An unintentional hiatus

Lack of internet at my house for over a week = Bethany's inability to post. Bear with me

Big, crazy, and stressful things happening on this side of the screen, and I have about five posts either written or written in my mind, but until we have the connection at home, posting will have to wait.

In the meantime, here is a quote from a devotional from work today that really impacted me. It was written by one of our chaplains, Jessie:

Are you currently waiting for the Lord to intervene in some way in your life... One of the struggles we face as Chrisians is trying to understand why our heavenly Father sometimes delays over matters that are so urgent to us... Release your expectations into His hands. The lord is working on our behalf, but sometimes we cling so tightly to a desired outcome that He must wait until we open our hands and let go of our expectations. We need to remember that while we are waiting, God is working. He sees the entire picture and is active behind the scenes, arranging everything according to his will. But perhaps his most important work is the deepening of our relationship with HIm as we learn to love and trust Him in the wait.

Also- if you could say a prayer for my rabbit, Lilly. On top of everything else, I have been dealing with one health crisis after another with her. I am well aware that God is using the situation to teach me, but it's exhausting to keep taking steps backwards after we make giant leaps forward. In the midst of all my other craziness, having her has been such a source of comfort and peace. Prayer has worked miracles so far (major blog post coming soon about it), so I know that it can keep us moving forward. So if you could say a prayer for me and my sanity, as well as her and her health, I would greatly appreciate it!

The Dating Cleanse, an update

On July 29, 2012 I decided to take a year off from dating.

A lot of factors went into the decision: a small group sermon series on dating and sex, conversations with friends, self reflection on my previous mistakes.

Not to mention the still smoldering embers remaining in my life from my last major relationship blow up. It wasn't something I ever talked about directly, but I hinted here that things had been particularly difficult for me to muddle through.

A lot of thought and prayer went into the decision, but at the end of the day I couldn't shake the feeling that God was asking me to trust him and take some time off from 'relationships'.

I am now almost 8 months in, 2/3 of the way done with this pledge, and I want to reflect a bit on what has happened and the change it has wrought in my life. Fair warning, this may be the most personal post I have ever written.

Lessons from Jonah

Source

I'm really bad at Lent. Super bad, some would say. I always attempt to give something up, but in the process slip up once or twice, feel guilty, and ultimately stop trying. So several years ago I decided instead of giving up a vice for Lent, I would take on a good habit. In other words, last year I decided to be more proactive in reading my Bible, making a point to read a few chapters every single day.

Not only did I manage to keep that task up for Lent (trust me, no one is more surprised than me), it has continued now for almost a year. Over time the formatting changed, but basically every morning as soon as I turn off the alarm on my phone, before I check email, before I look at the weather, I open the Bible app on my phone and read at least three chapters. As mentioned here, one of my goals for the new year was to take the time to actually process what I am reading instead of skimming through it like I normally do.

I've been relatively successful; not going to lie, there have been many mornings I've had to continually remind myself Digest what you are reading, don't just look at the words, but every so often something sticks out to me.

I'm reading at the end of the Old Testament right now. Let me tell you, I thought getting through Numbers/Deuteronomy was a chore, I had never tried reading some of the prophets. Seriously, how many times does one group of people need to get told that they are going to suffer numerous afflictions because of their horrendous behavior?? I have been starting every morning super depressed. So when I got to the book of Jonah the other day, I was excited. FINALLY! A story with some plot and intrigue. Yet as I was reading though, a few details emerged to which I had never before paid attention.

Source

The year of 13

It's that time of year, it's resolution time! I always stink at this, I have lofty goals that are never actually met. I work at it for a week or two, then something happens, and suddenly I give up entirely. I've decided 2013 is going to be a year of growth and change, and that requires significant work. So to force myself to think creatively, I decided to come up with a list of things I want to work on. 13 of 13. They aren't resolutions per se, I'm not going to beat myself up if they aren't met exactly, in fact most are not exact goals. However, I intend to aim for the spirit of each item. In no particular order:

1. Write 13 blog posts a month- I love writing; it's how I best process my experiences. I know I don't have a significant following, but I never started a blog intending for it to be big. It is a (public) forum for me to express myself, to work through issues, and to commentate. If other people gain some insight from my thoughts, then great. However, I have been inconsistent in the past and I want to break that habit. I think it's unrealistic to think I'll actually write a post every day, inspiration doesn't always hit that often. However, 13 posts a month is roughly 3 posts a week. Will I meet that number? Probably not. I want to be more deliberate in my efforts is aLL.

2. Walk 13,000 steps a day.- Let's be honest, a "I'm going to exercise regularly" will probably not be realistic for me to state. However, most health experts recommend getting at least 10,000 steps a day. Given how much I walk at work, this shouldn't be too difficult, but I want to focus on improving my activity level at a realistic and beneficial pace.

3. Clean out/Give away 13 items a week- I'm an emotional packrat. I have trouble getting rid of things that have any sentimental value. My goal is to weed through my belongings and really take a hard look at what I own. Do I really need the top that I wore on a significant occasion but not again in the next four years? Do I need to hold on to books I know I will never read again? 13 items is arbitrary, but I want to consistent in clearing out and getting rid of things.

4. Visit 13 new places (cities; historical sites; etc).- I love travel and new experiences. I want to see more, more of my own city, more of my own country, more of the world even? This is a jolt to my psyche to make a deliberate effort to make plans for these trips instead of just waiting for them to happen.

5. Make 13 new friends- Shouldn't be too difficult, but will be necessary. I'm faced with the reality that the majority of my social network in Miami is graduating/leaving in May. If I end up staying here i need to branch out and meet new people. If I happen to leave at any point in the next year (you never know, anything can happen!), then I want to make a conscious effort to reach out and build a new network.

6. Try 13 new foods- Im very unadventurous with my eating habits. It's time to expand my palate and try new foods

7. Spend 13 minutes a day reading the bible- Last year I set a goal during Lent to read the bible every day, and surprisingly I have kept it up. Every morning (more or less) I read approximately 3 chapters. I am on goal to finish right around a year after I started. However, I often just 'read' without really processing. It becomes a chore to get through sometimes. So this goal is to not rush, and take time to really absorb what I am reading.

8. Read 13 classics- There are so many amazing books I have never read but always mean to. My goal is to read a different classic every month or so. Dickens, Tolstoy, Shakespeare, etc. The only catch is they must be something I haven't read before. Suggestions are appreciated.

9. Sew 13 new items- I love sewing, and Im actually quite good at it (with practice). I get frustrated by how much effort it takes to get everything set up and taken down, so without specific projects (aka my sister's wedding) things don't happen. I want to be more deliberate and use my fabulous sewing machine more often.

10. Spend 13 minutes every evening straightening up- I can get lazy at times, particularly after a long day's work. Usually i let things pile up for a day or two and then do it all at once. I would like to be deliberate about taking time every day to get things organized.

11 Give to 13 different charities- I think giving financially is a great way to shift from materialistic thought and to help others. I want to expand my giving, share my blessings, and give to those who need it more than myself. I'm also going to be more deliberate about tracking my spending.

12 Ask 13 people how their day is going every day- aka be more deliberate about talking to other people and getting to know them. I am an open book with my own life, but I think it's better that I spend more time listening than doing the talking.

13. Enact 13 acts of random kindness- One of my favorite stories from this past year was the time God encouraged me to give away a very significant chunk of money, even when I couldn't really afford it at the time. To this day the person has no idea it was me, but I've felt blessed seeing what a difference God made in her life through me. I want to make an effort to find more of these opportunities. It's not about giving money away, it's about going out of my comfort zone for someone else. So creativity is a big part, as well as keeping my ears and eyes open for situations as they present themselves.!


So that's it. My 13 goals for 2013. I'm going to update at the end of every month where I am at with each in an effort to keep myself accountable. Happy New Year everyone!

Scars

I held a newborn baby at work.

Innocent, fragile, untouched by the world. There is something so magical about the skin of a newborn; soft, pink, smooth, not yet marred by the hazards of the world.

I have many scars, and they all tell a story. One on my right middle finger from the times I sliced out my finger tip using an ice shaver. Or the one on my left forearm from bubbling solder during a stained glass accident. Most scars fade over time, some so small you can barely notice them, but others remain pronounced forever.

One of the things that marvels me about the world is the transformation of innocent newborn to the person they will become. Particularly when I look at those... whom society might not deem as appropriate or desirable. It never ceases to amaze me that often my co-workers and I are willing to forgive the four year old who is cursing and pitching a fit, recognizing that he is the product of his environment and often a victim of poor (or no) parenting. Yet, when we are faced with the 12 year old who is sullen and rebellious, judgment quickly ensues.

We all bear scars, emotional, physical, psychological;  while I believe we are all ultimately responsible for our actions, it's hard not to be feel sympathetic. What about those people who have never known security, empowerment, or unconditional love? Those who have not ever experienced feeling like they are worth someone, or taught right and wrong? When do we start accepting responsibility for helping them see a better path.

I've been thinking about my own scars a lot lately. There are many unpleasant things in my past, events and circumstances I might think I want to forget. It's hard to feel ties to your past, particularly when it comes to relationships. There are things people have done, things that I have done, things that have happened, that still sting. That scar is still there, and always will be I suspect, but acknowledging can be difficult when trying to differentiate between scars and emotional entanglements. When I think about Situation X, does it still make me angry? Yes. But do I consider myself as having moved on and past it? Yes.

For example, there was a significant controversy at my parent's last church.The details are unimportant, what matters it that I was hurt, and my friends were hurt, and most importantly, my family was hurt. Not only were we hurt, but our lives were forever altered and changed. I believe God can bring good in a horrible situation, and I know that no one was truly faultless, but to see my parents and siblings have their entire lives uprooted and changed because of someone else's (misplaced) vendetta. It's crazy how quickly miscommunication and misunderstanding can spiral out of control. What starts as petty rumors are fueled by those who are angry and end up changing the course of a church or an individual's life.

That experience altered my relationship with God. I walked away from the church for several years, uninterested in an organized religion that could be so tainted by bitter and vindictive people. My faith was so entrenched in the 'religious' experience of my childhood that it took me almost six years to rebuild my spirituality separate, though informed by, a structured belief system. Am I still actively angry and bitter at those people? No, by the grace of God. But I bear the scars.

So when things pop up that touch those scars, I react. My hot buttons? Being lied to and then told I'm an idiot/being treated like I'm stupid. People hurting my family. Betrayal from friends. Friendship should mean more than going with the status quo. Friendship should mean trust and loyalty. Not blind trust, but a general faith in the good of the other person.

I bear a lot of scars, in many different aspects of my person. Some are of my own making. Yet, I've learned I wouldn't want to change or remove any of them. They are reminders to me of where I've been and how far I've come. In many cultures, scars, particularly battle wounds, are a badge of honor, signaling the bravery and courage of the person. I view my emotional scars of proof of my endurance and fortitude. Proof that I've taken risks, and I haven't just sat on the sidelines watching others live.

They can just be frustrating to work around when they rear their ugly heads.

New rules for sex and dating

I just wanted to take a moment and recommend that everyone, single or taken, straight or gay, christian or not, listen/watch this sermon series (4 parts):

The new rules for love sex and dating

Written by Andy Stanley, pastor at North Point Community Church (Georgia).

A refreshing and honest view of relationships and our responsibility, before, during and after dating/marriage.

Seriously, it's been life-altering for me. I think it needs to be mandatory viewing for all teenagers (and some adults), particularly those within the Church. Changing the way we view dating, commitment, and even relationships inside of marriage.

It all sums up in one simple question: "Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?"

Watch it. I promise.


** Side note- when I went to pick the labels for this post, I just started randomly clicking on past labels that fit (i.e. dating, God, love). Then I saw "lust" and had two simultaneous thoughts. 1) Wow, I guess that does really fit with this topic. and 2) When the heck have I written about lust?!?! Turns out I didn't. I wrote about trust. Still related perhaps. :)

Never Forget

I promised myself my next post would be light-hearted. I was skimming though old posts and realized how heavy everything is! Yikes.

Yet today is the 10th anniversary of the Sept 11 bombings, and anything less than honesty would trivialize the impact of that day. I visited a church for the second time today, and although overall I am impressed with their mission and approach, a comment was made about not getting 'swept up' in the events of today and remember that people die on a daily basis, many who don't know Christ.

I'm not arguing with that sentiment, and Im not questioning their motives. But for me, the events scheduled every year on this date are not purely about the lives lost as a result of the attacks, but a transformation in our cultural mindset; a realization of our own mortality; and a continual awareness of the similar plights of other individuals across the globe. For the first time, many 'civilians' were awakened to the real horrors terrorism and war impart on citizens of other nations, being given just a taste of what it feels like to not feel safe in  your own home. I thank God these attacks are so infrequent in our country, blessed but wary.

So for me, honoring 9-11 is about remembering the day that Global politics became real to me. About remembering a day when my own political consciousness was first stirred, a day when American citizens alike, old and young, male and female, north and south, black and white and brown and red, all joined together, bound by a common experience.

It's a day I hope we never forget. As I work with my patients it struck me to realize many of them do not have their own memories of that event; many of them had not as of yet been born. May we never forget the lives that were lost or the humanity we achieved.
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I was in 2nd period when I first heard the news. We had sat down at the end of class, as was the norm, to watch the school-wide news story. I'm sure I wasn't really paying attention to most of the show; it was theatre class and in those days the program was highly structured. We sat in alphabetical order (thus I sat in the front row, on the end, next to my then-crush, now-bff Michael Fatica). The news show was the one point in that class where we could all converse a bit, though Dr. Stewart was quick to put a lid on things if they got out of hand. It's strange how even those memories seem so foreign and tender this many years later. Regardless, as the show ended, the news camera slipped back over to the female anchor Erin (I was always fascinated with the unique beauty of her eyes; they showed up very well on camera) and she looked slightly confused, slightly amused as she announced "I have just received word that a ... plane.. has hit the world trade center."

We all laughed.

It seemed truly ridiculous to consider. A plane? Hitting one of the largest buildings in the world? How much had he been drinking that day??

The class moved as one from the blackbox to the building next door for theatre history class, as was her wont, all casually conversing about the events. Once in our next class the tv was turned to the news, and remained there the rest of the day. The moment the second plane hit, I felt the weight sink in my stomach. The room became silent as reality set in.

I don't remember much more specific detail from that day. I remember watching the towers collapse. I remember half joking with friends about other attacks in DC, only to hear minutes later about the Pentagon. I remember a friend's concern that her aunt was in the city on vacation.

But mostly I just remember 'watching'.

And talking.

And wondering.

I remember . And I hope we never forget.

Living with Purpose (Part One)

So I started this post about a week ago and then halfway through got distracted and never came back. However, I had this little voice whispering in my ear tonight to come back and finish it- so I'm just going to assume that God needs to tell someone something important, and if he wants to do it through my ramblings, so be it!

One of my missions this year (I hate to use the word resolutions) was to be more deliberate in self-reflection and daily devotion. I know from experience that aiming for very concrete goals such as 'reading the bible daily', 'making sure to pray 20 minutes a day', etc are nearly impossible to maintain consistently without a fail. Typically as soon as I miss a day or two I feel failure and eventually give up on the entire endeavor. Instead this year, particularly as I headed into my internship (a time I recognize as an opportunity for growth and maturation), I wanted to make an effortful attempt to spent time on self-reflection.

In many ways I feel as though I'm at a crossroads with my life. In two months time (Wow, can that be accurate?!) I will be done with the training portion of my career and ready to start searching for employment. In approximately six months time (provided I can get my butt in gear and write) I will have successfully attained my masters and be completely done with schooling, or at least done for this season of my life. The past 6 years have been primarily characterized by a state of transition. I know that a big portion of that blame lies on my own shoulders; it was my own choice to switch school half way through undergrad. I don't regret any choices I have made, and I feel that each place I lived/visited has contributed into making me who I am today. However, in short, I am ready for some stability.

That stability is still several months off, and instead my focus during this last (hopefully) transition period, is in making sure that I am very clear on God's plan for my life. I have been incredibly guilty in the past of not really giving God much say in my plans, or at least doing so in a very controlling manner. I did a similar thing with a patient the other day. We were building a tower out of blocks, and the little girl was not old enough or adept enough to actually do the activity on her own (in her defense she was 2!! lol). So instead, I would let her play with a block or two, putting them where she wanted and then doing the rest of the work on my own, yet still giving her credit for the overall product. Although I did most of the work, I let her have enough control to believe that she was actually in charge, and thus get a sense of mastery and competence. For that patient it was a perfect plan, unfortunately (or rather fortunately for us!), God isn't that naive. It's as if I somehow thought I could fool God into believing I really was letting him dictate the course of my life, while I was simultaneously making all the decisions.

Needless to say that hasn't gotten me very far. Or maybe, God was doing the same thing for me; he has been guiding me where I need to go all along, although doing so in a way that makes me think I'm the one in the driver's seat. I truly do believe that at this point in time I am exactly where I am supposed to be, however I think I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache if I had been willing to accept a little divine counsel along the way. So I'm doing things differently right now. Only took me 24 years of struggle; no one said I was on the fast end of the spiritual learning curve. But as I tell my patients, don't compare yourself to others, you just need to work at your own pace.

Wow that was a long winded-way of prefacing my topic today! One of the ways I have been effortfully focusing on God's purpose in my life is through nightly reading/journaling. Every night, before I go to bed,I take a moment to handwrite in a journal all of my praises and concerns. One of the most difficult things for me to is to really ask God for help. I often feel like my requests are trivial and insiginficant, yet I do think God likes hearing it all, small and large. I love hearing all the details of my friend's lives, even the little things, why wouldn't God feel the same way? So I write it down. Even the simple praises like "I found my car keys", "I had a delicious lunch", "I found a great deal at the store"- I try to make myself focus on all the little joys in my life. The same with my concerns- I write them all down and try to give them to God.

I then have been reading from this book:

 

Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

I know this book was circulating the Christian community almost 10 years ago, but as I was home over Christmas I saw the book on my sister's shelf and felt an urge to pick it up. Over the past month I've been reading a chapter a night and writing down any particular quotes or ideas that jump out and speak to me. Talk about timing though, God certainly had a plan in this because so many of the nightly topics have perfectly reflected the events/struggles of my day. I thought I'd go through and share a few of the insights I've gathered, because let's face it, it never hurts to remind ourselves over and over again that God cares for us! (Direct quotes from Purpose Driven Life will be marked)

"While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children"~PDL

Jealousy and envy will get you no where. If you want the life and happiness others have you must be willing to emulate their efforts and sacrifices A fulfilled life does not come without work.

"Those who follow the crowd eventually get lost in it"~PDL

"God wants us to pass the test, so he gave us the questions in advance"~PDL

"The way you see your life shapes your life"~PDL

Sometimes what we view as our greatest weakness or character flaw is actually a unique gift from God. For example, I beat myself up for getting overly emotionally involved with my life, however that trait is also what makes me so adept at forming strong therapeutic relationships with my patients and families. Likewise, my anxiety issues force me to be meticulous and thorough in everything I do.

"Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary"-PDL. For the record, this was in my nightly reading the day that I found out I might lose my internship unless I was granted a miracle.

"When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. The more you meditate on God's word, the les syou will have to worry about."~PDL

"Time is your most precious gift, because you only have a set amount of it"~PDL

"Pride builds walls between people, humility builds bridges.. Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less"~PDL

Read the following quote the night after I had received very very very critical and harsh feedback during my first evaluation (and was feeling hopeless, despondent and highly critical of myself): "the truth will us free but often it makes us miserable first. The fear of what we might discover if we honestly face our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial"~PDL

"We can measure our servants heart by how we respond when others treat us like servants"~ PDL This came on a day that I had issues with superiors/other colleagues treating me like as though I was worthless.

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I want to post tomorrow and really reflect on the past four weeks as I have now completed my first rotation, but I will say that it has been challenging in ways I had never expected. I can physically observe the changes in myself, both external and internal, and it has been amazing to watch the transformation. I will say that one of the best compliments I received during my final evaluation for Rotation One was that I am truly gifted in self-reflection. My preceptor told me how impressed she's been with my ability to accurately self-evaluate and my willingness to really dive into my own character flaws and deficiencies. My desire to improve and become a better person AND a better child life specialist is readily apparent and makes me a great student to work with. I think hearing that made me happier than if she had told me I had been perfect in all our clinical work!

(To be continued)

24- no, not the show!

So today was my birthday. I turned 24.

Nothing spectacular, nothing monumental-- there really isn't anything significantly special about the age of 24 in and of itself (Except if you're like me and loathe prime numbers- so moving to the age of 24 is awesome; always loved that number... I mean seriously, its divisble by 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12... how cool is that! Plus as my cousin pointed out, its twice 12 (the day of my birth) so that makes it like a double golden... ok I'm getting off track...)

Where was I? Right, I turned 24.

I had decided a week ago to go ahead and come back home for the occassion. I've only been away two weeks, so it seemed a bit quick- but at the time I figured it made sense because I really don't know anyone in Orlando, and I didn't want to the few people I did know to feel responsible for making something happen that day. Plus, what's lamer than sitting around alone on your birthday? So I made the decision to come home. Once again- God knew what he was doing.

I haven't posted a lot lately. I truly expected to make an effort to post something every day. I wanted to share my experiences and inform others about this awesome field. I don't think I expected how exhausted I was going to be. Working 8 hours a day is tiring in and of itself, but when you add in the approx. 90 minutes of travel time, having to wake up before 6:30, dealing with emotionally charged situations, and feeling constantly under pressure- it all adds up to a truly drained Bethany.

This week was a struggle in many ways.

In some respects it was incredible. I LOVE my job. I typically call my mother as I leave the hospital every day just to check in and to make the travel time go a bit faster, and I think pretty much every day this week I've opened with the comment "I LOVE my job!" I've been exposed to so many different things, met so many people, gotten so many opportunities it's incredible. For example, yesterday morning we had a guest entertainer for the children. This lady works at Epcot in the Japan section and makes pulled sugar candy animals

She is truly incredible. With just a ball of 'dough' she can create almost any animal possible, and she catered to each child's wishes. Our children who were healthy enough came down to watch and make their own requests; for the others we brought some back to the units for them. The woman is a true artist, and the children were thrilled to watch her work. Earlier this week Disney's Animal Kingdom came in and did a big exhibit for the children. They had centers for the patients to learn about animals, a few games, a stage area where they showcased a few 'exotics' (owls, hedgehogs, snakes, etc), and then chip and dale came for a meet and greet. Did I mention I  love my job?

But it's also been difficult. my preceptor was sick so I've had three different supervisors, plus some expectations were not communicated to me properly so I've been a bit confused about my role with the staff. My evaluation yesterday went differently then I expected when my preceptor expressed a concern that I was letting myself get so caught up in the pressure that I was sort of playing a role and coming off as very tightly wound and forced. That hurt a bit, but at the same time I was glad to hear her reassure me that she has no doubt I'm going to be a great child life specialist- I just need to try to relax and not worry so much. I don't have anything to prove to them, they know I'm well trained, they know I'm prepared. Instead of worrying about trying to show them I'm ready to do this, I should just let myself experience it.

It's been an adjustment that's for sure; I'm learning so much about myself and who I am. Trying to get my priorities in order. Coming home and spending time with my family has been crucial. I am definitely a very touchy, feely, lovey dovey, emotionally laden individual- and although I am starting to make friends in the area, it's hard feeling so alone a lot of the time. I know its a natural byproduct of moving and will go away with time, yet God knew that this weekend I was going to need to be surrounded by people who love me. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come back and recharge before I face the coming week. I appreciate all the prayers and support I've been recieving- Lord knows I need it! I just continue to trust that he has a plan for me and I know that growth is going to be painful. Yet that pain is necessary to truly prune away that which is holding me back and to emerge better and stronger on the other side.