The Story of April.. revisited (A new story)

A year ago I told you a story. A story of the month of April, it's highs and lows, heartbreaks and joys. A time when God grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me a few times, and started guiding me along a path. At the time I had no idea where the path was leading, how long it would take to travel, or even why I was asked to walk. Yet, I went along.

I blogged a great deal about the problems, but there were many pieces of the puzzle I withheld. Most of my reasoning was logical and sound, as I hope you'll agree, but there was also a very tangible element involved: fear. It's a dynamic of which's grip I have not quite escaped, and truthfully, it is still a bit early in the game for me to safely share the background details. However, God has made it clear that instead of shying away from the fire, I am asked to go through it. Here goes.

Depression Lies... and it's a big bully

** Disclaimer- although I DO have a B.S.. in psychology and M.S. in child development and family relations, with graduate work in clinical psychology, I am NOT a licensed therapist, and the opinions below are my own. If you are suffering from any type of mental health issue, please seek out professional help, there is hope of a better tomorrow, I promise**

There's a dirty little secret about long-term depression that only people who have suffered will understand:

It never completely goes away.

Source

Riding out the storm: Week Two

Post Seven in this series.


(Facebook status from April 10):

Update on Lilly: i apologize if this message is disjointed. We have been without internet for a week which means i am trying to write this on my phone. things have been... Crazy over the past week. On Sunday she rapidly declined out of no where and upon examination at the vet we discovered her gi system has begun to shut down due to the antibiotic. The whole visit with the vet was an incredible God moment that i am still processing, and at some point I'll write about. Needless to say, i know God orchestrated that meeting for his good. The vet gave me a new plan of care along with his personal cell, and has been in daily contact with me monitoring her progress. Lilly seemed to bounce back a bit with the help of her new meds, new diet, and tummy massage multiple times a day, however tonight she began to show signs of extreme illness again. If things have not resolved by morning we will be again visiting our good friend dr bo at country club animal hospital. Please pray she again begins eating and drinking on her own, and that her urine production and bowel movements regulate. I have not a single doubt it was the power of prayer last week that got her through, so I'm calling on it again. There was a great quote from our sermon Sunday, it was a quote from a guy writing about turning his cancer to a blessing. He said "you will waste your cancer if you find comfort from the odds instead of from God". This has been my mantra over the past few days. The odds have been against us since day one, but by the grace of God she has continued on. I really believe deep down that his will will prevail in the end. If that means i lose her i Will be devastated of course, but i will choose to believe there still was a purpose in this all. So prayers for her health and my sanity are appreciated. If nothing else i have a whole new level of respect for my parents at work. If things are this hard for me with a pet, i can't imagine how heartwrenching it is for a parent to make these decisions about their child. I love you all, and promise to be a better friend as soon as the crisis resolves

You will waste your suffering if...

This post (part of this series) was written on Sunday, April 7, after a vet visit that significantly impacted how I view suffering. The original article was talked about in a church sermon that morning, and while the pastor only touched on a few of the topics I was inspired to read the entire selection. In doing so I felt God asking me to process my experiences and use it as a framework for reflecting on what I had learned (At that point).

Although there is much I could add to my musings (in the two weeks since it's original conception), I've chosen to leave it in the original form. Part of this process has been documenting my reactions in real time (or as close as I can get). It's important to me not to fast forward through the growth process, and to recognize each step along the way.

Telling the story of April: An intro

"Everyone can tell when they are in a 'bad time' in life, but why is it we never know the 'good times' until we are out of them?"

A thought from a conversation I had with a great friend about two years ago. I decided then and there that I would make a concerted effort to notice those times, to appreciate them. To recognize that things will never be 'perfect' but to choose to ignore the frustrations and enjoy the overwhelming good.

18 months ago I had such a moment; I was driving in the evening in Miami, don't ask where, I don't remember. What I do remember: driving with the windows down in my new car, a car provided to me by God when my previous car had finally crapped out on me. I had a car I could afford and could trust (At the time!) to get me from point a to b, in a new city, with a full time job, enjoying the beautiful weather and  this song came on the radio:

In that moment I knew things were going well; for once I could recognize that for that moment in time, life was ok. That song then took on new meaning for me as I counted my blessings. Every time I hear it now, I remember how I felt in that moment. And in subsequent weeks when the 'good' was gone, when the cycle restarted and I was almost crushed by stress, I had the pleasure of knowing I appreciate the 'good'.

That song came on the radio again today, and for the moment, I choose to enjoy the peace.

An unintentional hiatus

Lack of internet at my house for over a week = Bethany's inability to post. Bear with me

Big, crazy, and stressful things happening on this side of the screen, and I have about five posts either written or written in my mind, but until we have the connection at home, posting will have to wait.

In the meantime, here is a quote from a devotional from work today that really impacted me. It was written by one of our chaplains, Jessie:

Are you currently waiting for the Lord to intervene in some way in your life... One of the struggles we face as Chrisians is trying to understand why our heavenly Father sometimes delays over matters that are so urgent to us... Release your expectations into His hands. The lord is working on our behalf, but sometimes we cling so tightly to a desired outcome that He must wait until we open our hands and let go of our expectations. We need to remember that while we are waiting, God is working. He sees the entire picture and is active behind the scenes, arranging everything according to his will. But perhaps his most important work is the deepening of our relationship with HIm as we learn to love and trust Him in the wait.

Also- if you could say a prayer for my rabbit, Lilly. On top of everything else, I have been dealing with one health crisis after another with her. I am well aware that God is using the situation to teach me, but it's exhausting to keep taking steps backwards after we make giant leaps forward. In the midst of all my other craziness, having her has been such a source of comfort and peace. Prayer has worked miracles so far (major blog post coming soon about it), so I know that it can keep us moving forward. So if you could say a prayer for me and my sanity, as well as her and her health, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thoughts on Prayer Part Two: Or the start of the "Positivity Project"

When God closes a door sometimes there seems to be no real reason 'why', and all we can do is trust it was because there was something scary on the other side we hadn't yet seen... like a rabid dog, or a serial killer.

Source

I had a major setback today.

Once again, details shouldn't, and won't, be discussed on an open public forum, but needless to say something I have been praying over, had friends praying over, hit a major roadblock.

It's been difficult... and life affirming all at the same time.

 I should back up

A tribute

I apologize for this stream of conscious post. I am deliberately not re-reading and editing. It is what it is, because that is what I need it to be. Unhampered by grammatical and societal expectations. A simple pouring out of my heart as I grieve and process.



We lost a patient this week.


I had a million and one posts to write. Updates on different adventures, funny happenings.

And then I lost a patient.



It's not the first time Ive worked with a bereaved family, in fact, this isn't even the most tragic situation I've worked.

But it hurts more.



We talk a lot about professional boundaries in my field, trying to find a line between building therapeutic relationships and forming unhealthy attachments. It's easy in most cases; we know where our job ends and entanglement begins, and we don't cross it.

It's harder with long term patients. Harder when we go through the journey with them, when we become invested in their future.

This young lady I knew since day one of her treatment. I was by her side for any number of heartbreaking experiences, as well as some truly happy memories. I did education when she was first diagnosed, I accompanied her to surgery when her family wasn't around, I sat and colored with her when she was alone and scared. We knew this day would come, especially when tests came back not positive a few weeks ago, but none of us ever dreamed the end would come so quick.



She passed away, at home, with her loved ones, and I can only guess the rest of us would hope the same.

And I hurt, more than any of the other passings I've worked, because this one IS different. She became a friend.

I wouldn't change one bit of it. I maintained my professional boundaries, but I still grew to care for her immensely. Yet, I do not see how I could have possibly managed to do my job without building that relationship.

We choose pain, the pain of having loved and lost or the pain of never having loved at all.

We choose pain, but it seems to me that the former is what gives life it's meaning. My life is richer because of this young lady, and as sorrowful as I am in the moment, I will cherish the time we spent together, forever value the lessons she taught me.



I'm going to a funeral tomorrow night. The first patient funeral I have ever attended. It will be hard, this I know, but I also have no doubt it will be needed. I started this journey with her, and now it is time to end it. Because her pain is gone now, her struggle is complete. She didn't lose her battle to cancer, she overcame it.



So for tonight, I will be sad, and not apologize. For tonight, I will be grateful that I have a job that allows me to reach out to those who are scared and in pain. I will be thankful that I have such a supportive, loving family, and I will enjoy the time I have with my friends. I will live my life without guilt, because the time we have is a gift. I will remember that even when it feels like Im spinning my wheels. I am still slowly building my purpose with my patients. I will remember that I am NOT perfect, but I do not need to be. It is unnecessary to beat myself up over my flaws, but to instead embrace them.

I will stop fighting for, and chasing after, the things and people who are just out of reach. I will appreciate those who love and care for me. I will never give up hope that life can be a bit better.


Tonight I will appreciate, and tomorrow... and the next tomorrow... and the next, I will remember, my sweet patient, with the beautiful face, the appreciation of coloring, the obsession with Pixar movies, who never let her circumstances define her.

Post Wisdom Teeth

It's been a really rough weekend. Luckily my wisdom teeth extraction went...relatively well. Relatively well as in the sedation medications didn't work as planned, and my one tooth had three roots instead of two (with the third not wanting to come out at all). But I've been in pain, I've been miserable, and I've gotten a string of seemingly bad news. To combat the self-pity that is slowly creeping into my stream of consciousness, here are the things that make the glass half full:

1)My family. Seriously. They rock. I know that everyone thinks they have awesome parents, but mine are truly spectacular. My dad got up super early to drive over and be there before my surgery. Because of some delays, he ended up sprinting through ten flights of stairs to get there in time. He then continued to stay by my side the next 24 hours, running errands, picking up soup, calling the doctor when I was curled up on the bathroom floor vomiting for four hours. Writing his sermon while sitting in the bed next to me so he could make sure I was alright. A friend of the family told me that she has always been impressed with how much my mom and dad love their three children. Between my dad's presence, and my mom's constant calls and emotional support, and my grandparents letting me stay with them and taking care of me...  I am truly blessed.

2) Insurance. I may not always love my situation in life,but I am thankful for the wonderful benefits I get through work. My surgery, which should have been almost $5000 ended up being only $530 out of pocket. When I was so sick I couldn't even keep the pain medications down, the medications prescribed were available to me for $10, not $120. I am so very aware with my job how often people have to go without their healthcare for financial reasons. I am not rich, I am not even always 'comfortable', but I can afford to take care of my  health, and for that I am grateful.

3) Friends. The number of people who have called, texted, visited, brought soup, is mind boggling. I am blessed with not just a high quantity of peers, but great quality as well. I've always said the best snapshot of a person's character is in the people they call friends. If that's true, I must be a phenomenal person; I am surrounded by such individuals of character, kindness and love. That they call me friend in return is such a blessing. Seriously guys, I love you.

4)Decent Recovery. Sure I've had my share of pain and misery. But no swelling. Not a bit. 30 hours after surgery I felt well enough to go hang out with friends at a local sports bar to watch a football game (no drinking obviously!). Aside from one swollen tooth, I have felt well enough to (cautiously) eat real food. I ended up taking the day off from work because physically I was still weary (and unable to talk!!), but given the horror stories with which I was presented before hand, my body ha served me well.

5) Lilly. She drives me crazy most of the time- but the truth is I love that insanely wild bundle of fur and she has been awesome to cuddle up with when I was feeling my worst.

God Hates the Gays: The church, homosexuality, and problems with the modern religion. (Part One)

Disclaimer: I debated long and hard about writing this post. I tend to keep my mouth shut on many 'social' religious issues, because no matter what I say I'm going to make someone mad. Conservatives Christians: because I'm too liberal and don't give the Bible enough credit. Non religious folks : because I give the Bible ANY credit. English and Philosophy Majors: because my arguments always have holes (and grammatical errors) in them. But this post wouldn't leave me alone. I have to write it. I'm going to say up front: you don't have to agree with me. In fact, you are welcome to think I am wrong. HOWEVER, if you DO think I'm an idiot, please refrain from trying to convert or change my mind, from belittling me, and from judging my character based on a hurridly written blog post.

Source

In case you are unaware, the 2012 United Methodist General Conference is meeting in Tampa Florida this week. For those of you who do not have an entire section of your brain burdened blessed with a complex knowledge of the innerworkings of the Methodist Church here is a brief breakdown:


The local church is overseen by an appointed pastor who is assigned to his charge one year at a time.  All of the churches (and ministries such as campus ministry) in a regional area are grouped together as a "district" and overseen by a district superintendent.  The districts of a larger area (typically as a whole state, or part of a state) are grouped into finite conferences. For instance, the majority of Florida serves as the "Florida Conference"; however some smaller states may be grouped together, while other states (such as North Carolina) are broken up into two conferences. Each conference is primarily sovereign and overseen by a "Bishop". These conferences each hold annual meetings to discuss pertinent issues, assign pastors to new charges, work on overseas ministries, etc. 

The Methodist church as a whole is encompassed in the greater United Methodist Church Every four years each conference elects delegates to attend the General Conference. The Methodist Church is governed by the Book of Discipline although each conference has it's own set of rules that coordinate with the BOD . Every four years at General Conference different conferences can petition for changes in the BOD. The attending delegates discuss, debate, and ultimately vote on how to address these changes. Sometimes they are dismissed, sometimes the BOD is actually rewritten. This is how the church adapts to meet the needs of its people in modern times.


Wow long winded.


Tomorrow marks the conference vote on the Methodist Church's stance on homosexuality. I won't get into all the details, but this has been a long debated topic in our church... in every church. (and yes despite my personal issues with organized religion, and my current affiliation with a presbyterian church, I apparently DO consider myself a Methodist). Essentially, several conferences are petitioning to remove condemnation in our book of discipline to reflect the conflicted nature of the church, and to readdress the current ban on ordination for non-celibate gay ministers (and ban on performing same-sex marriages). 

It's an interesting topic, and one I've avoided coming out (hah pun intended!) officially as either pro or con on.

Source

I grew up in a Christian Community. A very open, loving, and welcoming community, but one with fairly conservative values. I was taught (by my family, my church, my teachers), that homosexuality itself is wrong, but that we should still love everyone. "Hate the sin, Love the sinner" mentality.

It's a great mentality to have, it truly is great. None of us are perfect; we all have flaws. If we are going to ostracize a group of individuals by one choice they make, to define them entirely by a single flaw, then we have to turn that thought process on ourselves. We all make mistakes. We all have behaviors we continue to engage in even though we may know they are wrong. My problem with this thought though is that more and more as I aged I began to question the designation of "sin".

Why is homosexuality such a problem? Why are we so quick to chastise people for these behaviors.

 What the Bible says (and doesnt say about homosexuality) 

An individual posted this article on the conference webpage and I found it highly intriguing. If you haven't had a chance to read it, I hope you will. NOT because I am trying to change people's minds or force my agenda, but because I believe the only way we can truly know our mind on a topic is to study all sides of the discussion. If you read this article and find issues with the logic and thought process, ok. I just hope you will keep an open mind.

But back to my question. Why do we take the topic so personally?! How does the behaviors of an individual in the bedroom with another consenting adult affect us. Why do we get so defensive about promoting our own beliefs on the topic (either way)?

Another pastor's daughter... who kissed a girl and liked it? ;)

In my experience (25 years as the daughter of an ordained (and soon to be Ph.D) clergy member), people take their faith very seriously. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, the concept of religion provides a significant foundation for a person's identity. Even those who dismiss belief in God are defined by THAT fact; I've met many an atheist who has become very angry and defensive when someone talks to them about God.

God (or lack there of ) defines us. Perhaps my next blog topic will be a discussion on my personal theories regarding organized religion, and the need to apply concrete rules and thoughts to an abstract and intangible topic. But regardless, criticizing an individual's faith is to demean that person's entire being. Unfortunately, many of these social topics have become heavily influenced by religious (or secular) thought. When the beliefs that abortion is wrong, homosexuals are going to hell, and birth control is immoral become entwined in one's concept of God, suddenly the private life of another DOES become personal.

So where am I going with all of this?

People take their religious beliefs seriously. With the upcoming vote on the Methodist Church's stance I have seen the best and worst in my fellow Christians. My thought process keeps coming back to this one thought:

Why is our purpose so focused on telling people what they are doing wrong with their lives instead of sharing with them the love of Christ?!

We have become so intent on spelling out all of the reasons people won't go to heaven instead of telling them the reason that they can!! What is wrong with this picture? How can we possibly look at a person and condemn them to an eternity of misery and pain based off one lifestyle choice. I certainly hope God is not so blindsighted when he looks at me to focus in on my perchance for gossiping, or my temper, or my condescending attitude, and think "wow... this girl so does not deserve heaven."

Because I don't. And neither do you. None of us DESERVE anything. We are given it because God is love. It is about his love for us, THAT is the message of the gospel. In my opinion, this obsession with homosexuality, with abortion, with ANY social issue, is just masking our true purpose. God didn't come to condemn. He came to save. (John 3:17).

Source

I am going to stop this post here, as my brain is slowly turning to mush after a very, very long day. Rest assured, there will be a part two, and maybe three; continuation of this thought as I hammer out my own personal beliefs. In my experience, God won't let me rest until I've given this topic its due focus. However, I'd like to end with an excerpt from an email (and fb posting) to a friend who had messaged me, quite concerned about my beliefs on homosexuality:

But in essence, I have to ask... why does it concern you what they desire? If their homosexual beliefs are distressing to them, something they wish to shed, then absolutely seek treatment! I would say the same to any heterosexual struggling with their sexuality and expressions there of. However, for someone in a committed, happy, monogomous relaitonship with a person of the same sex? Why does it matter to you? How does it have any impact on YOUR life? Because you don't think God can save them? We all sin. All of us. Every single day. I believe God doesn't care so much about the issues we make to be such a big deal as we do. In my experience, God wants us to be fulfilled, and content, in a life with relationship through him. Unfortunately modern organized religion, and our well-meaning, but often misguided, attempts to change people to make their lives more "moral" push people away. People equate God relationships with Chrisitanity and because they can't 'buy' into the doctrine that we pound into their heads, they assume that means there is no room for spirituality in their lives.

My point in posting was to present an interesting take on a very controversial issue, and to remind people that our two greatest commandments are to love God and to love each other. I personally think we spend too much time trying to understand the rules and regulations and teaching others how to behave (or how not to behave) and WAY too little time on sharing God's great love. THAT is the message of the gospel. That despite (all of) our sins and mistakes, God still cherishes us and was willing to do whatever it took to prove it. After we've got that part straight... THEN we can take the time to figure the rest of it out. You don't have to agree with it, but all I have to say is regardless of whether or not you believe homosexuality is wrong, God calls us to love ALL his children. Not just the ones we like; not just the ones who believe the same things we believe. None of us are perfect, and it's time the church (universally, across denominations) starts sharing that love instead of using it condemn and belittle each other. John 3:17.

God's Contingency Plan

I started this blog months ago at the suggestion of a few other people (coupled with a intuitive feeling that I was supposed to). I jumped in, wrote a few posts, enjoyed the chance it gave me for reflection and introspection, but then life got busy (i.e. my internship started sucking up my life) and it was easy to throw things on the back burner.

Then I got into that vicious cycle of "I should post. But I need to catch up. I don't feel like tackling a catch up post. I should just put it off. Now I have an even BIGGER catch up post to write. But I should post. But I don't feel like posting. If I had just started blogging when we started this argument I could be done by now. Well look who's getting bossy." What can I say? My mind is a scary place.

But lately I've been feeling that urge again, and after a friend of mine approached me on Sunday and commented "I just thought you should know I truly enjoy reading your blog and I really hope you have time to do it more in the future because your last post really touched me right when  I needed it", that was my sign it was time again.

Transparency can be scary. I always juggle the line between opening up enough to get my point across without spilling my guts to an unknown public. I have no qualms with being honest about my thoughts, beliefs, problems, and difficulties, but at a certain point there are some things that should be only discussed in person and not broadcasted to any Jack or Jane with a computer. So this is my latest attempt at an honest, but guarded posting.

Yesterday was a low point for me.

I'm not entirely sure what caused it. Ok that's not entirely true, I have a very good idea at a couple of the contributing factors, but at the same time, the reaction that ensued was not proportional to the preceding events.

Life has been a little rough lately. For those of you not in the loop- I finished my internship on May 6th (at some point I'll try to work on a summary post of everything that happened in rotations 2 and 3... because they were life changing!). After completion, I moved back to my parent's house in SWFL 'for now'. I once went to a leadership conference where they talked about living in transition. It's difficult and it's draining, and it's characterized by the words 'for now'. I'm living here 'for now', I'm doing this 'for now', I'm putting my relationships on the back burner 'for now', I'm taking this job 'for now'. The 'for now' is not purely the domain of college students and emerging adults, many people may face this semi-crisis of faith and life. Going through divorce, dealing with heartbreak, losing your job, battling illness. The heart of the transition period is a heightened level of uncertainty. Uncertainty can be exciting, it opens up the world to many new possibilities, but it can also be frightening, paralyzingly so.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't do well with uncertainty. I'm a control freak, I like knowing what's in front of me, twenty steps down the line. I think this is tendency is a product of both my general nature and the experiences of the last couple of years. I have moved seven times in the last six years. The plus side is I have gotten quite good at meeting new people, establishing myself, learning the ropes. I have my list of places to go and things to do to quickly settle down in a new location. However, it's exhausting to live in a world with deadlines. At a certain point there comes a desire to stop investing in the people and communities around you... because you know that there's an expiration date on the momentary happiness. It's an unfortunate truth that I have trouble letting myself be happy, to enjoy being in the moment, because that voice in the back of my head keeps whispering 'enjoy it while you can, it soon is going to be gone.'

Being in a position where I'm living without my next steps in front of me is frightening. I've been undergoing the job search, and actually had a great site visit with a hospital just last week. I am supposed to find out in the next week or so what their decision is, and the truth is I'm not sure which answer is less frightening.

One the one hand, I'm so ready to have a direction for my life. I'm ready to be able to move somewhere new and feel like I have a purpose again. I've felt so stagnant sitting around waiting for things to happen. The thought that I might get a call in the next few days that says 'thanks but no thanks' terrifies me. I don't want to have to go back to square one; I dread the thought of filling out new applications, explaining to people that i didn't get this job, going back to feeling like I'm treading water with no land in sight. I've been doing all I can to work on my thesis and finish up my masters, but with all the dififculties that have come from there, it truly feels like I have nothing in my life at times.

And yet... as much as I loved visiting that city, I enjoyed meeting new people and visiting with old friends. It would be a challenging position that would certainly stretch me both as a person and a professional. Yet.... the idea of picking up and moving somewhere brand new is scary. Being so far from family and friends, possibly permanently, is not what I saw my life ending up as. I've become more and more aware in the past week of exactly what I'd be giving up to move there and it hurts to think about. It's difficult when  you feel like God has given you conflicting desires, two senses of calling that seem incongruent. In fact it makes me angry.

And maybe that's what everything boils down to. Anger at God. An inability to truly trust and believe that he has my best interests at heart. I do all I can to consistently remind myself that I need to have faith. I work on building trust, and trying to believe that God loves me and wants me to get where Im supposed to be even more than I do.

But deep down? Maybe I don't.

I have a few amazing conversations with a couple of friends yesterday. I'm very good at recognizing when I've reached my breaking point and I need the advice of others to get me through a crisis. They were both very different but very helpful in their own ways.

One of them said something that suck with me. "I was just telling 'X' the other day that I feel like you can't catch a break. It hurts me just to hear about half the stuff you're going through because it doesn't seem fair that you keep getting hurt and disappointed over and over."

Right then and there, that was exactly what i needed to hear. Because, obviously for me, it does feel like the crap keeps piling on- and yet I feel guilty for expressing that sentiment. I look around at the problems of others and remind myself that everybody has their issues, everybody has their own heartbreaks, how selfish is it of me to think that I've somehow gotten the short end of the sick? To hear an objective party offer an unsolicited opinion that I have every right to be frustrated with things gave me such a sense of peace.

I've been reading this great book over the last couple of months. I read it for the first time about a month before my internship ended after hearing many other people talk about it over and over. "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day:How to survive and thrive when opportunity roars' by Mark Batterson. In short, I read the entire book in 24 hours the first time around, fairly gobbled it up. Life changing, life affirming, life inspiring. And not 3 hours after I had finished the book and was reveling in a new found glow of confidence in god, my self, and my life direction, I was hit with some devastating news that tested my entire resolve. However, sometimes I think God deliberately puts resources in our life to get us through trying situations. I remember being so angry and crying and lashing out at God "I JUST got to a place that I'm feeling optimistic. You REALLY had to hit me with this tonight?! Why couldn't you have just let me be happy for a day before you felt like testing my resolve." And then I heard a voice, my own in fact, respond with "No, my child, I didn't put this on you because you read the book, I already knew that this would happen today and I wanted to make sure you had the tools and ability to handle it when it came".

I'm not a big believer in burning bushes. I get skeptical of 'hearing' the voice of God. But in that moment, I broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes. Not because of what had happened, but because I knew I would get through anything because God would see me through it.

I've been recently feeling the urge to reread the book. I'll pick it up and read a few pages each night, stopping when I get the sense i'm done, and it's amazing how that works because last night I was right at the section I needed to be reading. Right smack dab in the middle of the chapter titled "Guaranteed uncertainty".

Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:

"I'm convinced that the people God uses the most are often the people who have experienced the most adversity. This isn't necessarily what I want to write, and it isn't necessarily what you want to read, but it's true. Adversity can produce an increased capacity to serve God." (Needless to say I underlined and dated that particular passage last night. My friend had made the comment that she feels like all this adversity in my life has to be leading up to something really big, here's hoping!).

"Benaiah could have run away from the lion. And running away would have reduced uncertainty and increased security. But lion chasers are counterintuitive..... In the short term [chasing lions] increases uncertainty. But in the long term it reduces regrets." (This is the way I have always lived my life. I would rather jump in head first and put my all into something... and then be heartbroken and hurt when things fall apart, rather than live with regret and the wonder  of 'what if' the rest of my life. Sure it leads to a lost of sorrow but the book also talks about how rewards are directly proportional to risk.) "The more you're willing to risk, the more God can use you."

"Faith doesn't reduce uncertainty. Faith embraces uncertainty...I believe in planning. I believe in goal setting. But there are some things in life that you can't plan or predict. And that drives the obsessive-compulsive part of us crazy. We want control, but the decision to follow Christ is a relinquishment of control. Following Christ is letting Jesus take the wheel. Of course some of us act like backseat drivers. Or worse yet, we're like little kids that make their parents crazy by asking one question over and over again: Are we there yet?... We never outgrow the desire to know exactly where we're headed and exactly when we'll get there... We're control freaks, but faith involves a loss of control... I used to hate uncertainty, but I'm learning to love it. It is an acquired taste. I am discovering that the greatest moments in life are unscripted. They are unrehearsed and unplanned and unpredictable and that is precisely what makes them unforgettable.  Embrace relational uncertainty, it's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty, it's called mystery Embrace occupational uncertainty, it's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty, it's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty, it's called revelation."

God wants you to get where you're supposed to go more than you want to. I love that thought.

Maybe God is like a GPS (not one of those crappy ones that can never find your location and takes ten years to download the route). The destination is programmed and he tells us the steps to take, but sometimes we choose not to go down that path. Because it's scary. Because it seems ridden with heartache. Makes me think of the scene from the movie Beauty and the Beast where the father is faced with a choice between the open happy country side and the dark ominous forest. We chose a different path then the one God set out for us.

And yet... the GPS doesn't give up on us. It blasts for a while "Make a U turn, at the nearest intersection, make a u turn. Turn around, it's not too late, go back to the intended path" And when we stubbornly ignore those signs what does it do? "Recalculating". The GPS takes our present location and direction in account and finds a new route to our final destination.

I like to think that God works that way too. He has this great path in mind, and when we veer off he tries to prod us back, but sometimes we get too far off the beaten path. So he has to direct us in a new fashion... It's going to take longer than the original plan. We may have to make more pit stops, drive through scary parts of town, and spend more money on gas- but eventually we'll get there. God can work around our circumstances in ways we can't begin to understand.

The other friend I talked to last night made a comment about that very fact. She told me "I think God has a lot of contingencies for us. Specifically he has a habit of making sure we have the exact people in our life when we need them. I think you and I were supposed to be friends Bethany. We had a very specific purpose in each other's lives, and we've learned certain things from each other that no one else could have offered. But what if you hadn't come to Wesley? What if we had never met? I think God would have then provided me with someone else to fill that hole. I think God has countless 'people' for us, both friendships and relationships. And maybe he has certain pairings in mind, but we are products of our own choices and he's not going to leave someone hanging because the other half of the equation made different decisions. God's bigger than that. He's going to provide you with exactly who and what you need when the time is right"


And maybe that's the point. Maybe instead of trying to figure out that one perfect job, the one perfect boyfriend, the one perfect house, the one perfect school, the one (or two) perfect friends... we should isntead look around at what God has given us. And trust that when things don't work out the way we had thought it doesn't mean we weren't on the right path. It doesn't mean we did anything wrong, it means that sometimes even God can't control the actions of others around us. I truly believe that sometimes we don't get the exact blessings God had intended for us because either we or others stepped in the way. But that doesn't mean God can provide something entirely different. There's always going to be a Plan B, and Plan C, Plan H... and Plan T.

Sometimes I just don't trust that God has my best interests at heart.It's easy to see the immediate and forget that there's so much ahead of me. "The greatest haphazard to your spiritual health is thinking that your past is haphazard or that your future is left up to chance alone. It is anything but, I can't promise that everything will make sense on the near side of eternity, but that shouldn't shake our confidence, because our confidence isn't contingent upon the character of God. Our circumstances may not make sense, but we know that God is planning His work and working His plan."

"There is nothing easy about taking risks.... But lion chasers have the courage to overcome inaction inertia. Their fear of missing out is greater than their fear of messing up."

So where does this leave me?

With a whole lot of questions and not many answers. But a conviction that something big is coming and the best thing is to stop trying to figure it out before it gets here.

It's a constant daily, hourly... by the minute battle to give things to God. I give it up to him and enjoy the temporary relief... and then drag it back in again because I don't trust him enough to take care of it.

So I pray, and do my best to trust, and just believe that when the time is right the answers will come.

Until then I guess there's always blogging ;)