The new story of april continued

(Continuation of the New Story of April. For the original please start here)

April wasn't all bad though. On the 29th of that month I had the wonderful opportunity to see two of my best friends graduate from medical school. They were a part of the first graduating class at that institution, and I couldn't have been prouder. The weekend came at a more sedate period of the month for me. Lilly was medically doing great at the moment, and the grandparents health was under control. I had more fun than I had in months, but the joy for my friends was also tempered by frustrations with my own life. I watched the excitement in their eyes as they talked about moving to their respective new cities and programs, felt the simultaneous fear and joy at the challenges awaiting them. It was in those moments that I came to the heart breaking realization:

"I don't think I'm called to stay in Child Life."

Riding out the storm: Week Two

Post Seven in this series.


(Facebook status from April 10):

Update on Lilly: i apologize if this message is disjointed. We have been without internet for a week which means i am trying to write this on my phone. things have been... Crazy over the past week. On Sunday she rapidly declined out of no where and upon examination at the vet we discovered her gi system has begun to shut down due to the antibiotic. The whole visit with the vet was an incredible God moment that i am still processing, and at some point I'll write about. Needless to say, i know God orchestrated that meeting for his good. The vet gave me a new plan of care along with his personal cell, and has been in daily contact with me monitoring her progress. Lilly seemed to bounce back a bit with the help of her new meds, new diet, and tummy massage multiple times a day, however tonight she began to show signs of extreme illness again. If things have not resolved by morning we will be again visiting our good friend dr bo at country club animal hospital. Please pray she again begins eating and drinking on her own, and that her urine production and bowel movements regulate. I have not a single doubt it was the power of prayer last week that got her through, so I'm calling on it again. There was a great quote from our sermon Sunday, it was a quote from a guy writing about turning his cancer to a blessing. He said "you will waste your cancer if you find comfort from the odds instead of from God". This has been my mantra over the past few days. The odds have been against us since day one, but by the grace of God she has continued on. I really believe deep down that his will will prevail in the end. If that means i lose her i Will be devastated of course, but i will choose to believe there still was a purpose in this all. So prayers for her health and my sanity are appreciated. If nothing else i have a whole new level of respect for my parents at work. If things are this hard for me with a pet, i can't imagine how heartwrenching it is for a parent to make these decisions about their child. I love you all, and promise to be a better friend as soon as the crisis resolves

You will waste your suffering if...

This post (part of this series) was written on Sunday, April 7, after a vet visit that significantly impacted how I view suffering. The original article was talked about in a church sermon that morning, and while the pastor only touched on a few of the topics I was inspired to read the entire selection. In doing so I felt God asking me to process my experiences and use it as a framework for reflecting on what I had learned (At that point).

Although there is much I could add to my musings (in the two weeks since it's original conception), I've chosen to leave it in the original form. Part of this process has been documenting my reactions in real time (or as close as I can get). It's important to me not to fast forward through the growth process, and to recognize each step along the way.

The Power of Hope

This is the fifth installation in this story series.

Sunday, April 7 (cont):

For the first time since this entire experience began, I no longer feel alone. I recognize this is largely due to my own unwillingness to reach out and ask for help. If nothing else this experience is teaching me sometimes I need to swallow my own pride and admit that I can’t do it on my own. I’m glad she’s here; I know that she will support whatever decision I make, prevent me from being pressured into making choices I really do not want, and if the worst is confirmed and we have to put her down, at least I won’t be alone.

Thoughts on Prayer Part Three: Where to go and what to do when you don't even know what to pray

And so it begins. I've debated about how best to detail my experiences, and the best that I can think to do is go chronologically. To allow myself to revisit emotions, and experiences as they happened. Some of these recaps will be taken from actual post drafts that never saw publishing. Some will be taken from facebook statuses.

And for the moment, there is at least one critical storyline that will remain untold. I always aim to be transparent. If people will take the time to read my words, I feel I owe it to them to be honest and open. However, one very critical piece of the puzzle must be held back; I am hopeful that in time it too can be shared, but for now, just know I am giving what I can.

Lessons from Jonah

Source

I'm really bad at Lent. Super bad, some would say. I always attempt to give something up, but in the process slip up once or twice, feel guilty, and ultimately stop trying. So several years ago I decided instead of giving up a vice for Lent, I would take on a good habit. In other words, last year I decided to be more proactive in reading my Bible, making a point to read a few chapters every single day.

Not only did I manage to keep that task up for Lent (trust me, no one is more surprised than me), it has continued now for almost a year. Over time the formatting changed, but basically every morning as soon as I turn off the alarm on my phone, before I check email, before I look at the weather, I open the Bible app on my phone and read at least three chapters. As mentioned here, one of my goals for the new year was to take the time to actually process what I am reading instead of skimming through it like I normally do.

I've been relatively successful; not going to lie, there have been many mornings I've had to continually remind myself Digest what you are reading, don't just look at the words, but every so often something sticks out to me.

I'm reading at the end of the Old Testament right now. Let me tell you, I thought getting through Numbers/Deuteronomy was a chore, I had never tried reading some of the prophets. Seriously, how many times does one group of people need to get told that they are going to suffer numerous afflictions because of their horrendous behavior?? I have been starting every morning super depressed. So when I got to the book of Jonah the other day, I was excited. FINALLY! A story with some plot and intrigue. Yet as I was reading though, a few details emerged to which I had never before paid attention.

Source

Weekend recap: instagram style

Saturday: TREE OF LIFE every year we plant oak trees in honor of the patients who have passed in the last year due to cancer (clockwise): the grove showing trees that have been planted (and growing) for years; a newly planted tree honoring one of this year's patients; a robot and matchbox car truck gracing the foot of the tree honoring a previous year's patient; flower pots placed at the tree of another patient from this year; christmas decorations on a tree

Gorgeous sky, gorgeous weather, afternoon at a local park

 

Perfect lakeside retreat for reading

Playtime with Lilly outside to soak in more of the perfect weather

Dinner out with a friend and the most AMAZING dessert of my life- half triple ghiradelli chocolate, and half chocolate chip

Sunday: celebrating a friend's birthday

Amazing burgers, amazing ice cream- epic win

Mimosas, disney movies, and jalapeno corn cheese dip with my bestie

I've been struggling a lot lately with the concept of time: not having enough, feeling like I don't use mine appropriately, experiencing the sensation of my life passing me by. Coincidentally (or not so) my pastor's sermon this morning was on just that: time. He talked about how we as humans have been learning to slice time in smaller and smaller pieces (days into hours into quarter hours, to minutes, and now nanoseconds); this sensation actually causes us to feel like we have less time instead of more. (I'm boiling down an entire 40 minute sermon into two sentences) His suggestion was that we take more time to relax, to unwind and to experience each moment instead of trying to control it. I think that was a task well accomplished this weekend.

The year of 13

It's that time of year, it's resolution time! I always stink at this, I have lofty goals that are never actually met. I work at it for a week or two, then something happens, and suddenly I give up entirely. I've decided 2013 is going to be a year of growth and change, and that requires significant work. So to force myself to think creatively, I decided to come up with a list of things I want to work on. 13 of 13. They aren't resolutions per se, I'm not going to beat myself up if they aren't met exactly, in fact most are not exact goals. However, I intend to aim for the spirit of each item. In no particular order:

1. Write 13 blog posts a month- I love writing; it's how I best process my experiences. I know I don't have a significant following, but I never started a blog intending for it to be big. It is a (public) forum for me to express myself, to work through issues, and to commentate. If other people gain some insight from my thoughts, then great. However, I have been inconsistent in the past and I want to break that habit. I think it's unrealistic to think I'll actually write a post every day, inspiration doesn't always hit that often. However, 13 posts a month is roughly 3 posts a week. Will I meet that number? Probably not. I want to be more deliberate in my efforts is aLL.

2. Walk 13,000 steps a day.- Let's be honest, a "I'm going to exercise regularly" will probably not be realistic for me to state. However, most health experts recommend getting at least 10,000 steps a day. Given how much I walk at work, this shouldn't be too difficult, but I want to focus on improving my activity level at a realistic and beneficial pace.

3. Clean out/Give away 13 items a week- I'm an emotional packrat. I have trouble getting rid of things that have any sentimental value. My goal is to weed through my belongings and really take a hard look at what I own. Do I really need the top that I wore on a significant occasion but not again in the next four years? Do I need to hold on to books I know I will never read again? 13 items is arbitrary, but I want to consistent in clearing out and getting rid of things.

4. Visit 13 new places (cities; historical sites; etc).- I love travel and new experiences. I want to see more, more of my own city, more of my own country, more of the world even? This is a jolt to my psyche to make a deliberate effort to make plans for these trips instead of just waiting for them to happen.

5. Make 13 new friends- Shouldn't be too difficult, but will be necessary. I'm faced with the reality that the majority of my social network in Miami is graduating/leaving in May. If I end up staying here i need to branch out and meet new people. If I happen to leave at any point in the next year (you never know, anything can happen!), then I want to make a conscious effort to reach out and build a new network.

6. Try 13 new foods- Im very unadventurous with my eating habits. It's time to expand my palate and try new foods

7. Spend 13 minutes a day reading the bible- Last year I set a goal during Lent to read the bible every day, and surprisingly I have kept it up. Every morning (more or less) I read approximately 3 chapters. I am on goal to finish right around a year after I started. However, I often just 'read' without really processing. It becomes a chore to get through sometimes. So this goal is to not rush, and take time to really absorb what I am reading.

8. Read 13 classics- There are so many amazing books I have never read but always mean to. My goal is to read a different classic every month or so. Dickens, Tolstoy, Shakespeare, etc. The only catch is they must be something I haven't read before. Suggestions are appreciated.

9. Sew 13 new items- I love sewing, and Im actually quite good at it (with practice). I get frustrated by how much effort it takes to get everything set up and taken down, so without specific projects (aka my sister's wedding) things don't happen. I want to be more deliberate and use my fabulous sewing machine more often.

10. Spend 13 minutes every evening straightening up- I can get lazy at times, particularly after a long day's work. Usually i let things pile up for a day or two and then do it all at once. I would like to be deliberate about taking time every day to get things organized.

11 Give to 13 different charities- I think giving financially is a great way to shift from materialistic thought and to help others. I want to expand my giving, share my blessings, and give to those who need it more than myself. I'm also going to be more deliberate about tracking my spending.

12 Ask 13 people how their day is going every day- aka be more deliberate about talking to other people and getting to know them. I am an open book with my own life, but I think it's better that I spend more time listening than doing the talking.

13. Enact 13 acts of random kindness- One of my favorite stories from this past year was the time God encouraged me to give away a very significant chunk of money, even when I couldn't really afford it at the time. To this day the person has no idea it was me, but I've felt blessed seeing what a difference God made in her life through me. I want to make an effort to find more of these opportunities. It's not about giving money away, it's about going out of my comfort zone for someone else. So creativity is a big part, as well as keeping my ears and eyes open for situations as they present themselves.!


So that's it. My 13 goals for 2013. I'm going to update at the end of every month where I am at with each in an effort to keep myself accountable. Happy New Year everyone!

Scars

I held a newborn baby at work.

Innocent, fragile, untouched by the world. There is something so magical about the skin of a newborn; soft, pink, smooth, not yet marred by the hazards of the world.

I have many scars, and they all tell a story. One on my right middle finger from the times I sliced out my finger tip using an ice shaver. Or the one on my left forearm from bubbling solder during a stained glass accident. Most scars fade over time, some so small you can barely notice them, but others remain pronounced forever.

One of the things that marvels me about the world is the transformation of innocent newborn to the person they will become. Particularly when I look at those... whom society might not deem as appropriate or desirable. It never ceases to amaze me that often my co-workers and I are willing to forgive the four year old who is cursing and pitching a fit, recognizing that he is the product of his environment and often a victim of poor (or no) parenting. Yet, when we are faced with the 12 year old who is sullen and rebellious, judgment quickly ensues.

We all bear scars, emotional, physical, psychological;  while I believe we are all ultimately responsible for our actions, it's hard not to be feel sympathetic. What about those people who have never known security, empowerment, or unconditional love? Those who have not ever experienced feeling like they are worth someone, or taught right and wrong? When do we start accepting responsibility for helping them see a better path.

I've been thinking about my own scars a lot lately. There are many unpleasant things in my past, events and circumstances I might think I want to forget. It's hard to feel ties to your past, particularly when it comes to relationships. There are things people have done, things that I have done, things that have happened, that still sting. That scar is still there, and always will be I suspect, but acknowledging can be difficult when trying to differentiate between scars and emotional entanglements. When I think about Situation X, does it still make me angry? Yes. But do I consider myself as having moved on and past it? Yes.

For example, there was a significant controversy at my parent's last church.The details are unimportant, what matters it that I was hurt, and my friends were hurt, and most importantly, my family was hurt. Not only were we hurt, but our lives were forever altered and changed. I believe God can bring good in a horrible situation, and I know that no one was truly faultless, but to see my parents and siblings have their entire lives uprooted and changed because of someone else's (misplaced) vendetta. It's crazy how quickly miscommunication and misunderstanding can spiral out of control. What starts as petty rumors are fueled by those who are angry and end up changing the course of a church or an individual's life.

That experience altered my relationship with God. I walked away from the church for several years, uninterested in an organized religion that could be so tainted by bitter and vindictive people. My faith was so entrenched in the 'religious' experience of my childhood that it took me almost six years to rebuild my spirituality separate, though informed by, a structured belief system. Am I still actively angry and bitter at those people? No, by the grace of God. But I bear the scars.

So when things pop up that touch those scars, I react. My hot buttons? Being lied to and then told I'm an idiot/being treated like I'm stupid. People hurting my family. Betrayal from friends. Friendship should mean more than going with the status quo. Friendship should mean trust and loyalty. Not blind trust, but a general faith in the good of the other person.

I bear a lot of scars, in many different aspects of my person. Some are of my own making. Yet, I've learned I wouldn't want to change or remove any of them. They are reminders to me of where I've been and how far I've come. In many cultures, scars, particularly battle wounds, are a badge of honor, signaling the bravery and courage of the person. I view my emotional scars of proof of my endurance and fortitude. Proof that I've taken risks, and I haven't just sat on the sidelines watching others live.

They can just be frustrating to work around when they rear their ugly heads.

Exposing the jugular

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. ~ Grey's Anatomy


I was once accused of being a 'sadistic b****" who got her "kicks off seeing children suffer".



It was an ex who, after having a frank discussion years later, admitted that the comment was reflective of his own pain, not of me. Yet for years the comment haunted me, making me doubt myself. question every decision, every motive. Even to this day I think it and twitch.

It's no laughing matter.

Prepare yourself for another long-winded  story that somehow has a significant theological/life point at the end.  I call it the Bethany special.

I've been thinking about gas a lot lately.

Not that type of gas. Laughing gas; nitrous oxide, aka the stuff they give you in the dental chair to relax you.

Two weeks ago today I had my wisdom teeth removed. Frankly, I was terrified going in. Not because of the pain and recovery time, not because of all of the adverse side effects of the medications I was under. Not because I was going to swell up like a chipmunk (which thankfully did not happen). I was terrified of the actual process, namely the drugs.

It's almost ironic, given that my job often involves coaching kids through consciously sedated procedures, or reassuring them prior to general anesthesia; that I myself have never been sedated. Perhaps it is that exact exposure that was haunting me. Memories of laughing with parents at the ridiculous thing their children were saying. Having discussions with patients that they had no recollection of later. The idea of having no control or memory of my faculties for a period of time scared me more than I could say. However, on the other side of things, I had heard horror stories from people who were not sedated during their procedures. Was told that the sound of the tooth cracking haunted them to this day.

What to do?

Luckily, my absolutely amazing oral surgeon was very responsive to my concerns and offered up his solution to the problem: a combination of low dose valium taken the night before and morning of my procedure to relax me, followed by an administration of nitrous oxide that would further calm me for the procedure, with no lasting side effects. (All, of course, administered with the actual numbing agent). With his confidence in mind, I agreed to the  proposed plan, still skeptical.

With good reason, as I later found out.

As I took that first valium the night before my procedure, I was surprised to find no change in mental capacity. In fact, if anything, I became more anxious with worry that our proposed plan was going to have no effect. The next morning I took both the prescribed dosage along with the extra "if you need it to relax" pill, hoping the double dose would have an effect. Next thing I knew, I was incredibly jittery. Maybe it was the Valium... maybe my nerves just got the best of me, but either way the medication did not have the desired effect.

Fastforward a bit of time including a drive to the office, a wait in the office, an extended wait in the pre-room where I was informed that my dad had in fact made it to the hospital in time, and a tense waiting period until he got up to hug me briefly before I was taken into the procedure room. The assistants did a great job of helping me get comfortable, they strapped on the gas mask, and the doctor began the numbing process and turned the laughing gas on.

I still do not have the right words to describe my experience, but essentially what began as a nice 'buzz' feeling, quickly spiraled into a complete panic attack. As one part of my mind began to relax and 'float', another significant part was still vitally aware of the gradual loss of control. Almost as if I were commentating to myself the experience:

Hmm... this isnt so bad, I guess he turned the gas on and I feel kind of fuzzy. Almost like Ive had a few drinks. Like last weekend in Orlando, that was a fun weekend, I should call- ok wait... now the feeling is a bit stronger, this is very strange, shouldn't I be more relaxed and not so vitally aware of everything that is going on, this is starting to remind me of the stories my patients have told about being sedated and not having control of their own bodies but still knowing everything that is going on, crap wow, now Im really feeling foggy and can't communicate which is bad because my chest is feeling heavy and Im having a panic attack. SHIT I'm having a panic attack and I can't even tell them because the stupid other part of me is floating on a cloud...I feel like my own thoughts are crashing in around me and Im drowning in a sea of my own lack of control

Luckily this was about the point that the oral surgeon very kindly told me he noticed that I was starting to hyperventilate and lowered the concentration of the gas. Hallelujah, considering the feeling of drowning within myself was not very enjoyable.

Long story short, we got through the procedure with few complications (apparently my one impacted tooth had a 'lovely' surprise of three roots instead of two. That sucker had no intention of going anywhere...). However, at the end of procedure, the overwhelmingly suffocating feeling began to creep back in and they removed the gas component entirely for the final stitches. My dr later informed me he suspected my very fast metabolism had contributed to the odd reactions to both Valium and Nitrous Oxide. Uncommon, but luckily the procedure itself had been low in complications so it all worked out in the end.

So what's my take away point?


I have a very stubborn mind. Ive known this for years, and that experience just confirmed what Ive always suspected. I've attempted to learn to still my mind on many occasions. Meditation, guided imagery, relaxation, you name it, I've tried it. With no success, I might add. I have a seriously difficult time letting go, part of my mind is always fiercely grabbing hold to the present. Even during some of the best times of my life, a part of me can't continue to live in the moment and instead is busy crunching numbers and running data analysis. This is a trait that has also served me well; my ability to truly multi-task is unparalleled, which I in part attribute to my budding OCD (a topic for another post). I turn what could be a tragic flaw into a vital and integral part of my personality. No wonder Im accused of being high maintenance at times! (I prefer the term 'vibrant personality', p.s.).

So anyways, hard time relaxing, that's me. Hard time letting go, right here. Difficulty not dwelling and moving on... absolutely, partially because I am perfectly capable of dwelling AND moving on at the same time. Split track mind.

I have some things going on right now that I can't actually write about for a variety of reasons. Potentially great things, potentially scary things, definitely overwhelming, and causing me to trust and rely on God in a way that I haven't truly leaned on him for almost two years.

But why is it so hard to truly let go of my problems and trust that God is going to handle them?

Is it because I don't believe he can? Absolutely not, my past experiences have taught me that God has a knack for swooping down in the knick of time. If the balls up in the air are the ones he's planned, they will certainly stay up there with little effort on my part.

Is it because I don't think he will? Maybe... what I've learned is that while God CAN come in and save the day, sometimes he  doesn't. And I think he doesn't for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's because what we think is his 'plan' isn't.  I've been guilty of assuming God has ordained things and not going back to check with him. Or, if I AM in his plan, I've decided how he's going to work things out, and he doesn't always work that way. But sometimes... bad things happens, and we have no control over it, and I don't know that God always does either. If we truly subscribe to the value of free will, then the repercussion is I can act the way I want and God can't interfere without infringing on my free will. If I decide I want to go out and murder someone... at a certain point God can't stop me without disturbing the balance of order he created. The same way he puts the laws of science in motion... which can then present as hurricanes, or cancer,or  rabid lion attacks. Sure, God can, and does, speak into our life to gently nudge us to take a different route to work to avoid the fatal car crash, but sometimes he doesn't. So even if these plans Im facing are God's... that doesn't mean they are guaranteed to happen.

I've learned that a lot this year. Sometimes God might plan things, and then we, as humans, screw it up. Guilty right here.

So these thoughts take up a lot of brainspace (although luckily I can multi task and play solitaire at the same time. Yes, obviously in my mind. What? You mean you don't do that too....?) And Im struggling with the balance.

I think there is some benefit to being concerned. It keeps me focused on God. My urge to get on my knees physically and pray has been so strong in the last month.  Yet, as my post a few weeks ago suggests, needless worry becomes a sickness. At some point I have to surrender control and tell God it's in his hands and Im done trying to 'make' things happens. Because, for me, not having control is the one thing that will reassure me in the long run that I am really in his will.

So in addition to making my daily thanks list (which sometimes makes its way on here), I'm also reminding myself of the ways God has answered prayers in the past. In the ways I had thought, in the ways I hadn't wanted, and in the ways that absolutely have blown my minds.

I'm on the precipice of having my mind blown again, or having my heart broken. Part of the excitement is the unknown. And frankly, what fun is life without that element of intensity? Either way, the only control I have is choosing to ask God to guide me and help me through whatever comes my way.

But keep your fingers crossed... please. And thank you.

Being Thankful

Today's sermon was on letting go of worry.

Not that I would have had any reason to listen to that particular sermon..... ;)


According to our pastor, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder; anxiety disorders are the number one mental health concern in the country, surpassing substance abuse and depression. Even though we are now living longer, living better, and have more access to the 'benefits' of the world, the amount of anxiety in our culture has multiplied 10 times in the last forty years.

None of that is any surprise to me.

I have battled bouts of depression, anxiety, and OCD for the majority of my life. Luckily, these issues have only interfered with my life in minor ways. Except for when my stress and exhaustion levels are at extreme highs, I can normally mitigate the effects of these issues on my daily living.

But still, I suffer from anxiety. I worry, I over think, I let concern for things that have happened, are happening, or could happen consume my thoughts and detract from living in the moment.

During my vacation this week, I was given the opportunity to see the Blue Man Group at Universal. Not only that, we upgraded to the VIP package for less than what a normal ticket would have cost us (Thanks Jason-the-ticket-salesman). In the VIP lounge was an electronic sign with a scrolling commentary. Hilarious (particularly after consuming alcohol), but also thought provoking. Our favorite train of thought regarded living in the moment. Can you really be in the moment and simultaneously be aware that you are living in the present without concern for the future? As amusing as it was reading an electronic sign argue with itself about this fact, it struck a chord with me the entire the rest of  the trip. I struggle with being in the moment. I struggle with letting myself relax and enjoy my surroundings without immediately jumping to what is coming up.

Our pastor today spoke on worry and how it consume our lives. This is not to say that healthy concern is not beneficial. We get through life by planning ahead and focusing ourselves when need be. Rather, his argument was that when our focus shifts from productive planning to obsessive worry, we give ourselves over to the anxiety. He states "You will never get to worry-free living  by trying to change the circumstances of your life". Problems are always going to be there, rather it is how we handle our selves in that situation, and the power we give our emotions that will influence our emotional stability.

Worry comes from focusing on the problems, and letting a desire for control become crippling fear in our daily lives.

Interestingly enough (or at least I think so), I recently read in a book (When bad things happen to good people) a statement on how human beings are the only creature truly aware of our own mortality. The argument the author mentions, and I would expand upon, is that it is this awareness that makes us human, and gives us the opportunity to truly appreciate life. 

I sunk into a bout of depressed mood when I got back from vacation. After the high of those three days, feeling relaxed and free, truly enjoying myself, to come back to the humdrum of reality was stark and unforgiving. Life felt hollow and meaningless, and I was increasingly aware of how unhappy I am with my present circumstances. However, it is because of the direct contrast of vacation and reality that I can appreciate the fun that I had. If every day of my life was easy, free, and fun, without a care or worry, I would not have appreciated my time in Orlando the same way.

In the same way, it is in going through the struggles and pains of life that grants us the ability to appreciate when things are good. You can't understand hot without cold, light without dark, in the same way a life without pain is also a life without appreciation of pleasure.

It is the knowledge of our own mortality that gives us the ability to search for meaning elsewhere, and to fully embrace the love of God. Matt 6:26 states that we should not be worried about our daily lives, just as the birds of air and flower of the field are not concerned. I agree that we should not let stress about the every day trials take away from our ability to fulfill our purposes, but I would argue that the very mortality awareness that makes this concern a reality is also the very thing that allows us to commune with our creator. Birds do not worry about their next meals, because they are not aware that if they do not eat they will die. However, birds can also not appreciate the way God fulfills their needs and provides for their wants in the same way people can.

Human Consciousness is the key to humanity, and what simultaneously drives our need and offers proof of a spiritual eternity. I have to wonder if our need for immorality, through long life, legacy building, "making a difference", is truly just an indicator of our eternal souls' responses to being contained in a temporary confinement.

----------------------------------------------
I tend towards the worrying side of the spectrum. I let myself think about all the things that could go wrong, and obsessively plan for how I would handle them if they were to pop up in my lives. I do think having a back up plan and being prepared is important, however I'm getting sick and tired of letting that fear dictate my life.  The pastor started the sermon by asking "what are you worried about?" and a list came flooding to my mind. I'm tired of that.

So I'm making a pact, with myself, to shift my focus. If the power of worry truly comes from letting our frustrations and concerns become the primary focus of our thoughts, than I am changing what I spend my time concentrating on. First off? Making a point to list the things I am thankful for. To allot more awareness for the blessings I have in life, and the positive things coming my way, than the things I am scared about.

It won't be easy, particularly as I go for my wisdom teeth removal in five days. But it's needed.

So here, for today, are the things that stick out in my mind for which I am grateful.:

1) My amazing family, particularly my parents, who have always loved and supported me. Who are constant presences in my life, and go out of their way to make sure I know I am not alone.

2) For friends, all over the globe at this point, who seek me out and save me from myself when I need it.

3) Florida Football, and the ability to enjoy watching a team grow and struggle, but come out triumphant.

4) That despite the trials and tribulations of my current situation, I have the resources and support to face everything that comes my way.


Thankfulness is the best way to combat worry, a far as I am concerned, and I intend to be deliberate in my discipline for as long as I am able.

Epiphany in the exam chair

****Side note: I began this post months ago. I'm not even going to state how long ago, because frankly, it's embarrassing. However, the story has such an interesting ending that I couldn't have even fathomed when I first started writing. My present life is facing some incredible challenges that I can't openly post about on here, but despite that I think it's finally time to share this story. It has truly impacted the way I am viewing and handling my current problems, and I hope someone else can take courage from it. That and my insomnia has hit. So goodbye sleep.****

First Posting
I have "God moments" in the weirdest places.

I promise to finish my thoughts started in the last post at some point; I can't be making false promises to my (one) reader (Hi Judy! ;)). However, God spoke to me in a life-affirming, faith-altering, goal-changing way today. I'm still processing it and I'm still attempting to come to terms with the convictions and changes I must make, but for now... here's my attempt to make sense of what happened.

I have said it before on here, and I will say it again. I don't have God moments all that often.  It's not as if I live my life with a consistent conviction that I am 'walking in his paths'. More often than not I agonize over every decision, trying to make sense of my choices, and discern God's will. Sometimes, in fact, I even forget to make God a part of my everyday life, let alone a priority. (Gasp, Shock, Horror... I know, I'm a heathen!).

But every so often, I get those nudges. Moments when I am certain, even for just a second, that I understand a small portion of God's plan.

God speaks to different people in different ways. For some it is through prayer. Some find God's word through the Bible. Others hear his voice through conversations with others or through nature. For me it is through books. Something about the written word communicates to me God's love better than any other medium. I've already discussed when God gave me clarity about my relationship trouble, and how I received comfort regarding disappointment through friends from a passage of The Shack. I shared how reading The Purpose Driven Life as a nightly devotion provided God with opportunities to give me clarity on daily struggles. And most importantly, I shared how my all-time favorite book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, was given to me by God at just the moment I needed it, and subsequently changed my entire perspective on life.

Ok on second thought, I do seem to have these moments on a semi-regular basis, however, they always occur when I am being intentional about seeking God's will. When I am so desperate for clarity and answers that I am devouring these inspirational books . My God moments spring up on me, always unexpected; the words on the page speak directly into my heart and for one moment I know that God is giving me the answers I am so desperately speaking.

My latest experience occurred at approximately 9:20 this morning as I sat in the lobby of the Nova Southeastern College of Dentistry awaiting my cavity restoration.

But I should backtrack. I apologize that this story will be lengthy, but the details are necessary to paint the picture. And hey. It's my blog. I can write what I want ;)

It's been years since I had gone to the dentist. I won't tell you how long, you'll judge. But growing up I never had cavities, even when we'd go long periods of time between visits. Given that we didn't have dental insurance until the end of my high school years, my parents didn't see the need to take us multiple times a year when our teeth were in great shape. I don't blame them, it did no harm, but I also have never had the discipline of regularly seeing my dentist the way I do my eye doctor and general physician. Then came college, grad school, internship, moving and starting my new job. It has only been in the last month when I finally began experiencing some pain in a back molar (and realizing I had great dental insurance) that I decided to put on my big girl panties, be a grown up, and get this situation sorted out.

I went to the dentist that my insurance assigned me, and suffice to say I left the office and cried in my car for about five minutes before I could drive home. Multiple cavities in every tooth, necessary braces, wisdom teeth extraction, multiple deep cleanings. I knew I didn't floss as often as I should, but given my perchance for brushing/rinsing twice a day like clockwork I was shocked to know I had let my teeth deteriorate so far.

I'll keep this brief, after praying to God in the parking lot and asking his guidance for how to pay for this ridiculous amount of dental restoration, I headed in to work and buried my feelings, too embarrassed to explain to anyone what had happened. However, I felt a nudge to confide in a co-worker, who quickly informed me that this same dentist had pulled a similar stunt on her. A second opinion revealed she had TWO cavities (not 15 as he told her) and her husband had zero (as opposed to seven). Why I felt the need to speak with her, I will never know, but I knew God was giving me clarity on the situation. I quickly called my insurance, got permission for a second opinion, and made an appointment with the dentist recommended by my friend (who also happened to be based out of the building on campus at my hospital).

My second dentist was amazing, and I highly recommend Town Care Dental for anyone in the Miami area looking for an honest, caring practice. They have many many sites, including some in the fort myers area, central florida, and all along the east coast of Florida, but I can only truly attest to the character of the locations in my area.

Regardless, my (new and current) dentist began recommending treatments to me other than expensive drilling. Nightly flouride treatments to fix the cavities that were barely forming. A mid-range cleaning instead of a deep cleaning (as I had no bone loss). The list went on, and I began to calm as I saw my teeth hypothetically healing in front of me (and my dental bill dropping!) It was later in the appointment, as my mouth trays for the flouride were being fitted, that she came in the room and said "I have an interesting proposition for you."

Long story short, it seems the new CEO of the practice was a dentist with 20+ years of experience who had just moved from California, and was thus required to take the entire certification exam/boards again. Part of these exams involved a practical hands on exam, where the candidate must actually restore the cavity on site. She informed me that my lesion was a perfect example and could be used for this exam. The experience would entail my attending the board exam, allowing him to fill the cavity (After waiting all day) and being paid $1000 in the process. Free cavity filling AND getting paid. I am so there.

Needless to say I took my dentist up on her offer, met the CEO, fell in love (so to speak) with his bed(chair?)-side manner, and agreed to go along with the experience. Fastforward a few weeks, and I found myself sitting in the front lobby of a dental school, waiting for my turn. Nervous of course, as I was about to get my first cavity filling, but excited beyond belief thinking about how this money was going to ease much of my financial burden. Excited that God had found a way to provide for my medical needs. But also with a lot of time to kill. Luckily, I had brought along reading material. Just two days earlier my copy of The Circle Maker (Mark Batterson's newest book) had arrived and something in me clearly knew to hold off reading it until that day. I opened and began to read.

Second Posting
**This is the part you will have to bear with me on, as many months later my copy of Circle Maker is in the possession of a friend who was also in need of a good pick me up/God moment**

Many parts of the book immediately began to resound with me. I read about the author and his experiences stepping back and giving God control. I learned about his friends and colleagues who had taken risks and put themselves out there, trusting God to provide. I began to feel a bit disconcerted. As I was reading a part of me commended my steadfast dedication to tithing (10% pre-tax every single paycheck), and my trust in God's financial savvyness.  

But a small voice began to whisper "but do you really give until it hurts? Do you really trust God to provide? Aren't you always giving... but not to the point that you are forced to rely on him to meet your needs"

I brushed the thought aside and kept reading, clearly God was using this very lucrative experience to come to my aid in a time of need. As I read, I came across a passage where the author comments on a time that he and his wife felt God very clearly tell them to give a certain amount of money away, although at the time they were unsure how that would be financially possible. Still they trusted.

"Maybe I'm supposed to give some of this $1000 away"

I brushed the thought aside as quickly as it came, but it returned again, like one of those really obnoxious gnats on a hot day. (You know what I mean. No? Must be a Florida thing).

"Ok God, I'll give some of it away. $100, that's tithing" Feeling really proud of myself at the moment for being so generous, but the thought continued "ok maybe $300, that's a third of it. I'm sure there's someone else who could use that money and that still leaves me with $700. It's a step above just a basic tithe and definitely shows my trust level. You know, maybe God's calling me to give it all away... oh Crap"

For the record, once those thoughts pop into your head, you are screwed. I knew right there and then in that moment that I would always feel guilty if I were too keep the money for myself. I really had no choice BUT to give it away if I wanted some sanity.

But still.I tried to push the thought aside. And kept reading.

And read about how God isn't there for our comfort. He wants us to trust. Started feeling even more guilty as I realized that this $1000, which had at first seemed like God providing for me, was really me taking control of my life into my own hands. Feeling comfortable that I could pay my mounting dental and vision bills without stressing. Getting the sense that God was convicting me of my need to truly trust him

And then God rocked my world.

I have said , over and over and over, that the Lion Book is special. I truly believe that it has a knack for finding people when they most need it. Seriously. The book drops into people's laps at the precise moment that they need to hear those words. Friends laugh when I say these thoughts, although they don't argue. But turns out, I was right.

In Circle Maker (forgive the paraphrase), Batterson gives examples of using prayer circles for his first baby, the Lion Book. He talks about the circles of prayer he and his team prayed around that book. Asking God to give it to people when they need it most. That it would find the ones intended to read it, at the exact moment they were supposed to read.

I broke down into tears. (Oddly no one in the room was concerned. Then again. It was a dental exam).  I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking to me in that moment.

I felt confirmed. That my Lion Book experiences were real. And I felt empowered. In that moment, as fear for how I was going to pay my bills began to flood in as I truly considered giving away this seemingly perfect gift, I felt God speak to me.

"Don't you trust that I can find a way to get you through? There is someone else who needs that money. Someone else who does not have the opportunity that you do, and I put you here to get that money for them. Follow through on this for me, put yourself into my hands, and see what I can do."

A name also popped into my head, which I will keep anonymous here. But an acquaintance, whom I knew was suffering more than I. I also knew exactly how to get the money to this person without them knowing the source. Something about that fact made me excited; knowing that I was not getting any glory for this, that God was going to use me to answer someone else's prayers.

So I gave the $1000 away. I cut my losses, thanked God for the gift of a free cavity filling, told a few select friends about the experience, and felt stronger for it. I filed the whole encounter away in my 'crazy God moments box' and figured we were done.


I was wrong.


Almost two months after this experience I was driving to a coffee shop when I got a call from my dad. We were catching up on various things and then he stated "I have something to tell you."

Apparently 25 years ago a good friend started a college fund for myself (and any future kids my parents might have). Due to some issues with paperwork when my parents moved, the government assumed that the account was supposed to be closed and sent my parents a check. My dad informed me that $3000 had been deposited into my bank account that afternoon.

I nearly ran a red light I was so overwhelmed.

And God laughed. Not in derision, but in joy. In amusement at what was surely a hilarious expression on my face. In pride, of how incredibly intricate his plan became. And in love, I'm sure, for being able to show me his power and care in a way that truly taught me a valuable lesson.

Like I said. I have God moments in the weirdest places.

God Hates the Gays: The church, homosexuality, and problems with the modern religion. (Part Two)

In the wake of both the UMC's upholding of homosexuality as 'inconsistent' with biblical teachings, and the passing of Amendment 1 in North Carolina today, I guess it's time to continue with this post. I've been putting it off, waiting until inspiration hit, but despite a lack of clarity on what this content should be, I know the time to write is now.

These historical decisions have certainly inspired the ire of a great number of individuals on either side. Even for someone like myself who tries to stay away from engaging in political/religious debate on the internet, it has been difficult not to correct false assumptions, or respond to what I judge as inaccuracies.

I stated in my last post that my struggle with this issue is the absence of love and acceptance. We say that God loves us, warts and all, yet we are unwilling to extend that devotion to those whose lifestyles we deem 'incompatible' with our beliefs.

But where do our beliefs come from? Most would cite a religious text (the Bible for Christiantiy, the Bhagavad Gita for Hinduism, Qu'ran for Islam). I would argue these writings are certainly the foundation for our doctrines, yet is man's interpretation of those words that builds a religious movement.

There was a time in our nation's history when religious men used the Bible to justify the enslavement of 'colored individuals'. There have been times when religious institutions used the Bible to justify the mass murders of other civilizations. Religious movements have used their texts to justify terrorism, genocides, the suppression of women and more. As culture changes, as history evolves, it is always important to study our various texts and understand them within the society for which they were originally intended.

Despite my frustration with the Methodist church, I must say that I do greatly admire our willingness to consider these controversial issues. To recognize that as the world changes, we must change with it to stay relevant. I may not always agree with the decisions, but meeting people where they are is the first step to spreading God's love in the world.

You'll notice I always refer to God and not Jesus.

Do not get me wrong, I am not refuting the divinity of Christ, or the validity of his sacrifice. For me, however, I have always responded better to the 'father' aspect of God. The creator, the overseer, the ethereal personage. I am going to simplify a thought that I promise is much more complex and contemplated then it will appear here: God sent Jesus in an attempt to show us how much he loved us. To allow us to get past our own guilt and self-deprecation and realize that in our extreme depravity, he still loves and CAN save us, redeeming us for eternal life with him. But, in the greater scheme of things, my God is big and powerful enough to reach his people in other ways as well. He was doing it thousands and thousands of years before Christ, and I believe he can continue to do it now. I follow Christianity because it was the culture in which I was raised; the method with which I was taught to commune with my creator, but I have always felt spiritually and intellectually stymied by the teaching that other religions have no validity.

If you have not read Rob Bell's book Love Wins I highly suggest you read it. Regardless if you are a conservative Christian who is content in your beliefs of heaven and hell, a skeptic, an atheist, a Muslim, or just an intrigued scholar, this highly controversial book will force you to examine your own convictions. It may not change your faith, in fact it may cement it one way or another, but I truly believe that a faith that is not consistently questioned, challenged and expanded is dead. If you are truly confident in your belief system, then re-examining those beliefs in light of new evidence should not be threatening. If your faith does not grow and mature with you, it is not serving you to its fullest.

Anyway...

I quote Rob Bell:

As Jesus says in John 10, "I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen." This should not surprise us. The gospel, Paul writes in his letter to he Colossians, "has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven" (chap. 1). Every. Creature. Under. Heaven./ As wide as creation. Including everybody. The whole world. This is crucial for how we understand the current state of world religions, with its staggering number of religions themselves, let alone the multitudes of splinter groups and subgroups and denominations and factions and varied interpretations. Religions should not surprise us. We crave meaning and order and explanation. We're desperate for connection with something greater than ourselves. This is not new. This has not caught Jesus off guard. Jesus insisted in the midst of this massive array of belief and practice that God was doing something new in human history, something through him, something that involved everybody. John remembers Jesus saying "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me (chap 14)".... What he doesn't say is how, or when, or in what manner the mechanism functions that gets people to God through him. He doesn't even state that those coming to the Father through  him will even know that they are coming exclusively through him, He simply claims that whatever God is doing in the world to know and redeem and love and restore the world is happening through him."   (Rob Bell, Love Wins, pg 152-154).

The Writers of the scriptures consistently affirm that we're all part of the same family. What we have in common- regardless of our tribe, language, customs, beliefs, or religion- outweighs our differences. This is why God wants "all people to be saved". History is about the kind of love a parent has for a child, the kind of love that pursues, searches, creates, connects, and bonds. The kind of love that moves toward, embraces, and always works to be reconciled with, regardless of the cost. " (Love Wins, pg 99)

So where am I going with this? I think that we (all people, regardless of faith) get so wrapped up in dictating how what we believe impacts our lives (and the lives of others) that we stop focusing on what it is that we actually do believe.

Case in point, I don't often tell people my dad is a minister.

Not because I find it embarrassing. Not because I am ashamed. But because the reaction is always the same: "Oh wow, Im going to have to watch what I say around you!"

The automatic reaction is to assume that I will judge.

It's sad. Incredibly heartbreaking that as a whole Christianity is known for what it is against instead of what it is for.

Sad that the world first associates us with our hatred of sinners, gays, adulterers, and abortion, rather than the love of God.

Because isn't that what God is about? Paul states that the 'Gospel' has been meant for everyone. Gospel translates simply to 'good news'. And what is that good news? That God loves us. That he loves us so much he was willing to do whatever it took to demonstrate it. I'm going to tread on some toes here, but in my mind, Christ's death alone is NOT the good news. The best, most awesome, most inspiring news, is that God loves us. He desires us. He pursues us. Our lives are purposeful. We are not accidents. In a world of failures, disappointments, and seemingly meaningless happenings.... there is a plan. And it is orchestrated by a being that loves us within the depths of his (or her) core.

It doesn't get much better than that.

And yet we get sidetracked.

We are humans, beings that desire order and control. We are frightened of being overwhelmed, of being out of the loop. We do not function without a plan. And we do not cope well with the abstract. So we take God and we put in him into a box that we can fathom.

Im not disputing the need for this. Anyone who has had a "mountaintop" experience, as it is often referred to, can attest that to be fully in the presence of God and immersed in his full wonder is overwhelming and exhausting. In this human form we are not built to survive a continual relationship of this magnitude.

So we condense the wonder into smaller bite sized chunks for daily consumption.

The problem comes when we start believing that the watered down, abridged, Cliff notes version of God is as much as there is to our creator.

When we start limiting God.

I don't begin to suggest that I have it completely right. That I have some grand knowledge that overshadows any one else's truth. That's the great thing about truth, especially religious truth, it caters to each of our needs. God can be whatever, whoever, wherever, whenever we need.

But I do think it's time that we start letting go of the tight hold we have on God's leash and start letting him run the show again.

God is love. He loves all his children, even the ones who don't love him back. Maybe if we start sharing that news, demonstrating his love, living out the gospel, we can start reaching those we have alienated and hurt.

Maybe we can bring our world back into harmony. Maybe we can give people a reason why they need God.

Because I'm going to clue you in on a secret.

Telling people they are unworthy, sinners, and going to hell isn't going to convince them of anything.

Living a life of purpose and love that stands in direct contrast to the misery and pain of the world around us will.

Maybe we will stop passing homophobic amendments that limit and hurt the rights of heterosexuals just as much the LGBT community just because we are scared.

Maybe we will stop building walls between our churches/synagogues/mosques and the people who need the love the most.

Maybe we will start actively reaching out a hand to those around us, without first assessing the state of their personal lives.

Maybe we can make a difference.

Maybe, God can save the day.

God Hates the Gays: The church, homosexuality, and problems with the modern religion. (Part One)

Disclaimer: I debated long and hard about writing this post. I tend to keep my mouth shut on many 'social' religious issues, because no matter what I say I'm going to make someone mad. Conservatives Christians: because I'm too liberal and don't give the Bible enough credit. Non religious folks : because I give the Bible ANY credit. English and Philosophy Majors: because my arguments always have holes (and grammatical errors) in them. But this post wouldn't leave me alone. I have to write it. I'm going to say up front: you don't have to agree with me. In fact, you are welcome to think I am wrong. HOWEVER, if you DO think I'm an idiot, please refrain from trying to convert or change my mind, from belittling me, and from judging my character based on a hurridly written blog post.

Source

In case you are unaware, the 2012 United Methodist General Conference is meeting in Tampa Florida this week. For those of you who do not have an entire section of your brain burdened blessed with a complex knowledge of the innerworkings of the Methodist Church here is a brief breakdown:


The local church is overseen by an appointed pastor who is assigned to his charge one year at a time.  All of the churches (and ministries such as campus ministry) in a regional area are grouped together as a "district" and overseen by a district superintendent.  The districts of a larger area (typically as a whole state, or part of a state) are grouped into finite conferences. For instance, the majority of Florida serves as the "Florida Conference"; however some smaller states may be grouped together, while other states (such as North Carolina) are broken up into two conferences. Each conference is primarily sovereign and overseen by a "Bishop". These conferences each hold annual meetings to discuss pertinent issues, assign pastors to new charges, work on overseas ministries, etc. 

The Methodist church as a whole is encompassed in the greater United Methodist Church Every four years each conference elects delegates to attend the General Conference. The Methodist Church is governed by the Book of Discipline although each conference has it's own set of rules that coordinate with the BOD . Every four years at General Conference different conferences can petition for changes in the BOD. The attending delegates discuss, debate, and ultimately vote on how to address these changes. Sometimes they are dismissed, sometimes the BOD is actually rewritten. This is how the church adapts to meet the needs of its people in modern times.


Wow long winded.


Tomorrow marks the conference vote on the Methodist Church's stance on homosexuality. I won't get into all the details, but this has been a long debated topic in our church... in every church. (and yes despite my personal issues with organized religion, and my current affiliation with a presbyterian church, I apparently DO consider myself a Methodist). Essentially, several conferences are petitioning to remove condemnation in our book of discipline to reflect the conflicted nature of the church, and to readdress the current ban on ordination for non-celibate gay ministers (and ban on performing same-sex marriages). 

It's an interesting topic, and one I've avoided coming out (hah pun intended!) officially as either pro or con on.

Source

I grew up in a Christian Community. A very open, loving, and welcoming community, but one with fairly conservative values. I was taught (by my family, my church, my teachers), that homosexuality itself is wrong, but that we should still love everyone. "Hate the sin, Love the sinner" mentality.

It's a great mentality to have, it truly is great. None of us are perfect; we all have flaws. If we are going to ostracize a group of individuals by one choice they make, to define them entirely by a single flaw, then we have to turn that thought process on ourselves. We all make mistakes. We all have behaviors we continue to engage in even though we may know they are wrong. My problem with this thought though is that more and more as I aged I began to question the designation of "sin".

Why is homosexuality such a problem? Why are we so quick to chastise people for these behaviors.

 What the Bible says (and doesnt say about homosexuality) 

An individual posted this article on the conference webpage and I found it highly intriguing. If you haven't had a chance to read it, I hope you will. NOT because I am trying to change people's minds or force my agenda, but because I believe the only way we can truly know our mind on a topic is to study all sides of the discussion. If you read this article and find issues with the logic and thought process, ok. I just hope you will keep an open mind.

But back to my question. Why do we take the topic so personally?! How does the behaviors of an individual in the bedroom with another consenting adult affect us. Why do we get so defensive about promoting our own beliefs on the topic (either way)?

Another pastor's daughter... who kissed a girl and liked it? ;)

In my experience (25 years as the daughter of an ordained (and soon to be Ph.D) clergy member), people take their faith very seriously. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, the concept of religion provides a significant foundation for a person's identity. Even those who dismiss belief in God are defined by THAT fact; I've met many an atheist who has become very angry and defensive when someone talks to them about God.

God (or lack there of ) defines us. Perhaps my next blog topic will be a discussion on my personal theories regarding organized religion, and the need to apply concrete rules and thoughts to an abstract and intangible topic. But regardless, criticizing an individual's faith is to demean that person's entire being. Unfortunately, many of these social topics have become heavily influenced by religious (or secular) thought. When the beliefs that abortion is wrong, homosexuals are going to hell, and birth control is immoral become entwined in one's concept of God, suddenly the private life of another DOES become personal.

So where am I going with all of this?

People take their religious beliefs seriously. With the upcoming vote on the Methodist Church's stance I have seen the best and worst in my fellow Christians. My thought process keeps coming back to this one thought:

Why is our purpose so focused on telling people what they are doing wrong with their lives instead of sharing with them the love of Christ?!

We have become so intent on spelling out all of the reasons people won't go to heaven instead of telling them the reason that they can!! What is wrong with this picture? How can we possibly look at a person and condemn them to an eternity of misery and pain based off one lifestyle choice. I certainly hope God is not so blindsighted when he looks at me to focus in on my perchance for gossiping, or my temper, or my condescending attitude, and think "wow... this girl so does not deserve heaven."

Because I don't. And neither do you. None of us DESERVE anything. We are given it because God is love. It is about his love for us, THAT is the message of the gospel. In my opinion, this obsession with homosexuality, with abortion, with ANY social issue, is just masking our true purpose. God didn't come to condemn. He came to save. (John 3:17).

Source

I am going to stop this post here, as my brain is slowly turning to mush after a very, very long day. Rest assured, there will be a part two, and maybe three; continuation of this thought as I hammer out my own personal beliefs. In my experience, God won't let me rest until I've given this topic its due focus. However, I'd like to end with an excerpt from an email (and fb posting) to a friend who had messaged me, quite concerned about my beliefs on homosexuality:

But in essence, I have to ask... why does it concern you what they desire? If their homosexual beliefs are distressing to them, something they wish to shed, then absolutely seek treatment! I would say the same to any heterosexual struggling with their sexuality and expressions there of. However, for someone in a committed, happy, monogomous relaitonship with a person of the same sex? Why does it matter to you? How does it have any impact on YOUR life? Because you don't think God can save them? We all sin. All of us. Every single day. I believe God doesn't care so much about the issues we make to be such a big deal as we do. In my experience, God wants us to be fulfilled, and content, in a life with relationship through him. Unfortunately modern organized religion, and our well-meaning, but often misguided, attempts to change people to make their lives more "moral" push people away. People equate God relationships with Chrisitanity and because they can't 'buy' into the doctrine that we pound into their heads, they assume that means there is no room for spirituality in their lives.

My point in posting was to present an interesting take on a very controversial issue, and to remind people that our two greatest commandments are to love God and to love each other. I personally think we spend too much time trying to understand the rules and regulations and teaching others how to behave (or how not to behave) and WAY too little time on sharing God's great love. THAT is the message of the gospel. That despite (all of) our sins and mistakes, God still cherishes us and was willing to do whatever it took to prove it. After we've got that part straight... THEN we can take the time to figure the rest of it out. You don't have to agree with it, but all I have to say is regardless of whether or not you believe homosexuality is wrong, God calls us to love ALL his children. Not just the ones we like; not just the ones who believe the same things we believe. None of us are perfect, and it's time the church (universally, across denominations) starts sharing that love instead of using it condemn and belittle each other. John 3:17.

Desire.

I had a God moment tonight.

There is no other way to explain it.

Suffice to say the night was rough. I was left at the other end of a conversation that had me bawling my eyes out. Worried that once again Im one step away from being left in the cold, so heart broken that I don't know how to put the pieces together again. Except this time would be so much worse. Trust me on that one.

I took a shower, utterly confused, praying desperately for a sign from God. Wanting to trust an utter conviction that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to, despite my logical mind telling me otherwise. Trying to ignore that cynical part of my heart stating "you know you don't deserve to find happiness, you're just going to be abandoned again. No guy will ever think you are worth the fight."

So I prayed for a sign. And I waited, and nothing came.

Then I glanced over at my shelf and saw a book "The Journey of Desire: Searching for the life we've only dreamed of" (John Eldredge). A colleague at work has suggested the book a few weeks ago and I had purchased it, but had yet to have time to open the cover. Tonight was different though. It was late, I desperately needed sleep, but I knew it was time to read the book.

The same way I knew I was supposed to be in Orlando last winter. The same way I knew I was supposed to take my job in Miami. The same way I know that I'm in the right field.

Sometimes I just know.

Honestly it reminded me a  lot of the experience with my most recent book obsession (the Lion Book). For weeks I had been hearing about this manuscript and knew that I was supposed to read it eventually, but  I knew the time wasn't right. Then one day I felt the inner voice saying "Go get that book this very moment." I obliged to my inner bossiness, read the book, and had a life changing revelation a mere three hours before my world fell apart.

The same thing happened with my eHarmony experience. Deep down I've known for years that I was one day going to use that site to find my husband. I just knew in a way that defied reason. I also knew I hadn't reached the right time in my life for that experience. Until one night the timer in my head went off and without a single doubt I completed my profile. One week later I was matched with Curtis.

Maybe its the same way birds know when it's time to fly south for the winter. Maybe its the same way dogs can sense when a storm is coming. Maybe Im overthinking things way too late at night :). Either way, safe to say I have a pretty powerful intuition.

Where was I? Oh yes. My God moment.

It was time to start tackling this book my inner timer told me.

So I began to read. One page after another, interested, with a growing sense that one way or another I was about to get the answer I was looking for (Even if was not the answer I wanted). And then I stumbled on this passage:

Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt. You already know this., You have retreated from love countless times in your life because of it. We all  have. We have been and will be hurt by the loss of loved ones, by what they have done to us and we to them. Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain: the pain of too much beauty, of overwhelming magnificence. Further, no matter how perfect a love may be, it is never really satisfied.. In both joy and pain, love is boundless (The Awakened Heart.... in The Journey of Desire).

I barely got through the first three sentences before the tears started running down my face. Then I read the sentence "Even in the bliss of love there is a certain exquisite pain" and my world began to change. I felt the tingly warmness over my entire body and began gasping for breath as the sensation became over powering. The tears continued to fall but they didn't control me, rather I simply sat through the mind-numbing realization that I am going to be ok. I have always tried to describe this awareness to others, a recognition that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin. I once told an ex that I appreciated my experiences at the hospital because "there is a certain exquisite beauty in pain"; to which he told me I was a sadistic ***** which got my kicks of watching dying children. I really know how to find them huh?

But that message was there. For me. With that one specific phrasing God was telling me that the message in that passage was for me. God doesn't come to me in a burning bush. He doesn't speak in a booming voice, or appear as a mirage. God speaks to me through literature, and not as often as I would like, but sometimes I get that inner stirring of "this is meant for you".


So where does this leave me? Utterly convinced that I am doing the right thing by putting myself out there in all aspects of my life. I am not guaranteed infinite happiness, in fact I know without a doubt I will struggle along the way. But as I once read in a class on death and dying "Everyone chooses a pain, either the pain of loving and losing, or the pain of never loving at all".

Tonight I felt like God was telling me it was ok to choose to try. I don't know what the result will be, I don't know where my happiness lies; but I do know that to deny my inner need  to jump all in and experience life to the fullest would be to deny myself. Sure others may not understand it, but that's ok. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'd rather live with the me that I truly am instead of the me that I think others want me to be.

So I continue reaching and I continue fighting with every fiber of my being. At the end of the day, I can live with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could, and the rest is in God's (and other's) hands. I keep being me and stop apologizing for it along the way.

And I hold tight to the conviction that regardless of where the road leads, I am an active participant in my own Journey towards my heart's deepest desires.

God's Contingency Plan

I started this blog months ago at the suggestion of a few other people (coupled with a intuitive feeling that I was supposed to). I jumped in, wrote a few posts, enjoyed the chance it gave me for reflection and introspection, but then life got busy (i.e. my internship started sucking up my life) and it was easy to throw things on the back burner.

Then I got into that vicious cycle of "I should post. But I need to catch up. I don't feel like tackling a catch up post. I should just put it off. Now I have an even BIGGER catch up post to write. But I should post. But I don't feel like posting. If I had just started blogging when we started this argument I could be done by now. Well look who's getting bossy." What can I say? My mind is a scary place.

But lately I've been feeling that urge again, and after a friend of mine approached me on Sunday and commented "I just thought you should know I truly enjoy reading your blog and I really hope you have time to do it more in the future because your last post really touched me right when  I needed it", that was my sign it was time again.

Transparency can be scary. I always juggle the line between opening up enough to get my point across without spilling my guts to an unknown public. I have no qualms with being honest about my thoughts, beliefs, problems, and difficulties, but at a certain point there are some things that should be only discussed in person and not broadcasted to any Jack or Jane with a computer. So this is my latest attempt at an honest, but guarded posting.

Yesterday was a low point for me.

I'm not entirely sure what caused it. Ok that's not entirely true, I have a very good idea at a couple of the contributing factors, but at the same time, the reaction that ensued was not proportional to the preceding events.

Life has been a little rough lately. For those of you not in the loop- I finished my internship on May 6th (at some point I'll try to work on a summary post of everything that happened in rotations 2 and 3... because they were life changing!). After completion, I moved back to my parent's house in SWFL 'for now'. I once went to a leadership conference where they talked about living in transition. It's difficult and it's draining, and it's characterized by the words 'for now'. I'm living here 'for now', I'm doing this 'for now', I'm putting my relationships on the back burner 'for now', I'm taking this job 'for now'. The 'for now' is not purely the domain of college students and emerging adults, many people may face this semi-crisis of faith and life. Going through divorce, dealing with heartbreak, losing your job, battling illness. The heart of the transition period is a heightened level of uncertainty. Uncertainty can be exciting, it opens up the world to many new possibilities, but it can also be frightening, paralyzingly so.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I don't do well with uncertainty. I'm a control freak, I like knowing what's in front of me, twenty steps down the line. I think this is tendency is a product of both my general nature and the experiences of the last couple of years. I have moved seven times in the last six years. The plus side is I have gotten quite good at meeting new people, establishing myself, learning the ropes. I have my list of places to go and things to do to quickly settle down in a new location. However, it's exhausting to live in a world with deadlines. At a certain point there comes a desire to stop investing in the people and communities around you... because you know that there's an expiration date on the momentary happiness. It's an unfortunate truth that I have trouble letting myself be happy, to enjoy being in the moment, because that voice in the back of my head keeps whispering 'enjoy it while you can, it soon is going to be gone.'

Being in a position where I'm living without my next steps in front of me is frightening. I've been undergoing the job search, and actually had a great site visit with a hospital just last week. I am supposed to find out in the next week or so what their decision is, and the truth is I'm not sure which answer is less frightening.

One the one hand, I'm so ready to have a direction for my life. I'm ready to be able to move somewhere new and feel like I have a purpose again. I've felt so stagnant sitting around waiting for things to happen. The thought that I might get a call in the next few days that says 'thanks but no thanks' terrifies me. I don't want to have to go back to square one; I dread the thought of filling out new applications, explaining to people that i didn't get this job, going back to feeling like I'm treading water with no land in sight. I've been doing all I can to work on my thesis and finish up my masters, but with all the dififculties that have come from there, it truly feels like I have nothing in my life at times.

And yet... as much as I loved visiting that city, I enjoyed meeting new people and visiting with old friends. It would be a challenging position that would certainly stretch me both as a person and a professional. Yet.... the idea of picking up and moving somewhere brand new is scary. Being so far from family and friends, possibly permanently, is not what I saw my life ending up as. I've become more and more aware in the past week of exactly what I'd be giving up to move there and it hurts to think about. It's difficult when  you feel like God has given you conflicting desires, two senses of calling that seem incongruent. In fact it makes me angry.

And maybe that's what everything boils down to. Anger at God. An inability to truly trust and believe that he has my best interests at heart. I do all I can to consistently remind myself that I need to have faith. I work on building trust, and trying to believe that God loves me and wants me to get where Im supposed to be even more than I do.

But deep down? Maybe I don't.

I have a few amazing conversations with a couple of friends yesterday. I'm very good at recognizing when I've reached my breaking point and I need the advice of others to get me through a crisis. They were both very different but very helpful in their own ways.

One of them said something that suck with me. "I was just telling 'X' the other day that I feel like you can't catch a break. It hurts me just to hear about half the stuff you're going through because it doesn't seem fair that you keep getting hurt and disappointed over and over."

Right then and there, that was exactly what i needed to hear. Because, obviously for me, it does feel like the crap keeps piling on- and yet I feel guilty for expressing that sentiment. I look around at the problems of others and remind myself that everybody has their issues, everybody has their own heartbreaks, how selfish is it of me to think that I've somehow gotten the short end of the sick? To hear an objective party offer an unsolicited opinion that I have every right to be frustrated with things gave me such a sense of peace.

I've been reading this great book over the last couple of months. I read it for the first time about a month before my internship ended after hearing many other people talk about it over and over. "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day:How to survive and thrive when opportunity roars' by Mark Batterson. In short, I read the entire book in 24 hours the first time around, fairly gobbled it up. Life changing, life affirming, life inspiring. And not 3 hours after I had finished the book and was reveling in a new found glow of confidence in god, my self, and my life direction, I was hit with some devastating news that tested my entire resolve. However, sometimes I think God deliberately puts resources in our life to get us through trying situations. I remember being so angry and crying and lashing out at God "I JUST got to a place that I'm feeling optimistic. You REALLY had to hit me with this tonight?! Why couldn't you have just let me be happy for a day before you felt like testing my resolve." And then I heard a voice, my own in fact, respond with "No, my child, I didn't put this on you because you read the book, I already knew that this would happen today and I wanted to make sure you had the tools and ability to handle it when it came".

I'm not a big believer in burning bushes. I get skeptical of 'hearing' the voice of God. But in that moment, I broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes. Not because of what had happened, but because I knew I would get through anything because God would see me through it.

I've been recently feeling the urge to reread the book. I'll pick it up and read a few pages each night, stopping when I get the sense i'm done, and it's amazing how that works because last night I was right at the section I needed to be reading. Right smack dab in the middle of the chapter titled "Guaranteed uncertainty".

Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:

"I'm convinced that the people God uses the most are often the people who have experienced the most adversity. This isn't necessarily what I want to write, and it isn't necessarily what you want to read, but it's true. Adversity can produce an increased capacity to serve God." (Needless to say I underlined and dated that particular passage last night. My friend had made the comment that she feels like all this adversity in my life has to be leading up to something really big, here's hoping!).

"Benaiah could have run away from the lion. And running away would have reduced uncertainty and increased security. But lion chasers are counterintuitive..... In the short term [chasing lions] increases uncertainty. But in the long term it reduces regrets." (This is the way I have always lived my life. I would rather jump in head first and put my all into something... and then be heartbroken and hurt when things fall apart, rather than live with regret and the wonder  of 'what if' the rest of my life. Sure it leads to a lost of sorrow but the book also talks about how rewards are directly proportional to risk.) "The more you're willing to risk, the more God can use you."

"Faith doesn't reduce uncertainty. Faith embraces uncertainty...I believe in planning. I believe in goal setting. But there are some things in life that you can't plan or predict. And that drives the obsessive-compulsive part of us crazy. We want control, but the decision to follow Christ is a relinquishment of control. Following Christ is letting Jesus take the wheel. Of course some of us act like backseat drivers. Or worse yet, we're like little kids that make their parents crazy by asking one question over and over again: Are we there yet?... We never outgrow the desire to know exactly where we're headed and exactly when we'll get there... We're control freaks, but faith involves a loss of control... I used to hate uncertainty, but I'm learning to love it. It is an acquired taste. I am discovering that the greatest moments in life are unscripted. They are unrehearsed and unplanned and unpredictable and that is precisely what makes them unforgettable.  Embrace relational uncertainty, it's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty, it's called mystery Embrace occupational uncertainty, it's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty, it's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty, it's called revelation."

God wants you to get where you're supposed to go more than you want to. I love that thought.

Maybe God is like a GPS (not one of those crappy ones that can never find your location and takes ten years to download the route). The destination is programmed and he tells us the steps to take, but sometimes we choose not to go down that path. Because it's scary. Because it seems ridden with heartache. Makes me think of the scene from the movie Beauty and the Beast where the father is faced with a choice between the open happy country side and the dark ominous forest. We chose a different path then the one God set out for us.

And yet... the GPS doesn't give up on us. It blasts for a while "Make a U turn, at the nearest intersection, make a u turn. Turn around, it's not too late, go back to the intended path" And when we stubbornly ignore those signs what does it do? "Recalculating". The GPS takes our present location and direction in account and finds a new route to our final destination.

I like to think that God works that way too. He has this great path in mind, and when we veer off he tries to prod us back, but sometimes we get too far off the beaten path. So he has to direct us in a new fashion... It's going to take longer than the original plan. We may have to make more pit stops, drive through scary parts of town, and spend more money on gas- but eventually we'll get there. God can work around our circumstances in ways we can't begin to understand.

The other friend I talked to last night made a comment about that very fact. She told me "I think God has a lot of contingencies for us. Specifically he has a habit of making sure we have the exact people in our life when we need them. I think you and I were supposed to be friends Bethany. We had a very specific purpose in each other's lives, and we've learned certain things from each other that no one else could have offered. But what if you hadn't come to Wesley? What if we had never met? I think God would have then provided me with someone else to fill that hole. I think God has countless 'people' for us, both friendships and relationships. And maybe he has certain pairings in mind, but we are products of our own choices and he's not going to leave someone hanging because the other half of the equation made different decisions. God's bigger than that. He's going to provide you with exactly who and what you need when the time is right"


And maybe that's the point. Maybe instead of trying to figure out that one perfect job, the one perfect boyfriend, the one perfect house, the one perfect school, the one (or two) perfect friends... we should isntead look around at what God has given us. And trust that when things don't work out the way we had thought it doesn't mean we weren't on the right path. It doesn't mean we did anything wrong, it means that sometimes even God can't control the actions of others around us. I truly believe that sometimes we don't get the exact blessings God had intended for us because either we or others stepped in the way. But that doesn't mean God can provide something entirely different. There's always going to be a Plan B, and Plan C, Plan H... and Plan T.

Sometimes I just don't trust that God has my best interests at heart.It's easy to see the immediate and forget that there's so much ahead of me. "The greatest haphazard to your spiritual health is thinking that your past is haphazard or that your future is left up to chance alone. It is anything but, I can't promise that everything will make sense on the near side of eternity, but that shouldn't shake our confidence, because our confidence isn't contingent upon the character of God. Our circumstances may not make sense, but we know that God is planning His work and working His plan."

"There is nothing easy about taking risks.... But lion chasers have the courage to overcome inaction inertia. Their fear of missing out is greater than their fear of messing up."

So where does this leave me?

With a whole lot of questions and not many answers. But a conviction that something big is coming and the best thing is to stop trying to figure it out before it gets here.

It's a constant daily, hourly... by the minute battle to give things to God. I give it up to him and enjoy the temporary relief... and then drag it back in again because I don't trust him enough to take care of it.

So I pray, and do my best to trust, and just believe that when the time is right the answers will come.

Until then I guess there's always blogging ;)