This is me

I'm staring down the bottle of pills sitting next to me. It's seemingly innocuous. Transparent orange bottle, light blue lid. A label on it that has my name, the pharmacy information, and the dosage instruction. Its the word in between  that terrifies me: Escitalopram.

After 27 years of fighting my battles on my own, I am being told the burden is too much, and it's time to accept some (chemical) help.

Happiness...

I was searching through old photos to find something to add here, and this one literally jumped out at me. I can't tell you when I took it... but clearly it had a purpose.

"Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures... Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said "walk" the second you got there - and downticks - the itchy tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of a day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe it didn't matter if you were a word-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn't matter if your friend was possibly dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was all you could ask for." - The Sisterhood of the traveling pants Ann Brashares

Depression Lies... and it's a big bully

** Disclaimer- although I DO have a B.S.. in psychology and M.S. in child development and family relations, with graduate work in clinical psychology, I am NOT a licensed therapist, and the opinions below are my own. If you are suffering from any type of mental health issue, please seek out professional help, there is hope of a better tomorrow, I promise**

There's a dirty little secret about long-term depression that only people who have suffered will understand:

It never completely goes away.

Source

Thoughts on Prayer: Or why I'm not allowed to think after 11 pm

I've been MIA.

And in Mia... MIA in Mia? Sure. We'll go with that.

Life's thrown a couple curveballs, major ones at that, and it's been a lot to process all at once. not to mention making it impossible to blog. Some excuses are more valid than others.

For instance, having your entire thumbnail jabbing up into your eye causing a pretty severe cornea abrasion that makes it impossible to keep your eyes open: valid excuse.

Getting distracted by new episodes of your favorite shows: not so much.

But regardless, lots of things happening on the other side of the keyboard, things that can't be shared here for a variety of reasons, and it got me thinking about my own worst enemy: myself. More specifically, the part of my mind that refuses to shut off and continues to wander until the early hours of the morning.

Am I the only one who has this problem? During the day, when Im staying busy, that part of me, we'll call her Gertrude, stays firmly put and doesn't interrupt my ability to function. However, late at night, when my defenses are down, Gertrude sneaks out of her confinement and begins pestering me with her doubts and misgivings.

I start second guessing myself, my decisions, my faith, my life, my hopes and fears. Life always seems so hopeless at 2 am with the lights off, in my solitary bed, far away from friends and family. God feels foreign and silent, if not non-existant, and the hope that life will someday improve all but dissipates.

I've instituted a rule that Im not allowed to think or make decisions after 11 pm.

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Exposing the jugular

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. ~ Grey's Anatomy


I was once accused of being a 'sadistic b****" who got her "kicks off seeing children suffer".



It was an ex who, after having a frank discussion years later, admitted that the comment was reflective of his own pain, not of me. Yet for years the comment haunted me, making me doubt myself. question every decision, every motive. Even to this day I think it and twitch.