to push the thought aside. And kept reading.
And read about how God isn't there for our comfort. He wants us to trust. Started feeling even more guilty as I realized that this $1000, which had at first seemed like God providing for me, was really me taking control of my life into my own hands. Feeling comfortable that I could pay my mounting dental and vision bills without stressing. Getting the sense that God was convicting me of my need to truly trust him
And then God rocked my world.
I have said , over and over and over, that the Lion Book is special. I truly believe that it has a knack for finding people when they most need it. Seriously. The book drops into people's laps at the precise moment that they need to hear those words. Friends laugh when I say these thoughts, although they don't argue. But turns out, I was right.
In Circle Maker (forgive the paraphrase), Batterson gives examples of using prayer circles for his first baby, the Lion Book. He talks about the circles of prayer he and his team prayed around that book. Asking God to give it to people when they need it most. That it would find the ones intended to read it, at the exact moment they were supposed to read.
I broke down into tears. (Oddly no one in the room was concerned. Then again. It was a dental exam). I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking to me in that moment.
I felt confirmed. That my Lion Book experiences were real. And I felt empowered. In that moment, as fear for how I was going to pay my bills began to flood in as I truly considered giving away this seemingly perfect gift, I felt God speak to me.
"Don't you trust that I can find a way to get you through? There is someone else who needs that money. Someone else who does not have the opportunity that you do, and I put you here to get that money for them. Follow through on this for me, put yourself into my hands, and see what I can do."
A name also popped into my head, which I will keep anonymous here. But an acquaintance, whom I knew was suffering more than I. I also knew exactly how to get the money to this person without them knowing the source. Something about that fact made me excited; knowing that I was not getting any glory for this, that God was going to use me to answer someone else's prayers.
So I gave the $1000 away. I cut my losses, thanked God for the gift of a free cavity filling, told a few select friends about the experience, and felt stronger for it. I filed the whole encounter away in my 'crazy God moments box' and figured we were done.
I was wrong.
Almost two months after this experience I was driving to a coffee shop when I got a call from my dad. We were catching up on various things and then he stated "I have something to tell you."
Apparently 25 years ago a good friend started a college fund for myself (and any future kids my parents might have). Due to some issues with paperwork when my parents moved, the government assumed that the account was supposed to be closed and sent my parents a check. My dad informed me that $3000 had been deposited into my bank account that afternoon.
I nearly ran a red light I was so overwhelmed.
And God laughed. Not in derision, but in joy. In amusement at what was surely a hilarious expression on my face. In pride, of how incredibly intricate his plan became. And in love, I'm sure, for being able to show me his power and care in a way that truly taught me a valuable lesson.
Like I said. I have God moments in the weirdest places.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Desire.
I had a God moment tonight.
There is no other way to explain it.
Suffice to say the night was rough. I was left at the other end of a conversation that had me bawling my eyes out. Worried that once again Im one step away from being left in the cold, so heart broken that I don't know how to put the pieces together again. Except this time would be so much worse. Trust me on that one.
I took a shower, utterly confused, praying desperately for a sign from God. Wanting to trust an utter conviction that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to, despite my logical mind telling me otherwise. Trying to ignore that cynical part of my heart stating "you know you don't deserve to find happiness, you're just going to be abandoned again. No guy will ever think you are worth the fight."
So I prayed for a sign. And I waited, and nothing came.
Then I glanced over at my shelf and saw a book "The Journey of Desire: Searching for the life we've only dreamed of" (John Eldredge). A colleague at work has suggested the book a few weeks ago and I had purchased it, but had yet to have time to open the cover. Tonight was different though. It was late, I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it was time to read the book.
The same way I knew I was supposed to be in Orlando last winter. The same way I knew I was supposed to take my job in Miami. The same way I know that I'm in the right field.
Sometimes I just know.
Honestly it reminded me a lot of the experience with my most recent book obsession (the Lion Book). For weeks I had been hearing about this manuscript and knew that I was supposed to read it eventually, but I knew the time wasn't right. Then one day I felt the inner voice saying "Go get that book this very moment." I obliged to my inner bossiness, read the book, and had a life changing revelation a mere three hours before my world fell apart.
The same thing happened with my eHarmony experience. Deep down I've known for years that I was one day going to use that site to find my husband. I just knew in a way that defied reason. I also knew I hadn't reached the right time in my life for that experience. Until one night the timer in my head went off and without a single doubt I completed my profile. One week later I was matched with Curtis.
Maybe its the same way birds know when it's time to fly south for the winter. Maybe its the same way dogs can sense when a storm is coming. Maybe Im overthinking things way too late at night :). Either way, safe to say I have a pretty powerful intuition.
Where was I? Oh yes. My God moment.
It was time to start tackling this book my inner timer told me.
So I began to read. One page after another, interested, with a growing sense that one way or another I was about to get the answer I was looking for (Even if was not the answer I wanted). And then I stumbled on this passage:
I barely got through the first three sentences before the tears started running down my face. Then I read the sentence "Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain" and my world began to change. I felt the tingly warmness over my entire body and began gasping for breath as the sensation became over powering. The tears continued to fall but they didn't control me, rather I simply sat through the mind-numbing realization that I am going to be ok. I have always tried to describe this awareness to others, a recognition that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. I once told an ex that I appreciated my experiences at the hospital because "there is a certain exquisite beauty in pain"; to which he told me I was a sadistic ***** which got my kicks of watching dying children. I really know how to find them huh?
But that message was there. For me. With that one specific phrasing God was telling me that the message in that passage was for me. God doesn't come to me in a burning bush. He doesn't speak in a booming voice, or appear as a mirage. God speaks to me through literature, and not as often as I would like, but sometimes I get that inner stirring of "this is meant for you".
So where does this leave me? Utterly convinced that I am doing the right thing by putting myself out there in all aspects of my life. I am not guaranteed infinite happiness, in fact I know without a doubt I will struggle along the way. But as I once read in a class on death and dying "Everyone chooses a pain, either the pain of loving and losing, or the pain of never loving at all".
Tonight I felt like God was telling me it was ok to choose to try. I don't know what the result will be, I don't know where my happiness lies; but I do know that to deny my inner need to jump all in and experience life to the fullest would be to deny myself. Sure others may not understand it, but that's ok. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'd rather live with the me that I truly am instead of the me that I think others want me to be.
So I continue reaching and I continue fighting with every fiber of my being. At the end of the day, I can live with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could, and the rest is in God's (and other's) hands. I keep being me and stop apologizing for it along the way.
And I hold tight to the conviction that regardless of where the road leads, I am an active participant in my own Journey towards my heart's deepest desires.
There is no other way to explain it.
Suffice to say the night was rough. I was left at the other end of a conversation that had me bawling my eyes out. Worried that once again Im one step away from being left in the cold, so heart broken that I don't know how to put the pieces together again. Except this time would be so much worse. Trust me on that one.
I took a shower, utterly confused, praying desperately for a sign from God. Wanting to trust an utter conviction that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to, despite my logical mind telling me otherwise. Trying to ignore that cynical part of my heart stating "you know you don't deserve to find happiness, you're just going to be abandoned again. No guy will ever think you are worth the fight."
So I prayed for a sign. And I waited, and nothing came.
Then I glanced over at my shelf and saw a book "The Journey of Desire: Searching for the life we've only dreamed of" (John Eldredge). A colleague at work has suggested the book a few weeks ago and I had purchased it, but had yet to have time to open the cover. Tonight was different though. It was late, I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it was time to read the book.
The same way I knew I was supposed to be in Orlando last winter. The same way I knew I was supposed to take my job in Miami. The same way I know that I'm in the right field.
Sometimes I just know.
Honestly it reminded me a lot of the experience with my most recent book obsession (the Lion Book). For weeks I had been hearing about this manuscript and knew that I was supposed to read it eventually, but I knew the time wasn't right. Then one day I felt the inner voice saying "Go get that book this very moment." I obliged to my inner bossiness, read the book, and had a life changing revelation a mere three hours before my world fell apart.
The same thing happened with my eHarmony experience. Deep down I've known for years that I was one day going to use that site to find my husband. I just knew in a way that defied reason. I also knew I hadn't reached the right time in my life for that experience. Until one night the timer in my head went off and without a single doubt I completed my profile. One week later I was matched with Curtis.
Maybe its the same way birds know when it's time to fly south for the winter. Maybe its the same way dogs can sense when a storm is coming. Maybe Im overthinking things way too late at night :). Either way, safe to say I have a pretty powerful intuition.
Where was I? Oh yes. My God moment.
It was time to start tackling this book my inner timer told me.
So I began to read. One page after another, interested, with a growing sense that one way or another I was about to get the answer I was looking for (Even if was not the answer I wanted). And then I stumbled on this passage:
Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt. You already know this., You have retreated from love countless times in your life because of it. We all have. We have been and will be hurt by the loss of loved ones, by what they have done to us and we to them. Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain: the pain of too much beauty, of overwhelming magnificence. Further, no matter how perfect a love may be, it is never really satisfied.. In both joy and pain, love is boundless (The Awakened Heart.... in The Journey of Desire).
I barely got through the first three sentences before the tears started running down my face. Then I read the sentence "Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain" and my world began to change. I felt the tingly warmness over my entire body and began gasping for breath as the sensation became over powering. The tears continued to fall but they didn't control me, rather I simply sat through the mind-numbing realization that I am going to be ok. I have always tried to describe this awareness to others, a recognition that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. I once told an ex that I appreciated my experiences at the hospital because "there is a certain exquisite beauty in pain"; to which he told me I was a sadistic ***** which got my kicks of watching dying children. I really know how to find them huh?
But that message was there. For me. With that one specific phrasing God was telling me that the message in that passage was for me. God doesn't come to me in a burning bush. He doesn't speak in a booming voice, or appear as a mirage. God speaks to me through literature, and not as often as I would like, but sometimes I get that inner stirring of "this is meant for you".
So where does this leave me? Utterly convinced that I am doing the right thing by putting myself out there in all aspects of my life. I am not guaranteed infinite happiness, in fact I know without a doubt I will struggle along the way. But as I once read in a class on death and dying "Everyone chooses a pain, either the pain of loving and losing, or the pain of never loving at all".
Tonight I felt like God was telling me it was ok to choose to try. I don't know what the result will be, I don't know where my happiness lies; but I do know that to deny my inner need to jump all in and experience life to the fullest would be to deny myself. Sure others may not understand it, but that's ok. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'd rather live with the me that I truly am instead of the me that I think others want me to be.
So I continue reaching and I continue fighting with every fiber of my being. At the end of the day, I can live with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could, and the rest is in God's (and other's) hands. I keep being me and stop apologizing for it along the way.
And I hold tight to the conviction that regardless of where the road leads, I am an active participant in my own Journey towards my heart's deepest desires.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
God's Contingency Plan
I started this blog months ago at the suggestion of a few other people (coupled with a intuitive feeling that I was supposed to). I jumped in, wrote a few posts, enjoyed the chance it gave me for reflection and introspection, but then life got busy (i.e. my internship started sucking up my life) and it was easy to throw things on the back burner.
Then I got into that vicious cycle of "I should post. But I need to catch up. I don't feel like tackling a catch up post. I should just put it off. Now I have an even BIGGER catch up post to write. But I should post. But I don't feel like posting. If I had just started blogging when we started this argument I could be done by now. Well look who's getting bossy." What can I say? My mind is a scary place.
But lately I've been feeling that urge again, and after a friend of mine approached me on Sunday and commented "I just thought you should know I truly enjoy reading your blog and I really hope you have time to do it more in the future because your last post really touched me right when I needed it", that was my sign it was time again.
Transparency can be scary. I always juggle the line between opening up enough to get my point across without spilling my guts to an unknown public. I have no qualms with being honest about my thoughts, beliefs, problems, and difficulties, but at a certain point there are some things that should be only discussed in person and not broadcasted to any Jack or Jane with a computer. So this is my latest attempt at an honest, but guarded posting.
Yesterday was a low point for me.
I'm not entirely sure what caused it. Ok that's not entirely true, I have a very good idea at a couple of the contributing factors, but at the same time, the reaction that ensued was not proportional to the preceding events.
Life has been a little rough lately. For those of you not in the loop- I finished my internship on May 6th (at some point I'll try to work on a summary post of everything that happened in rotations 2 and 3... because they were life changing!). After completion, I moved back to my parent's house in SWFL 'for now'. I once went to a leadership conference where they talked about living in transition. It's difficult and it's draining, and it's characterized by the words 'for now'. I'm living here 'for now', I'm doing this 'for now', I'm putting my relationships on the back burner 'for now', I'm taking this job 'for now'. The 'for now' is not purely the domain of college students and emerging adults, many people may face this semi-crisis of faith and life. Going through divorce, dealing with heartbreak, losing your job, battling illness. The heart of the transition period is a heightened level of uncertainty. Uncertainty can be exciting, it opens up the world to many new possibilities, but it can also be frightening, paralyzingly so.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't do well with uncertainty. I'm a control freak, I like knowing what's in front of me, twenty steps down the line. I think this is tendency is a product of both my general nature and the experiences of the last couple of years. I have moved seven times in the last six years. The plus side is I have gotten quite good at meeting new people, establishing myself, learning the ropes. I have my list of places to go and things to do to quickly settle down in a new location. However, it's exhausting to live in a world with deadlines. At a certain point there comes a desire to stop investing in the people and communities around you... because you know that there's an expiration date on the momentary happiness. It's an unfortunate truth that I have trouble letting myself be happy, to enjoy being in the moment, because that voice in the back of my head keeps whispering 'enjoy it while you can, it soon is going to be gone.'
Being in a position where I'm living without my next steps in front of me is frightening. I've been undergoing the job search, and actually had a great site visit with a hospital just last week. I am supposed to find out in the next week or so what their decision is, and the truth is I'm not sure which answer is less frightening.
One the one hand, I'm so ready to have a direction for my life. I'm ready to be able to move somewhere new and feel like I have a purpose again. I've felt so stagnant sitting around waiting for things to happen. The thought that I might get a call in the next few days that says 'thanks but no thanks' terrifies me. I don't want to have to go back to square one; I dread the thought of filling out new applications, explaining to people that i didn't get this job, going back to feeling like I'm treading water with no land in sight. I've been doing all I can to work on my thesis and finish up my masters, but with all the dififculties that have come from there, it truly feels like I have nothing in my life at times.
And yet... as much as I loved visiting that city, I enjoyed meeting new people and visiting with old friends. It would be a challenging position that would certainly stretch me both as a person and a professional. Yet.... the idea of picking up and moving somewhere brand new is scary. Being so far from family and friends, possibly permanently, is not what I saw my life ending up as. I've become more and more aware in the past week of exactly what I'd be giving up to move there and it hurts to think about. It's difficult when you feel like God has given you conflicting desires, two senses of calling that seem incongruent. In fact it makes me angry.
And maybe that's what everything boils down to. Anger at God. An inability to truly trust and believe that he has my best interests at heart. I do all I can to consistently remind myself that I need to have faith. I work on building trust, and trying to believe that God loves me and wants me to get where Im supposed to be even more than I do.
But deep down? Maybe I don't.
I have a few amazing conversations with a couple of friends yesterday. I'm very good at recognizing when I've reached my breaking point and I need the advice of others to get me through a crisis. They were both very different but very helpful in their own ways.
One of them said something that suck with me. "I was just telling 'X' the other day that I feel like you can't catch a break. It hurts me just to hear about half the stuff you're going through because it doesn't seem fair that you keep getting hurt and disappointed over and over."
Right then and there, that was exactly what i needed to hear. Because, obviously for me, it does feel like the crap keeps piling on- and yet I feel guilty for expressing that sentiment. I look around at the problems of others and remind myself that everybody has their issues, everybody has their own heartbreaks, how selfish is it of me to think that I've somehow gotten the short end of the sick? To hear an objective party offer an unsolicited opinion that I have every right to be frustrated with things gave me such a sense of peace.
I've been reading this great book over the last couple of months. I read it for the first time about a month before my internship ended after hearing many other people talk about it over and over. "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day:How to survive and thrive when opportunity roars' by Mark Batterson. In short, I read the entire book in 24 hours the first time around, fairly gobbled it up. Life changing, life affirming, life inspiring. And not 3 hours after I had finished the book and was reveling in a new found glow of confidence in god, my self, and my life direction, I was hit with some devastating news that tested my entire resolve. However, sometimes I think God deliberately puts resources in our life to get us through trying situations. I remember being so angry and crying and lashing out at God "I JUST got to a place that I'm feeling optimistic. You REALLY had to hit me with this tonight?! Why couldn't you have just let me be happy for a day before you felt like testing my resolve." And then I heard a voice, my own in fact, respond with "No, my child, I didn't put this on you because you read the book, I already knew that this would happen today and I wanted to make sure you had the tools and ability to handle it when it came".
I'm not a big believer in burning bushes. I get skeptical of 'hearing' the voice of God. But in that moment, I broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes. Not because of what had happened, but because I knew I would get through anything because God would see me through it.
I've been recently feeling the urge to reread the book. I'll pick it up and read a few pages each night, stopping when I get the sense i'm done, and it's amazing how that works because last night I was right at the section I needed to be reading. Right smack dab in the middle of the chapter titled "Guaranteed uncertainty".
Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:
"I'm convinced that the people God uses the most are often the people who have experienced the most adversity. This isn't necessarily what I want to write, and it isn't necessarily what you want to read, but it's true. Adversity can produce an increased capacity to serve God." (Needless to say I underlined and dated that particular passage last night. My friend had made the comment that she feels like all this adversity in my life has to be leading up to something really big, here's hoping!).
"Benaiah could have run away from the lion. And running away would have reduced uncertainty and increased security. But lion chasers are counterintuitive..... In the short term [chasing lions] increases uncertainty. But in the long term it reduces regrets." (This is the way I have always lived my life. I would rather jump in head first and put my all into something... and then be heartbroken and hurt when things fall apart, rather than live with regret and the wonder of 'what if' the rest of my life. Sure it leads to a lost of sorrow but the book also talks about how rewards are directly proportional to risk.) "The more you're willing to risk, the more God can use you."
"Faith doesn't reduce uncertainty. Faith embraces uncertainty...I believe in planning. I believe in goal setting. But there are some things in life that you can't plan or predict. And that drives the obsessive-compulsive part of us crazy. We want control, but the decision to follow Christ is a relinquishment of control. Following Christ is letting Jesus take the wheel. Of course some of us act like backseat drivers. Or worse yet, we're like little kids that make their parents crazy by asking one question over and over again: Are we there yet?... We never outgrow the desire to know exactly where we're headed and exactly when we'll get there... We're control freaks, but faith involves a loss of control... I used to hate uncertainty, but I'm learning to love it. It is an acquired taste. I am discovering that the greatest moments in life are unscripted. They are unrehearsed and unplanned and unpredictable and that is precisely what makes them unforgettable. Embrace relational uncertainty, it's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty, it's called mystery Embrace occupational uncertainty, it's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty, it's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty, it's called revelation."
God wants you to get where you're supposed to go more than you want to. I love that thought.
Maybe God is like a GPS (not one of those crappy ones that can never find your location and takes ten years to download the route). The destination is programmed and he tells us the steps to take, but sometimes we choose not to go down that path. Because it's scary. Because it seems ridden with heartache. Makes me think of the scene from the movie Beauty and the Beast where the father is faced with a choice between the open happy country side and the dark ominous forest. We chose a different path then the one God set out for us.
And yet... the GPS doesn't give up on us. It blasts for a while "Make a U turn, at the nearest intersection, make a u turn. Turn around, it's not too late, go back to the intended path" And when we stubbornly ignore those signs what does it do? "Recalculating". The GPS takes our present location and direction in account and finds a new route to our final destination.
I like to think that God works that way too. He has this great path in mind, and when we veer off he tries to prod us back, but sometimes we get too far off the beaten path. So he has to direct us in a new fashion... It's going to take longer than the original plan. We may have to make more pit stops, drive through scary parts of town, and spend more money on gas- but eventually we'll get there. God can work around our circumstances in ways we can't begin to understand.
The other friend I talked to last night made a comment about that very fact. She told me "I think God has a lot of contingencies for us. Specifically he has a habit of making sure we have the exact people in our life when we need them. I think you and I were supposed to be friends Bethany. We had a very specific purpose in each other's lives, and we've learned certain things from each other that no one else could have offered. But what if you hadn't come to Wesley? What if we had never met? I think God would have then provided me with someone else to fill that hole. I think God has countless 'people' for us, both friendships and relationships. And maybe he has certain pairings in mind, but we are products of our own choices and he's not going to leave someone hanging because the other half of the equation made different decisions. God's bigger than that. He's going to provide you with exactly who and what you need when the time is right"
And maybe that's the point. Maybe instead of trying to figure out that one perfect job, the one perfect boyfriend, the one perfect house, the one perfect school, the one (or two) perfect friends... we should isntead look around at what God has given us. And trust that when things don't work out the way we had thought it doesn't mean we weren't on the right path. It doesn't mean we did anything wrong, it means that sometimes even God can't control the actions of others around us. I truly believe that sometimes we don't get the exact blessings God had intended for us because either we or others stepped in the way. But that doesn't mean God can provide something entirely different. There's always going to be a Plan B, and Plan C, Plan H... and Plan T.
Sometimes I just don't trust that God has my best interests at heart.It's easy to see the immediate and forget that there's so much ahead of me. "The greatest haphazard to your spiritual health is thinking that your past is haphazard or that your future is left up to chance alone. It is anything but, I can't promise that everything will make sense on the near side of eternity, but that shouldn't shake our confidence, because our confidence isn't contingent upon the character of God. Our circumstances may not make sense, but we know that God is planning His work and working His plan."
"There is nothing easy about taking risks.... But lion chasers have the courage to overcome inaction inertia. Their fear of missing out is greater than their fear of messing up."
So where does this leave me?
With a whole lot of questions and not many answers. But a conviction that something big is coming and the best thing is to stop trying to figure it out before it gets here.
It's a constant daily, hourly... by the minute battle to give things to God. I give it up to him and enjoy the temporary relief... and then drag it back in again because I don't trust him enough to take care of it.
So I pray, and do my best to trust, and just believe that when the time is right the answers will come.
Until then I guess there's always blogging ;)
Then I got into that vicious cycle of "I should post. But I need to catch up. I don't feel like tackling a catch up post. I should just put it off. Now I have an even BIGGER catch up post to write. But I should post. But I don't feel like posting. If I had just started blogging when we started this argument I could be done by now. Well look who's getting bossy." What can I say? My mind is a scary place.
But lately I've been feeling that urge again, and after a friend of mine approached me on Sunday and commented "I just thought you should know I truly enjoy reading your blog and I really hope you have time to do it more in the future because your last post really touched me right when I needed it", that was my sign it was time again.
Transparency can be scary. I always juggle the line between opening up enough to get my point across without spilling my guts to an unknown public. I have no qualms with being honest about my thoughts, beliefs, problems, and difficulties, but at a certain point there are some things that should be only discussed in person and not broadcasted to any Jack or Jane with a computer. So this is my latest attempt at an honest, but guarded posting.
Yesterday was a low point for me.
I'm not entirely sure what caused it. Ok that's not entirely true, I have a very good idea at a couple of the contributing factors, but at the same time, the reaction that ensued was not proportional to the preceding events.
Life has been a little rough lately. For those of you not in the loop- I finished my internship on May 6th (at some point I'll try to work on a summary post of everything that happened in rotations 2 and 3... because they were life changing!). After completion, I moved back to my parent's house in SWFL 'for now'. I once went to a leadership conference where they talked about living in transition. It's difficult and it's draining, and it's characterized by the words 'for now'. I'm living here 'for now', I'm doing this 'for now', I'm putting my relationships on the back burner 'for now', I'm taking this job 'for now'. The 'for now' is not purely the domain of college students and emerging adults, many people may face this semi-crisis of faith and life. Going through divorce, dealing with heartbreak, losing your job, battling illness. The heart of the transition period is a heightened level of uncertainty. Uncertainty can be exciting, it opens up the world to many new possibilities, but it can also be frightening, paralyzingly so.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't do well with uncertainty. I'm a control freak, I like knowing what's in front of me, twenty steps down the line. I think this is tendency is a product of both my general nature and the experiences of the last couple of years. I have moved seven times in the last six years. The plus side is I have gotten quite good at meeting new people, establishing myself, learning the ropes. I have my list of places to go and things to do to quickly settle down in a new location. However, it's exhausting to live in a world with deadlines. At a certain point there comes a desire to stop investing in the people and communities around you... because you know that there's an expiration date on the momentary happiness. It's an unfortunate truth that I have trouble letting myself be happy, to enjoy being in the moment, because that voice in the back of my head keeps whispering 'enjoy it while you can, it soon is going to be gone.'
Being in a position where I'm living without my next steps in front of me is frightening. I've been undergoing the job search, and actually had a great site visit with a hospital just last week. I am supposed to find out in the next week or so what their decision is, and the truth is I'm not sure which answer is less frightening.
One the one hand, I'm so ready to have a direction for my life. I'm ready to be able to move somewhere new and feel like I have a purpose again. I've felt so stagnant sitting around waiting for things to happen. The thought that I might get a call in the next few days that says 'thanks but no thanks' terrifies me. I don't want to have to go back to square one; I dread the thought of filling out new applications, explaining to people that i didn't get this job, going back to feeling like I'm treading water with no land in sight. I've been doing all I can to work on my thesis and finish up my masters, but with all the dififculties that have come from there, it truly feels like I have nothing in my life at times.
And yet... as much as I loved visiting that city, I enjoyed meeting new people and visiting with old friends. It would be a challenging position that would certainly stretch me both as a person and a professional. Yet.... the idea of picking up and moving somewhere brand new is scary. Being so far from family and friends, possibly permanently, is not what I saw my life ending up as. I've become more and more aware in the past week of exactly what I'd be giving up to move there and it hurts to think about. It's difficult when you feel like God has given you conflicting desires, two senses of calling that seem incongruent. In fact it makes me angry.
And maybe that's what everything boils down to. Anger at God. An inability to truly trust and believe that he has my best interests at heart. I do all I can to consistently remind myself that I need to have faith. I work on building trust, and trying to believe that God loves me and wants me to get where Im supposed to be even more than I do.
But deep down? Maybe I don't.
I have a few amazing conversations with a couple of friends yesterday. I'm very good at recognizing when I've reached my breaking point and I need the advice of others to get me through a crisis. They were both very different but very helpful in their own ways.
One of them said something that suck with me. "I was just telling 'X' the other day that I feel like you can't catch a break. It hurts me just to hear about half the stuff you're going through because it doesn't seem fair that you keep getting hurt and disappointed over and over."
Right then and there, that was exactly what i needed to hear. Because, obviously for me, it does feel like the crap keeps piling on- and yet I feel guilty for expressing that sentiment. I look around at the problems of others and remind myself that everybody has their issues, everybody has their own heartbreaks, how selfish is it of me to think that I've somehow gotten the short end of the sick? To hear an objective party offer an unsolicited opinion that I have every right to be frustrated with things gave me such a sense of peace.
I've been reading this great book over the last couple of months. I read it for the first time about a month before my internship ended after hearing many other people talk about it over and over. "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day:How to survive and thrive when opportunity roars' by Mark Batterson. In short, I read the entire book in 24 hours the first time around, fairly gobbled it up. Life changing, life affirming, life inspiring. And not 3 hours after I had finished the book and was reveling in a new found glow of confidence in god, my self, and my life direction, I was hit with some devastating news that tested my entire resolve. However, sometimes I think God deliberately puts resources in our life to get us through trying situations. I remember being so angry and crying and lashing out at God "I JUST got to a place that I'm feeling optimistic. You REALLY had to hit me with this tonight?! Why couldn't you have just let me be happy for a day before you felt like testing my resolve." And then I heard a voice, my own in fact, respond with "No, my child, I didn't put this on you because you read the book, I already knew that this would happen today and I wanted to make sure you had the tools and ability to handle it when it came".
I'm not a big believer in burning bushes. I get skeptical of 'hearing' the voice of God. But in that moment, I broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes. Not because of what had happened, but because I knew I would get through anything because God would see me through it.
I've been recently feeling the urge to reread the book. I'll pick it up and read a few pages each night, stopping when I get the sense i'm done, and it's amazing how that works because last night I was right at the section I needed to be reading. Right smack dab in the middle of the chapter titled "Guaranteed uncertainty".
Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:
"I'm convinced that the people God uses the most are often the people who have experienced the most adversity. This isn't necessarily what I want to write, and it isn't necessarily what you want to read, but it's true. Adversity can produce an increased capacity to serve God." (Needless to say I underlined and dated that particular passage last night. My friend had made the comment that she feels like all this adversity in my life has to be leading up to something really big, here's hoping!).
"Benaiah could have run away from the lion. And running away would have reduced uncertainty and increased security. But lion chasers are counterintuitive..... In the short term [chasing lions] increases uncertainty. But in the long term it reduces regrets." (This is the way I have always lived my life. I would rather jump in head first and put my all into something... and then be heartbroken and hurt when things fall apart, rather than live with regret and the wonder of 'what if' the rest of my life. Sure it leads to a lost of sorrow but the book also talks about how rewards are directly proportional to risk.) "The more you're willing to risk, the more God can use you."
"Faith doesn't reduce uncertainty. Faith embraces uncertainty...I believe in planning. I believe in goal setting. But there are some things in life that you can't plan or predict. And that drives the obsessive-compulsive part of us crazy. We want control, but the decision to follow Christ is a relinquishment of control. Following Christ is letting Jesus take the wheel. Of course some of us act like backseat drivers. Or worse yet, we're like little kids that make their parents crazy by asking one question over and over again: Are we there yet?... We never outgrow the desire to know exactly where we're headed and exactly when we'll get there... We're control freaks, but faith involves a loss of control... I used to hate uncertainty, but I'm learning to love it. It is an acquired taste. I am discovering that the greatest moments in life are unscripted. They are unrehearsed and unplanned and unpredictable and that is precisely what makes them unforgettable. Embrace relational uncertainty, it's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty, it's called mystery Embrace occupational uncertainty, it's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty, it's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty, it's called revelation."
God wants you to get where you're supposed to go more than you want to. I love that thought.
Maybe God is like a GPS (not one of those crappy ones that can never find your location and takes ten years to download the route). The destination is programmed and he tells us the steps to take, but sometimes we choose not to go down that path. Because it's scary. Because it seems ridden with heartache. Makes me think of the scene from the movie Beauty and the Beast where the father is faced with a choice between the open happy country side and the dark ominous forest. We chose a different path then the one God set out for us.
And yet... the GPS doesn't give up on us. It blasts for a while "Make a U turn, at the nearest intersection, make a u turn. Turn around, it's not too late, go back to the intended path" And when we stubbornly ignore those signs what does it do? "Recalculating". The GPS takes our present location and direction in account and finds a new route to our final destination.
I like to think that God works that way too. He has this great path in mind, and when we veer off he tries to prod us back, but sometimes we get too far off the beaten path. So he has to direct us in a new fashion... It's going to take longer than the original plan. We may have to make more pit stops, drive through scary parts of town, and spend more money on gas- but eventually we'll get there. God can work around our circumstances in ways we can't begin to understand.
The other friend I talked to last night made a comment about that very fact. She told me "I think God has a lot of contingencies for us. Specifically he has a habit of making sure we have the exact people in our life when we need them. I think you and I were supposed to be friends Bethany. We had a very specific purpose in each other's lives, and we've learned certain things from each other that no one else could have offered. But what if you hadn't come to Wesley? What if we had never met? I think God would have then provided me with someone else to fill that hole. I think God has countless 'people' for us, both friendships and relationships. And maybe he has certain pairings in mind, but we are products of our own choices and he's not going to leave someone hanging because the other half of the equation made different decisions. God's bigger than that. He's going to provide you with exactly who and what you need when the time is right"
And maybe that's the point. Maybe instead of trying to figure out that one perfect job, the one perfect boyfriend, the one perfect house, the one perfect school, the one (or two) perfect friends... we should isntead look around at what God has given us. And trust that when things don't work out the way we had thought it doesn't mean we weren't on the right path. It doesn't mean we did anything wrong, it means that sometimes even God can't control the actions of others around us. I truly believe that sometimes we don't get the exact blessings God had intended for us because either we or others stepped in the way. But that doesn't mean God can provide something entirely different. There's always going to be a Plan B, and Plan C, Plan H... and Plan T.
Sometimes I just don't trust that God has my best interests at heart.It's easy to see the immediate and forget that there's so much ahead of me. "The greatest haphazard to your spiritual health is thinking that your past is haphazard or that your future is left up to chance alone. It is anything but, I can't promise that everything will make sense on the near side of eternity, but that shouldn't shake our confidence, because our confidence isn't contingent upon the character of God. Our circumstances may not make sense, but we know that God is planning His work and working His plan."
"There is nothing easy about taking risks.... But lion chasers have the courage to overcome inaction inertia. Their fear of missing out is greater than their fear of messing up."
So where does this leave me?
With a whole lot of questions and not many answers. But a conviction that something big is coming and the best thing is to stop trying to figure it out before it gets here.
It's a constant daily, hourly... by the minute battle to give things to God. I give it up to him and enjoy the temporary relief... and then drag it back in again because I don't trust him enough to take care of it.
So I pray, and do my best to trust, and just believe that when the time is right the answers will come.
Until then I guess there's always blogging ;)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Living with Purpose (Part One)
So I started this post about a week ago and then halfway through got distracted and never came back. However, I had this little voice whispering in my ear tonight to come back and finish it- so I'm just going to assume that God needs to tell someone something important, and if he wants to do it through my ramblings, so be it!
One of my missions this year (I hate to use the word resolutions) was to be more deliberate in self-reflection and daily devotion. I know from experience that aiming for very concrete goals such as 'reading the bible daily', 'making sure to pray 20 minutes a day', etc are nearly impossible to maintain consistently without a fail. Typically as soon as I miss a day or two I feel failure and eventually give up on the entire endeavor. Instead this year, particularly as I headed into my internship (a time I recognize as an opportunity for growth and maturation), I wanted to make an effortful attempt to spent time on self-reflection.
In many ways I feel as though I'm at a crossroads with my life. In two months time (Wow, can that be accurate?!) I will be done with the training portion of my career and ready to start searching for employment. In approximately six months time (provided I can get my butt in gear and write) I will have successfully attained my masters and be completely done with schooling, or at least done for this season of my life. The past 6 years have been primarily characterized by a state of transition. I know that a big portion of that blame lies on my own shoulders; it was my own choice to switch school half way through undergrad. I don't regret any choices I have made, and I feel that each place I lived/visited has contributed into making me who I am today. However, in short, I am ready for some stability.
That stability is still several months off, and instead my focus during this last (hopefully) transition period, is in making sure that I am very clear on God's plan for my life. I have been incredibly guilty in the past of not really giving God much say in my plans, or at least doing so in a very controlling manner. I did a similar thing with a patient the other day. We were building a tower out of blocks, and the little girl was not old enough or adept enough to actually do the activity on her own (in her defense she was 2!! lol). So instead, I would let her play with a block or two, putting them where she wanted and then doing the rest of the work on my own, yet still giving her credit for the overall product. Although I did most of the work, I let her have enough control to believe that she was actually in charge, and thus get a sense of mastery and competence. For that patient it was a perfect plan, unfortunately (or rather fortunately for us!), God isn't that naive. It's as if I somehow thought I could fool God into believing I really was letting him dictate the course of my life, while I was simultaneously making all the decisions.
Needless to say that hasn't gotten me very far. Or maybe, God was doing the same thing for me; he has been guiding me where I need to go all along, although doing so in a way that makes me think I'm the one in the driver's seat. I truly do believe that at this point in time I am exactly where I am supposed to be, however I think I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache if I had been willing to accept a little divine counsel along the way. So I'm doing things differently right now. Only took me 24 years of struggle; no one said I was on the fast end of the spiritual learning curve. But as I tell my patients, don't compare yourself to others, you just need to work at your own pace.
Wow that was a long winded-way of prefacing my topic today! One of the ways I have been effortfully focusing on God's purpose in my life is through nightly reading/journaling. Every night, before I go to bed,I take a moment to handwrite in a journal all of my praises and concerns. One of the most difficult things for me to is to really ask God for help. I often feel like my requests are trivial and insiginficant, yet I do think God likes hearing it all, small and large. I love hearing all the details of my friend's lives, even the little things, why wouldn't God feel the same way? So I write it down. Even the simple praises like "I found my car keys", "I had a delicious lunch", "I found a great deal at the store"- I try to make myself focus on all the little joys in my life. The same with my concerns- I write them all down and try to give them to God.
I then have been reading from this book:
I know this book was circulating the Christian community almost 10 years ago, but as I was home over Christmas I saw the book on my sister's shelf and felt an urge to pick it up. Over the past month I've been reading a chapter a night and writing down any particular quotes or ideas that jump out and speak to me. Talk about timing though, God certainly had a plan in this because so many of the nightly topics have perfectly reflected the events/struggles of my day. I thought I'd go through and share a few of the insights I've gathered, because let's face it, it never hurts to remind ourselves over and over again that God cares for us! (Direct quotes from Purpose Driven Life will be marked)
Read the following quote the night after I had received very very very critical and harsh feedback during my first evaluation (and was feeling hopeless, despondent and highly critical of myself): "the truth will us free but often it makes us miserable first. The fear of what we might discover if we honestly face our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial"~PDL
One of my missions this year (I hate to use the word resolutions) was to be more deliberate in self-reflection and daily devotion. I know from experience that aiming for very concrete goals such as 'reading the bible daily', 'making sure to pray 20 minutes a day', etc are nearly impossible to maintain consistently without a fail. Typically as soon as I miss a day or two I feel failure and eventually give up on the entire endeavor. Instead this year, particularly as I headed into my internship (a time I recognize as an opportunity for growth and maturation), I wanted to make an effortful attempt to spent time on self-reflection.
In many ways I feel as though I'm at a crossroads with my life. In two months time (Wow, can that be accurate?!) I will be done with the training portion of my career and ready to start searching for employment. In approximately six months time (provided I can get my butt in gear and write) I will have successfully attained my masters and be completely done with schooling, or at least done for this season of my life. The past 6 years have been primarily characterized by a state of transition. I know that a big portion of that blame lies on my own shoulders; it was my own choice to switch school half way through undergrad. I don't regret any choices I have made, and I feel that each place I lived/visited has contributed into making me who I am today. However, in short, I am ready for some stability.
That stability is still several months off, and instead my focus during this last (hopefully) transition period, is in making sure that I am very clear on God's plan for my life. I have been incredibly guilty in the past of not really giving God much say in my plans, or at least doing so in a very controlling manner. I did a similar thing with a patient the other day. We were building a tower out of blocks, and the little girl was not old enough or adept enough to actually do the activity on her own (in her defense she was 2!! lol). So instead, I would let her play with a block or two, putting them where she wanted and then doing the rest of the work on my own, yet still giving her credit for the overall product. Although I did most of the work, I let her have enough control to believe that she was actually in charge, and thus get a sense of mastery and competence. For that patient it was a perfect plan, unfortunately (or rather fortunately for us!), God isn't that naive. It's as if I somehow thought I could fool God into believing I really was letting him dictate the course of my life, while I was simultaneously making all the decisions.
Needless to say that hasn't gotten me very far. Or maybe, God was doing the same thing for me; he has been guiding me where I need to go all along, although doing so in a way that makes me think I'm the one in the driver's seat. I truly do believe that at this point in time I am exactly where I am supposed to be, however I think I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache if I had been willing to accept a little divine counsel along the way. So I'm doing things differently right now. Only took me 24 years of struggle; no one said I was on the fast end of the spiritual learning curve. But as I tell my patients, don't compare yourself to others, you just need to work at your own pace.
Wow that was a long winded-way of prefacing my topic today! One of the ways I have been effortfully focusing on God's purpose in my life is through nightly reading/journaling. Every night, before I go to bed,I take a moment to handwrite in a journal all of my praises and concerns. One of the most difficult things for me to is to really ask God for help. I often feel like my requests are trivial and insiginficant, yet I do think God likes hearing it all, small and large. I love hearing all the details of my friend's lives, even the little things, why wouldn't God feel the same way? So I write it down. Even the simple praises like "I found my car keys", "I had a delicious lunch", "I found a great deal at the store"- I try to make myself focus on all the little joys in my life. The same with my concerns- I write them all down and try to give them to God.
I then have been reading from this book:
 | ||
| Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren |
I know this book was circulating the Christian community almost 10 years ago, but as I was home over Christmas I saw the book on my sister's shelf and felt an urge to pick it up. Over the past month I've been reading a chapter a night and writing down any particular quotes or ideas that jump out and speak to me. Talk about timing though, God certainly had a plan in this because so many of the nightly topics have perfectly reflected the events/struggles of my day. I thought I'd go through and share a few of the insights I've gathered, because let's face it, it never hurts to remind ourselves over and over again that God cares for us! (Direct quotes from Purpose Driven Life will be marked)
"While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children"~PDL
Jealousy and envy will get you no where. If you want the life and happiness others have you must be willing to emulate their efforts and sacrifices A fulfilled life does not come without work.
"Those who follow the crowd eventually get lost in it"~PDL
"God wants us to pass the test, so he gave us the questions in advance"~PDL
"The way you see your life shapes your life"~PDL
Sometimes what we view as our greatest weakness or character flaw is actually a unique gift from God. For example, I beat myself up for getting overly emotionally involved with my life, however that trait is also what makes me so adept at forming strong therapeutic relationships with my patients and families. Likewise, my anxiety issues force me to be meticulous and thorough in everything I do.
"Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary"-PDL. For the record, this was in my nightly reading the day that I found out I might lose my internship unless I was granted a miracle.
"When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. The more you meditate on God's word, the les syou will have to worry about."~PDL
"Time is your most precious gift, because you only have a set amount of it"~PDL
"Pride builds walls between people, humility builds bridges.. Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less"~PDL
Read the following quote the night after I had received very very very critical and harsh feedback during my first evaluation (and was feeling hopeless, despondent and highly critical of myself): "the truth will us free but often it makes us miserable first. The fear of what we might discover if we honestly face our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial"~PDL
"We can measure our servants heart by how we respond when others treat us like servants"~ PDL This came on a day that I had issues with superiors/other colleagues treating me like as though I was worthless.
--------
I want to post tomorrow and really reflect on the past four weeks as I have now completed my first rotation, but I will say that it has been challenging in ways I had never expected. I can physically observe the changes in myself, both external and internal, and it has been amazing to watch the transformation. I will say that one of the best compliments I received during my final evaluation for Rotation One was that I am truly gifted in self-reflection. My preceptor told me how impressed she's been with my ability to accurately self-evaluate and my willingness to really dive into my own character flaws and deficiencies. My desire to improve and become a better person AND a better child life specialist is readily apparent and makes me a great student to work with. I think hearing that made me happier than if she had told me I had been perfect in all our clinical work!
(To be continued)
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